Blowing in the wind

So this past Tuesday I cut my babies hair and I am heart broken. The little baby fluff of curls are gone. I am hoping not forever and that when it grows it still grows curly. I didn't want to cut them off but the hairdresser did by "mistake". The difference is night and day, he looks so grown up. My baby is gone and there is a toddler in front of me. It makes me feel just simply sad. It makes me miss the little baby that he was and makes me want another baby so bad. Then last night, at Bay's company holiday party, I was asked if we were going to have any more kids and I went on for 10 minutes how I would love to have another one right now but the timing is not right blah blah blah. Hearing me say this some what upset me and I thought is there ever a right time to have a baby? Is anything ever picture perfect when you have a baby? No...things are always confusing, hard, lonely, scary, fulfilling, and the best reason blissful.

I have to brag about my darling hubby, Bailey. I am such a lucky girl to have found him. He is truly my perfect match...We have such a connection, such a draw to be with each other. To have him around me makes me so happy and I count down the time until I get to see him when he is at work. I wish we had tons of money so he didn't have to work so we could be together everyday. Last night I had way too much to drink at his company's dinner. Well it was more the after party at the bar down the street with just a few friends from work. And I drank! I get sick on the way home and puke with my head out the window. It was gross. He carried me in and helped me shower before sending me to bed. I woke up this working still all groggy and yucky!!! It really sucked!!! Bay took the boys to the Chiropractor with him and I asked him to get Togo's-cause only that will help my hangover! Not thinking that it was only 830 in the morning and Togo's is NOT open. After an hour and a half I called Bay asking him where he and the boys were, and he tells me that they are waiting for Togo's to open at Twin Pines Park and to go back to bed and sleep!!! I was never MORE in love with him when I hung up.

After re-reading my declaration to the world I noticed that I type SO a lot....Soooo does this mean I say SO a lot when I talk. I removed them all! I will have to pay attention to myself when I am talk to see.

Santa and the babies

So yesterday we go to see Santa and the whole time we are walking there Graysen is telling Bay and myself how he is going to sit on Santa's lap and tell him he wants the Sesame Street tools and Santa is going to say ok and say Ho ho ho...Maddox is singing Ho ho ho...Bay and I are hopeful that we will get a pic of the boys with Santa. We get there....... Graysen's legs are stiff and we have to nudge him a little to walk up to Santa. Maddox is fine. Graysen gets in Santa's lap and is stiff as a board and can't/won't speak. Maddox looks at Santa gives this nervous smile looks around and starts to cry! He looks at me and stops looks at Santa starts. We get a few pictures. Santa asks Graysen what he wants and Graysen yells Elmo Tools then jumps off and runs away! LMAO!!!
We got three different pics the two where Maddox is not crying the boys look so scared and then the other and last one Maddox is crying. :)

Mystery Mom

So my mother's anniversary of her death is coming up...It is crazy how much I miss her. I never thought since giving our history that I would...But my heart yearns for her, yearns for a mother I never had. The mother I dreamt and wished I did.
I was trying to remember her voice the other day and I can't. I can't think of anything she would of said. I can't think of the way she stood or how she brushed her hair. I can't tell you anything about her, but she was my mother and no matter what her mind was telling her or what mood she was in all SHE ever wanted was to be a mother, wife, and have this perfect life. And she loved me more then anyone in this world. Much more then she ever loved herself. And good or bad everything she did was for me.

Taking classes

So I am signing up to take some night classes this coming up January. I am thinking about going two nights a week?!?! Maybe taking a computer class and a math class. I am also thinking about taking telecourses which I would watch at home do the work and meet like every few weeks on my own time with the teacher! I am really excited about this!!! I just have to figure out what classes, Bay's schedule and actually sign up for them!!!

Besides bettering myself ( which I always push everyone else to do) I think it will be good for the boys to have some daddy time and let Bay know what I do all day too!!!

Finally we are well!

The boys woke up with laughter, screams, and songs! YEAH my boys are finally themselves! I was getting really worried about them..especially Graysen who pretty much laid in a pile all week and didn't move. But they are dancing and hugging now. It is so stressful when your kids are sick and there isn't a thing you can do to make them feel better.

It is crazy to see these two little boys grow from babies to toddlers. They are so amazing. They have games that they play, songs that they sing. And Graysen always knows what Maddox wants.

Right now they are wrestling on the bed; Maddox is on top of Graysen trying to push him off the bed. Ugh the joys of having boys close in age! I foresee my future!

Today is Thanksgiving?

Hmmm? It sure doesn't feel like Thanksgiving......Graysen, Maddox, and Lyndley are battling the stomach flu and have been throwing up for 2 days. Corrina went to San Jose, and Bay and I are here.
It feels like a normal Saturday or Sunday around here. We are having shrimp and crab for dinner instead of a traditional meal. I usually cook Thanksgiving dinner for just us but cause of the flu going around, and we thought we were going to go to my aunt's. I didn't get anything. This was going to be my aunt's last Thanksgiving, there is a rumor that she is moving to Hawaii or something like that.

Holidays seemed much more magical when I was a kid. You had such a build up to each one....Each new holiday brought a new promise....A day off school, time with your cousin's playing, presents, candy....All that is good, and pure to a child. I miss that awe and wonder. It will be sad that all I knew as a kid my own children won't know. They won't know the happiness you feel when you turned onto Wisteria and you knew you were almost there.........The huffs you blew when you couldn't find a spot soon enough and the race to the front door to see everyone. The Hi's, the hugs and kisses from everyone. Your smile back. The sneak out to the garage to grab a coke even though your old one isn't finished. The games you played. The memories you only share with a handful of people. There are only a few people in the world that know I would always have to be the Queen in any game we played, and that I am really really scared of "Bloody Mary". There are only a few people in the world that know how to tell how long we have left by the sound coming from the kitchen...Sounds of laughter, singing, arguing, and love. Sounds you don't hear as often now. Makes me long for another time that only a trip in a time machine can get too.

Snake Maker

Today the boys and I were sitting at the kitchen table playing play-doh and Graysen tells me that I am the best play-doh snake maker. The look on his face when he told me that was priceless...He was proud of me, proud that in his eyes I was the best snake maker! I said Thank you and that he was good at making them too.

I am lucky to be a mother. Lucky that my children are happy and healthy. Lucky that when they look at me I am the greatest in their eyes. No matter what I have done or what I haven't done doesn't matter to them I am just their mother. They see me as perfect. I never want them to know the truth....That I am just winging this! LOL I never knew how amazing it would be to be a mother. How connected to these children I would be....How I an love them so much no matter what! How much they are both wanted.

That is something with me being wanted........Growing up there were times when I felt I was a bother and that I never really had a place. That hurt....It hurt being a child in that situation and now being an adult I am still hurt by it. The loneliness and the shame I had growing up is still with me as an adult. It shapes everything I do..as a mother, wife, friend....everything!

I forgot to add cleaning!

I have been on an OCD kick and super cleaning every day and it feels so good to have such a clean house! When my house is clean I feel clean inside!!! And I feel very proud cause I am not a cleaner! I was never taught how to properly clean or was made to clean up my home as a child. Growing up my house was never that clean either so it feels good to be a grown up and have my own clean place!

Babies, jobs, and cleaning

I am really going through a wind whirl....I am getting the baby wants....I would really love to have another baby. I am starting to feel it in everything I do...I see pregnant woman and I yearn to be pregnant. I see newborns and my arms ache to hold them. But timing is not right...When is timing ever right to bring a new baby into your life? I think about money could we afford another baby? Could we afford one when we had Graysen? UGH! Maybe I am only feeling this way cause Bay doesn't want one right now...He feels it would be too much right now. Just when he puts the brakes on expanding our family I want too. Isn't that Murphy's Law??!?!?!?!

So with the baby wants out of the way: Maybe I will get a job? Like a small not serious one? Maybe a waitress? Could I do that? Hmmm? I hate to watch other people eat....But it is pretty easy and something I could at night when Bay gets home. I think it would be fun to go and have some adult time and make a few bucks while I am at it. Wow my own money what a thought! I haven't made my "own" money is 2 years....
I have a lot on my mind or maybe nothing at all. I think I have lost my mind!....

My Crazy Little Life

So I just need to scream from a top of a mountain that I had the best day today! Everything went well! The bobys slept till 8 AM! WE had a great morning at home went out to lunch with NeNe then to the park and we played, ran and had a great time. Then I got to spend alone time with Bay!!! Ilove being ME today!!!!!

Deep thougts for today

Do you ever re think your parenting and wonder if you are doing a good job? The best job that you could do? Sometimes I get so confused.....I love the way I parent the boys. I follow my heart and do what I think is best for my boys but I also feel that I don't fit in anywhere with other moms. I think it is my age. That I am on the younger side of people who parent the way I do. I don't think it puts me so much off as it does that other older person off? They feel we have nothing in common...But we are not so different.I am having a day where I am second guessing everything!!! Are the choices I am making for my family right? Is home schooling right? Is it something I want? Will it cause my children to be "freaks"? Will they be missing out? And what about me? Just cause I have children doesn't mean ME is dead! Do I want to become that home schooling mother who has nothing but her kids and that is it? I had dreams and goals and wishes and I feel that sometimes I have put me on the back burner...I want to go back to school! I want to do something. Yeah I do want to teach preschool! Yeah I do want to work! Is that so bad? Then I think where does that put having more children in the picture? I want one more. I am done. I feel like I have all these LIFE POSSIBLITIES on my shoulders. I think I am feeling like I am in this middle ground not moving phase. Why does being an adult have to be so hard? Man......Ok, I am going to stop thinking and climb into bed and cuddle with my husband. Good Night!

Friends

I am sitting here having trips down memory lane. I was thinking about friends and how they come and go....It is funny that people who I thought would be in my life forever are gone and the people I had written off are back and making an impact in my life....It is funny how life is like that.

72

My grandmother's birthday is on Sunday she would of been 72....

My grandma was smart, beautiful, loving, and kind. She was the type of person that would give you her last dollar if she knew you needed it. I miss her so much. It is hard to think that she is gone and never coming back. I can't have one last conversation with her. Never tell her I love her, I did need her, I was sorry for anything I ever did, but most important Thank you. If it wasn't for my grandma who knows where or who I would be...She took me and never asked for anything from anyone. She never treated me like I was a burden. She was proud of me and loved me. She knew I was here for a reason and always believed in me.

I was the last person with my grandma before she died. I was sitting with her touching her hand watching her lay there. Looking at her face. Looking at every wrinkle..every crease....I told her that is she needed to go to be with God then to go....I feel guilty that I left to go into the waiting room and she passed as soon as I sat down. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be holding her hand. Even though I told her to go I wanted her to stay.....

Brothers

Today Maddox and I were sitting on the floor eating chips and stealing a few minutes together. Maddox happened to be sitting in a pile of chips eating, playing, and smashing them. Graysen came running into the room and says "UGH Maddox chips EVERYWHERE" Then Graysen grabs the biggest chip in the pile eats it and laughs. Maddox then laughs so hard that he fell over before I knew it they were both in a mixed ball of
Graysen and Maddox laughing screaming!

I was amazed that for a few moments in time two completely different people had such a strong connection. The connection of being siblings and being increditably comfortable with each other.

I have dreams for them...Dreams that they are best friends. That they included each other in their lives. That they call each other on the phone and miss each other. Bailey tells
me not hold my breath and they may not be as close as we hope when they are adults. That breaks my heart. To think
of a time they won't be bathing together. Riding the rocking horse together. That they won't share that connection and they will just be two adult men living life: one in his world the other in theirs.

Who knows where my children's paths may take them but I
hope that they always have each other.

Running on empty

So for the past two weeks Graysen has been getting up before 4 AM! It is going to kill me....He is up and ready to start the day. It doesn't matter if he has had a nap the day before, what time he went to bed, or if he ran and played all day at the park. I seriously don't know what to do other then cry!

It isn't like he wakes up and quietly plays he has to wake up Maddox and then it is the two of them running around, jumping on the bed and rumbling through the house!


This morning Graysen ate a half tube of toothpaste in the dark on my bedroom. He got into bed and his whol eface was covered in this sticky yucky gel....I broke down and turned on the 24 hours cartoon channel and went back to sleep. Is that wrong? Should I get up and start my day at that time too?

My son the writer!

Graysen today wrote an "e"! It is wobbly and was written on accident but it is the most beautiful "e" in the whole wide world and will always be kept....

So I must be exhausted cause I seriously became hysterical about this "e" and the greatness of it! When I told Graysen that he wrote an "e" he said ohhhh why? That make me chuckle!

Today we went to the California Academy of Science. We had a wonderful time with our friends. On the way home right before Graysen fell asleep he thanked me for taking him. Again made me cry...What is the date? I may be a little hormonal!?!?!

confusion and love with a dash of guilt?

I am having a rough day today..The boys are being wild monkeys and not listening. I have no patience's and want to scream. I did....It wasn't nice and the looks on my boys face when I yelled made me want to cry and made me fell like I was the worst mother ever. But sometimes I just don't want Graysen to talk, and I don't want Maddox to scream, and I would like for them to just play in their room so I could have one minute to get dressed alone....Then I think I am all they know and one day they won't want to be with me every moment and I will be sad.... Motherhood is it always this mixture of confusion and love with a dash of guilt?

This morning when we were laying in bed Graysen asked me if I was going to throw him in the garbage and I told him no....I really need to re think my words and watch my mouth....Lately I have been telling Graysen if he doesn't put his toys away that I will throw them in the garbage...Poor boy what stress I have been causing him! I am going to erase that statement from my mind.

boys

Ok I think I am going to lose my mind today! It is only 9:30 and the boys are jumping on the bed and screaming.....I have asked them to be quite 5 times and I think if I have to say it again I am going to SCREAM! Ok we need to get out of this house even if it is to run around the block.....

mother

Sometimes I worry that I am not a good mother and think I never had a mother so how can I be a good mother? I miss my mother and wish I could have one last converstation with her telling her everything that I have thought about telling her my whole life. I wish I could of known her better. It breaks my heart that I can't think of her voice or the way she walked or her smile....Nothing. When I think of her a blankiness comes into my mind..There is nothing.

I am 26 now

So I had a birthday this week...26 I don't' know why but it is hitting me that I am grown up. I am a mother..a wife...And even though I feel so whole and so complete as a person but there is apart of me deep down inside that remembers that list I had with all my hopes and dreams on it. I feel so behind in so many ways...I feel lame at times cause I don't have a college degree, but when I think about going back to school I think about where am I going to get the time and the energy?!!?

This birthday was so hard without my grandma....No one in my family called or sent me a card....NOTHING!!!! That really hurt. Makes me feel like not one member of my family cares and I guess that could be true? Maybe my family could care less about me and my children....That is a really sad statement! And I miss my mom more then I thought I ever would.

MILO

So I have a few things to wrote about but first I have the greatest news! When Bailey and I got engaged we bought this little kitten, Milo, I love this cat! I like animals but I have never loved an animal the way I loved and still love Milo. Well when Graysen was 6 months old Milo ran away. We could never find him but for the last 2 years I have kept up his micro chip and then last night we got a call from the Holister Animal Control telling us they had Milo! My kitten..my first baby! He is coming home tomorrow! I am so happy!!!!

Pissed

So Bailey has Sleep Apnea and the whole time we have been married it has been BAD! So bad that at times he would just fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. So Finally he got it taken care of and now has a CPAP machine that helps him breathe while he is sleeping and allows him to get a good nights sleep.

Before he got the machine things were bad between us. I was feeling like I was missing out on something cause he was always tired and falling asleep. He promised me that has soon as he got the CPAP things would be different and he would be able to be here more then sleep next to us. What a liar.....Things were great for the first bit but now he is back to his own self. Today I went out with a friend and told him to rest all afternoon and sleep so tonight we could have time together....Did he? NO! He didn't and now he is sleeping. I am so mad. I am sitting here online mad wanting to be hanging out with my husband but NO he is asleep. Pisses me off!

Meditation

So I have started a new meditation routine and tonight was the first night doing it. Inside my soul I feel clearer and more at peace. It is amazing. I spent almost an hour in a pure, quite, and dark state. I feel clean inside. I am so happy that I have begun this....
I am also starting a new routine of talking to my children while they are asleep and thanking them for choosing me to be their mothers and to ask God to help me guide them as their lives grow and change.

Today was day one for my weight loss plan. I did well. I am proud of myself. Tomorrow will be the challenge when I am with Lyndley and we are out all day. I am also going to start writing short stories every night for 20 mins. I feel I am entering into a different place spiritually....I am very happy

Father In Law

So tomorrow I am going to call my Father-In-Law and have a heart to heart and find out if some information is true.... When Bailey first asked me to marry him we went to Chico to stay the weekend and to meet him. He came to our wedding. After I had Graysen he came for a day about a week later. That is the last time we saw him. I have invited him to every birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter....EVERYTHING!!! So finally I got sick of it. He has met Graysen once when he was a week old, and has NEVER met Maddox!!! It took him like 3 months to FINALLY ask for a picture. I was pissed and wasn't sending him any. And I called him and pretty much "went off" on him and told him off. We talked for about 30-60 minutes. Well, tonight Bailey in a blaming, nasty, hurtful tone yells at me and says pretty much it is MY fault that HIS father hasn't and doesn't come down here. What BULLSHIT my fault! I couldn't even give him a response cause I was sooo pissed. So tomorrow I am going to call him and ask him if that is true and if it is I am going to let him know that is ridiculous and he needs to get over it!!! WHAT A FUCKIN ASS HOLE PUTTING THAT ON BAILEY LIKE THAT....THE TRUTH IS HE JUST DOESN'T CARE!!!!

Hurtful Words

Bailey and I got into this conversation tonight...I don't' even know how it went there. But it was one of those conversations where you start on one topic and then you go through each and every issue you have with the person. It sucked. I swear at times he acts like he is 45 years old and he is my father!!!!! I want to scream when he acts like that. I know he loves me and all that but I don't feel that I am the most important thing in the world to him and that hurts. It breaks my heart. Makes me want to cry and cry I did. I hate when you cry that crazy uncontrollable snot pouring out of your nose cry and you can't stop and you just want to close your eyes at tight as you can to make the tears stop coming. I want to start doing a gratitude journal where each night I write down 5 things I have thankful for. I think it will be a detox for my soul!

Frustrated

So I am frustrated! I just wrote out this long blog about losing weight and the diet I am starting and it didn't show up! Ugh! I swear I think computers are out to get me!!!!

Diet

So I am starting a diet on Tuesday! I am really excited. I am doing the slimfast diet for a month so I can adjust my body to eating smaller portions. While doing the slim fast diet I am going to read SugarBusters cause I have a MAJOR addiction to sugar. Well, food in general. I am an emotional eater and there is not better hug then an ore! So yeah I need to just cut myself off. I am not so concerned of losing weight (hell that would will be GREAT though) but feeling healthier and better about me!!!!! I hate feeling fat and gross and that is how I feel. Not cool. Wish me luck!

Feeling peaceful

I am in a total state of peace this morning. I woke up feeling very happy to be alive and totally in love with my life. I got to wake up to Graysen's face looking at me and asking me if I wanted to hold Oscar (our kitten). Right now I am sitting here nursing Maddox and watching him sleep. Seeing his little eyes move under his eyelids. Watching his chest rise up and down and he breathes. Being a mother is the most amazing experience. When I sit back and think about what used to be important to me before these two boys I laugh! What BS! Nothing I ever did was important until them.

It is annoying that my STRESS post came up three times?!?! I don't' know how that happened.

I am writing three things I want to come to be on a piece of paper then copy it and put that copy in a safe place. I am going to burn the original copy and set the wheels in motion!

I will be a better person tomorrow then I am today!

Proud of ME

So thinking about my cousin made me want to scream from the mountain tops that I am proud of myself. I am proud of the person I am today. I am proud that I have dealt with some shit in my life and I have done some shit. Yes!!! I am proud of the shit I have done good and gulp bad. I am thankful that I have had wonderful friends during this journey of my life. Funny how God (or whoever is watching us live these lives) gave me family but that family wasn't the best but he has given me great friends. Friends that I speak to today and friends that I no longer do but think about daily. It is funny how when you think that life is hopeless and your just drowning in a sea someone comes and saves you. That is what my husband was. He saved me from a life of not knowing, from a life of disaster, from drowning in that sea where I had been screaming for someone. I had been screaming for so many years too! He heard me!!! I love him more then I could ever tell him. I love him more then I love myself or anyone that I have ever said those words too.....

Fears, Worries, and I want to cry

So my cousin Corrina is coming to stay with us. I am not saying the word live cause that is too scary! I am so afraid of this because I am worried it is going to become a bad situation and we are going to have to ask her to leave and this will become a HUGE family issue. I am afraid that she thinks we are going to be supporting her and we don't have the money to do that. I am worried that having her here is going to ruin my relationship with Lyndley and Bailey. I am afraid that this is a big mistake.....The law just must be laid out TONIGHT and if she can't agree to everything and anything then she will have to leave by Friday. Why did I get put into this situation? Oh I know cause her mother can't take care of her and never taught her to be a responsible person....Why have children if you won't take care of them? Why have them become adults that are losers and become a burden on others? No matter what mistakes I have made or will make I have never not taken care of myself. I have taken care of myself completely since I was 16. No one was over there to help me....And I am proud that all I have and all I have become is because of ME.

Ending One Relationship

So I did it I called our old pedi and told her and the office that we are ending our relationship with them and starting a new one with another Dr.

I am so scared...Partially cause I hate change and partially cause we have been going to her for almost 3 years. She is all my children and I know. I am worried that the boys won't like their new pedi I am worried I won't like him. My husband is happy that he is a male and thinks that as the boys grow older it will be easier for them to see a male doctor.

I am so sad..I really liked our pedi but as our relationship went with time I felt that she never listened to me and took the I am the DR I know attitude a lot, plus she wasn't open to any ideas or thoughts that I had and I AM THEIR MOTHER.

I do have a sense of empowering and feel a new leaf turning over. Not only in our health world but in my relationship with my husband as well. Bailey has gotten his CPAP machine and my god it has helped everything. It is like he is a new man! AMAZING!

My first blog

So I have broken down and I have become a blogger! Now I will be up all night writing every detail of my life....LOL


I am the luckiest woman alive..I have a wonderful husband that would do anything for me no matter what. He has given me the gift of being able to stay home and be a mother. Speaking of being a mother I have two sons. Graysen and Maddox. There is nothing better then being a mother to these two boys. They light up my life in a way that I never knew it needed.
Well, I must go for now...More to come! Motherhood calls!