Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer had a very dirty nose!!!

So all this bitching and moaning made me forgot..My baby had his first school performance! And while it was short I loved each moment that my almost 5 year old stood there singing his heart away! And for a short moment Bailey and I stood arm to arm and we were a family again. We beamed as our son, our first really great thing, our heart and soul wore a Santa hat and walked back and forth on a makeshift stage.

Last Friday night Graysen's school has their "Gingerbread House Night". We decorated (and may I add had the best) Gingerbread house and then Graysen along with his class sang Must Be Santa and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Each kid wore a green santa sweatshirt they had made and had a differetn part for the must be santa song. I am not sure what Graysen's part was cause he wore a Santa's hat and walked back and forth smiling behing all the kids. He was the star of the show!!! :)

Miracle on Elm Street

So something magical has happened some how $170.00 has been deposited into my checking account. I called the bank and all they can say about it is that it was a cash deposit today...I know it wasn't Bailey cause I HAD to give him 40 bucks cause he didn't have any money.

So however you are if you are reading this THANK YOU! You let us splurge on some garlic- chicken pesto pizza, and I am going to use it to pay for a storage unit! Yo see that 170. was like a dream come true! Thank you!

All My hopes and dreams

I always thought that I would have this picture perfect marriage and family. I thought that my childhood had been bad enough that I had put my "time in" and I was going to have all I wanted, hoped, and dreamed for as a child. I would be that 1950's housewife and we would have 2.5 children and a dog.





I thought what Bailey and I had built together was perfect minus the .5 and dog. I don't know where it all went wrong, I don't know what was so bad that I did.





I am so lonely without him. His side of the bed as lost his scent and that hurts. I have to be out of my house on the 23 of December, which is funny cause that is the day Bailey and I met. A day we always celebrated almost even more then we thought about your wedding anniversary. I am so scared I have no idea what is going to happen. What am I going to do with all my stuff? How am I going to pack it all in a few short days?

I am living my worst fear: Being Alone.....

Can you write yourself a check?

So before I rip myself a new one I want to give myself a small pat on the back! I have been doing very good on living on very little since Bailey left! The lights are on and we have full bellies but this week I made a HUGE mistake and I am paying that I don't bounce like a ball all throughout San Carlos! I have overspent.....And I have three checks out and I am praying that all three don't go in at the same moment in time! To make matter worse these are checks to Graysen's school! So everyone pray with me. PLEASE CHECKS DON'T GO IN THE BANK UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY WHEN THERE WILL BE MONEY IN THE BACK TO COVER EVERYTHING! I am so stupid I can't believe I did this!

I live a real life version of If you Give a Mouse a.....

Tonight the boys and I bundled up and went on a walk looking at Christmas lights, we have a 2 block stretch of houses that place lights on every free space of their houses. It is really pretty and fun to take the kids there... Plus I really enjoy brunt retinas Eye sight is so overrated!

I tried to compose myself as best as I could cause OF COARSE going there made me sad (can I mention for a moment that I am a tad bit sick of being so damn sad all the time and I am TRYING not too be...) and I would make this big deal about the wind and cold making my eyes water. :)

On our way back home we made a pit stop at Starbucks to get hot chocolate and something yummy. I am pushing Maddox in the stroller and Graysen is walking behind us; he tells me that he has to pee. Now it isn't a "Hey mom I have to use the bathroom" it is a " I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD OHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MAMA THE PEE IS GOING TO COME OUT AND I AM GOING TO FREEZEEEEEEE CAUSE MY PANTS WILL BE WET WITH PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Me: "Oh Graysen honey if you have to pee so bad let's walk on the sidewalk quickly and not didly dadly"

Graysen as he is climbing on the teeny tiny ledge to walk to the plank while trying not to spill his hot chocolate "Oh but Mama I love didly dadlying"

I had to stop and laugh it was funny....So we walked the plank which reminded Maddox that he likes to walk planks too so he had to climb out and hold onto his drink and walk only to then scream cause Graysen was first and he was first last time when they walked the plank. Which made Graysen stop so that Maddox could spiderman over him cause YES HE DID WALK THE PLANK FIRST LAST TIME which made Maddox bump into him cause he wasn't looking and spill his chocolate, which then reminded Graysen that he had to pee and was going to pee his pants.....The whole time this is going on I can see our house and I got the bright idea to tell the boys that if we got home in two minutes we could watch The Grinch movie. Which only led to a fight over who liked the Grinch more....We finally made it home dry pants and all!

Happy Holidays!

Deep Thoughts

It isn't like he has asked me to stop or anything BUT....Sometimes when I feel sad, or the over whelming feeling of missing Bailey overcomes me I text him these sad, semi pathetic, full of sobs texts.
I also NEED to stop calling him and having those same texts but in real conversation. Those we do dance back back and forth together. He cries, I cry. I make every declaration of my heart to him and he tells me he is hurting too. I know that he probably is but it is HARD to believe cause I feel like I am the one who was left and tossed to the side like garbage. I feel like I would never of done this to him. And I don't understand WHAT I DID. This whole separation/divorce thing has really brought up some family issues that I have been burying deep down inside. The feelings of anger and sadness from being left by both my parents. I feel like man I must suck as a person if everyone leaves me....They run away. Maybe it is me....

When husbands and wives separate do they really stop all communication? I mean this is stupid but does that deep down friendship have to end? Do we really choice sides? Is there a my team his team? Are we destined to be enemies? Cause I still want that friendship we had. I still want to call him and talk about the day. I still want to know how his dad is. And if his grandma is ok.
I still want daily contact. I still want him to come home.

Please just rip my heart out!

Last night I was walking through Mervyn's and they had all this Christmas decor out, and it was too much for me.....It made me remember our first Christmas together and how we picked out ornaments, and how we were. Before Graysen and Maddox-we had only been married 6-7 months. That's hard....There I stood like an idiot with tears pouring down my eyes just a mess. I just want this pain..this heartache...everything to go away. I miss my old life- a life where I went to bed next to the man I loved...When 5 o'clock I knew who was coming home...This lonely empty feeling is the worse heeling in the world..

I know that I should change my profiles everyone to erased how much I cared and how much I loved him. But I don't want too....AS stupid as this is-he changed our relationship status on facebook and it hurt...I don't to be complicated with anyone I want to be married.

We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together and know that is all up in the air....That hurts. FUCK EVERYTHING HURTS!

A ray of sun came out today

Today I was laying on my back watching a bird construct a best on the limb of a very small tree. The wind was blowing the branch but this little was determined to finish this nest. Several times while watching her she would fly away and come back. Right before I had to get up she came flying back with this shiny sparkly ribbon trailing behind her. Just as I was watching the sun peeked through the clouds and the rays poured down on the nest...It was a iridescent ribbon from a balloon. It was pink, purple, shiny and beautiful. This little bird had this ribbon weaved in and out of her nest...So simple so beautiful and something about that nest really touched me inside! It made me remember that there is beauty all around us and we only need to stop and look.

The sun just set

Every night Maddox breaks my heart over and over again. Every night as I am making dinner and the sun is setting he comes running into the kitchen to inform me that the sun is going away and daddy needs to hurry home. I then have to remind him that Daddy doesn't come to this house when the sun goes down anymore and then he laughs and says that's right silly me. I dread this conversation but it happens every night.

Grasyen has declared that he doesn't like daddy's new house and he only wants to live here at his old house. When I talked to him about daddy's house and how he would have to talk to daddy about that. Graysen shook his head and said NO MAMA YOU HAVE TO YOUR THE GROWN UP!

One Tequilla Two Tequilla FLOOR!

Saturday night was my first night alone....Bailey had the boys at his new place so Lyndley my trusty sidekick came down and we went out to eat and then had a good old fashion bar hopping' party. All night long she was buying me drinks...I can't even remember how many I had. But I do remember thinking that I could see better with one eye instead of two.....

At the need of the night I went home alone and Lyndley got on the train to go back to the city and that is where the night went down hill.. Me ALONE DRUNK and a PHONE!I was crying on the phone to my friend Nina about how I NEEDED a Sourdough Jack but it was too far to walk too and she had to convince me to NOT get in a cab and get one. And then I called Mr Bailey! God Why?!?!?! From what I can remember is that I was just crying and saying PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.....Then he would tell me to hang up and call him back when I wasn't so upset and I would hang up and then call back right away still as upset and just crying.I am pissed at myself for 1. Getting so shit faced 2. Celling him and 3. Not getting a sourdough jack those are yummy when you are drunk!

America the Proud..America the Brave

I can't type through these tears

Maybe my need to be loved was too much and it really destroyed what I had. Maybe I needed too much and that that need ruined everything.......My heart is breaking and I can barely hold on but I have these two little boys that don't understand what is going on and I can't lay around and cry, mope, and whine cause it isn't fair to them. They didn't ask for this
(FUCK NEITHER DID I)

I really can't do this.....I feel so alone and I am so scared to be alone. All I wanted to be was a mother and a wife and I failed....The hardest time is at night when I am alone here in the house and there isn't anyone to talk too. I just walk from room to room looking for what I lost.

I'm so loney I could die......

Tonight is really the first time in seven years that I have been without Bailey. It is the first night at his new place. There is an overwhelming grief inside me. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me he is sorry and that he needs me...wants me. Needs and wants everything that we have built together. That he is sorry and wants to make everything work. And then there is this part of me that wants him to be alone in an apartment surround by his mother's things and being miserable. Hurting more then I am hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a master plan to this life that I waddle through but it is hard when you don't have a map showing you which way to go.

That's all I have to say about that.

Bailey has found a place to live and he is moving out. We are getting separated....

Harriet Lerner and Elisabeth Kuber-Ross

"YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL HAVE A DIFFERENT LIFE."

"I'm not okay, you're not okay, and that's okay."

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain

Pain has entered my life like a thief in the night...Opening the drawers of my heart and dumping them to the ground. Taking my memories-the good, the bad, and stomping them to pieces. It hurts to breath, it hurts to hold air in my lungs. It hurts to lay in bed and it hurts to join the world. It hurts to eat but yet it hurts to have my stomach growl. I feel alone in a room full of people and yes that hurts.

Bravier then I

I just watched a documentary called Section 60. Section 60 is the area of Arlington National Cemetery where solider's from Iraq and Afghanistan are buried. It was gut wrenching. The rows and rows of YOUNG men and women that are laying in the ground there makes me sick and makes me want to scream..How unfair this war is and how many people are suffering and will suffer. How long will it go on for and how many section 60's will there be?

These families have built a community there in that acre of land. They know each other by name and meet each other with a hug. Bring coffee and flowers for each other. They have bonded with each other in such an amazing way..Mothers, wives, sisters, children all carrying the burden of war.

I hope that when it is Bush's end of life he has to watch images of brother's sharing beers with their brother's graves on their birthdays. Mother's watering flowers that they brought from their garden's to their children. Wives listening to "their song" on their anniversary. Father's kissing the top's of graves. Children drawing pictures of their mommy's, children who will never even remember their mother's face. All while listening to that lonely ballad of the trumpet playing. Maybe then he will know what price this nation paid to bring democracy to the world.



God I pray for every son and daughter in Iraq and Afghanistan tonight. Keep them safe, protect them, and send them home alive to their loved ones.

One Zero Zero

Today I had this conversation with Graysen while we were in the car going to lunch. We had JUST pulled out of our driveway and hadn't even drove off our street.

G: Are we there yet?

Me: G how could we be there if we can still see our house? We will be there in 15 minutes.

G: We turned off Elm Street! Are we there yet?

Me: G we have to be in the car for 15 minutes....See the clock? Right now it says 12:45 when it says 1:00 then we will be there and you can ask if we are there and I will say "Yes we are!"

G: Ok ok ok One Zero Zero..One Zero Zero one Zero Zero. Mama when will the clock say One Zero Zero?

Should I sign him up for Clean House now?

Graysen is a collector! Right now we have 3 different collection going on (listed in order of gross factor):

CANDY WRAPPERS!
Anytime he finds a candy wrapper from anywhere he must pick it up, save it to bring home and put in his special box. I caught him going into the garbage at the park the other day to grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapper that had Batman on it! I swear everyone there thought that we were some homeless family. I saw one mom pity Maddox,who was staring at their pears, give him one.

POPSICLE STICKS!
For the last few months Graysen has been keeping each and every popsicle stick that he has eaten (at home at least) so that he can "count how many he eats his whole long life" Ok this one wouldn't be so bad if I didn't catch Maddox under the train table sucking the last bit of orange of some month old popsicle stick. These sticks are kept in the special box too.

MOVIE TICKETS!Ok so this one isn't so gross, strange, or even annoying other then it shows was shitty parents Bay and I are by what movies we have taken our 4 and 3 year old to. IRON MAN, TRANSFORMERS ETC. I did put my foot down on the Mitchell's Brothers All Day Movie Explosion though! :)Now the movie ticket thing wouldn't be so bad if Graysen didn't beg every family member for their movie tickets. Now we have envelopes full of old ripped half readable tickets! Also keep in his special box

Now to the special box. It is a corn dog flip top box that Graysen drew G's all over so that everyone in the world will know that it belongs to him and if it is ever lost they can look up G for Graysen and know to bring it back to him on Elm Street.

What Is A Boy?

He's an imp and an angel, a dreamer, a tease.

An explorer of meadows, and a climber of trees.

A runner of errands, and doer of chores.

Who tears his best trousers, and tracks up your floors.

He's a solemn young man with some mud on his feet, and a daredevil riding his bike down the street.

A bundle of questions, who wants to know "why" the world goes around and the stars fill the sky.

He's adventurous, timid, excited or quiet, there's nothing so new that he won't care to try it.

And just when your temper and patience wear thin, he'll look up at you with an innocent grin.

And your heart melts again your pride and joy.

That mischievous, wonderful treasure---your boy!!

A friend sent this to me today and when I was just about to google: Boarding School-Preschool! Five words: Graysen, Maddox, early morning, and fridge!

A place to hide

I am hiding in my room. Today was a blah day around here. I feel grumpy. I feel tired. I feel like I really want to have McDonald...And whatever I get I want LARGE sized. ha ha ha

So as I sit here Maddox is in his room playing and Graysen is eating a carrot in the dining room.

M: Graysen come here I NEED you!

G: No I am busy

M: Graysen come here I NEED you! I'm in big trouble

G: Ok I will come.

I am a bad mother even though Maddox was in "big trouble" I still sat here reading TMZ and finding out that Heidi Klum has a beef with J Lo. Luckily we have blob that will keep the boys busy until daddy comes home, and I have an unopened bottle of wine, a new book, and a hot bath to crawl into.

It is only days away before he wire taps me

We got this build-a-safe kit from Micheal's and we put it together today. It was really easy and lots of fun. This 20 minute project lead to hours of fun here at our house. Graysen and Maddox each had a section to screw together while I used all my muscles and held it tightly until it started to take shape of a box.

It has a lock door front and a top slit that you can easily slip "secret" papers into it. Since putting it together Graysen has gotten a spy kit together: The tools from the safe kit, the safe, his binoculars, a pad of paper, pencil, and his camera. How he knew to add these items to make a spy kit I have no idea?

While I was making lunch G and M were spy's. Taking notes and "pictures" of me making lunch and then locking up the info in the safe. I pretended to be extra sneaky so they would have something to spy on...I also did a silly dance so they could "photograph" it. They boys each worked out a sharing schedule so they could each have a turn putting their special secret stuff in the safe. Graysen gets it for 100 days and then Maddox gets it for 3 days.

I did finesse the schedule a bit and gave them each 3 days to have it before they had to pass it along to the other one.

Fantastic Friday!

"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised." (Micheal from The Office)

Why even at 30 years old are girls still always girls?

Friday's at Graysen's school are my day to work the classroom (Not to be confused with the 2 Wednesdays a month when I have yard duty from 1145 until 1). I was really worried about Maddox who has NEVER EVER stayed with anyone that he didn't know...I.E. Bailey, Corrina, and Lyndley. And then Graysen was ALWAYS with him. Ok so I was taken back to how he didn't care that I was leaving once he saw the huge fire truck toy they had. Graysen and I marched up the stairs to his classroom. I turned to my son for moral support as we both were going to weave through the politics of school-he left me! I had to to walk into the door alone as my son ran off to play Lego's with a group of other boys....I felt alone...like I was having one of those in front of the class naked dreams. I went to the Mom's Apron Station...Everything has a catchy little jingle and it's own station at Graysen's school.

Noooooo big deal JUST NEXT time I will have to set up my outfit around the BRIGHT RED apron with the HUGE station letter sprawled across my chest. I grab C and walk to my station. I am in charge of the entire Playhouse Station ....Each and every toy is located in this section. Each and every shoe, hat, and scarf of the dress ups. Each and every Lego, truck, and the inside jungle gyms. I try to lean up against the jungle gym trying to look cool. Like I do this all the time. And I know I have that weird nervous smile I get and if I did talk to anyone I would end each sentence with that annoying fake laugh I get. Just then I turn and I see a mom who did match her outfit to the apron walk into my playhouse area wearing the damn C apron! I do that smile and laugh thing trying to inch away to check the mom job station binder to see if I SOMEHOW made a horrible mistake!

Apron H The Outside Motor Development Station is where I am supposed to be! Nervous Laughter. I go outside to see that how "old moms" have stepped up to the plate and did my station set up. DAMNIT!

First thing is the Morning Circle Time and Groups.

My group went outside and played this ball catch game. Not bad..Had fun time. Little bummed that Graysen isn't in my group. But they do that on purpose. Snack time....Now I am feeling good from my groups and go back upstairs...You can totally see the old moms new moms. It is like the red sea. And in that moment I want all the old moms to like me and want to be my best friend..For their kids to love Graysen and be best friends....I had this deep down from the pit of my belly feeling that I HOPED they would all like me! I had to bitch slap myself and bring myself back to the real world!

School on the mom level is so far interesting...Graysen loves it. Maddox loves his babysitting set-up. Mommy's nervous how everything will go along...And Daddy he is happy that Graysen is so happy.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

I have this childhood idea of what my extended family was when I was a child..This may or not (some how) be some figment of my imagination. I am hoping that it is real cause when I think of it I am filled with this wonderful feeling of pure joy that I can only think is love.

I have this memory of my family: It is after Thanksgiving and we have eaten and the adults of my family are in the kitchen laughing, yelling, everyone talking at once, name that song game going on with a few different people it is just pure conversation at it's best. Everyone is there no one has gotten mad, moved or died.

My Uncle Dale sitting in the bar stool nearest to the phone. My Uncle Les next to him with my grandma in the third bar stool. My grandma is sitting her her arms crossed and wearing that grey sweatshirt jacket. My Aunt Mary leaning up against the end of the counter with my Uncle Greg kind of standing behind her. Laughing away and smiling. My Aunt Phyllis is standing on the opposite side of the counter facing everyone with a towel on her shoulder. She's calling everyone "Shril" "Mar" "Sande" "Beck" "Sha" in that perfectly cracked Aunt Phyllis voice. My Aunt Sandy on sitting at the table with her back slightly turned away from her sisters but Still sitting at the table with Kelly, Aunt Kathy, Geri, and myself calling us Dillas. While Amy stood up cause there wasn't enough seats.

The kids are playing in Devin's and Zac's room. Kids are always age order of 18 and under in my family. There back there playing the same games I played after Thanksgiving when I was a kid. Corrina May, Jessica, and Z-A-C are walking from room to room talking to each other in a whispered hush......

Everyone in that house was thinking the same thing..Man it's getting late and I have a 45 minute drive home but ONE MORE COKE AND WE'RE LEAVING!

No Shirts No Service!

Maddox doesn't like shirts....

Maddox doesn't like under ware....

Maddox doesn't like the top button of his jeans buttoned....

Maddox doesn't like to eat peanut butter and jelly together....

Maddox likes to have sharpie drawn tiger scribbles all over his body....

Maddox likes only pink kitty cat vitamins from Trader Joes....

Maddox likes to dance to Leona Lewis while wearing his skunk costume....

Maddox likes to kiss animals on their mouths cause "That's wear you kiss"

I didn't learn anything I learned EVERYTHING

Yesterday Graysen started his school! We enrolled him in a parent's co-op: Mon, Wed, and Fri for 3 hours int he morning. Fridays I am there with him slaving away in his classroom.
He was so excited when he woke up in the morning singing "I AM GOING TO SCHOOL". As we walked there Maddox ate a banana and Graysen carried his lunch, skipped, and told me everything he would be doing there. I nicely reminded him to hurry so we wouldn't be late.

As we walked to the school his teacher "Teacher Nancy" was ringing a massive old school bell and welcoming all the kids to their first day. We walked up the stairs and put his lunch in his cubbie and went over to the carpet to hear a song and have Teacher Nancy give us some reminders and then Mondays working parents went to their stations and the kids had free time....All other parents were asked to leave. I stood around chit chatting with some other mothers, meeting them and staring at my son who kissed and hugged me went off to start his day of playing and meeting new friends. I picked up Maddox and off we went downstairs..

Maddox started to scream as we reached the stroller crying "WE LEFT GRAYSEN!!! MY GRAYSEN MY GRAYSEN GO GET MY GRAYSEN MAMA GRAYSEN IS UP THERE GRAYSENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"

When it was time to get Graysen Maddox was happy and Graysen was happy to see us. We walked home where Graysen gave me a play by play of his day, friends, snacks, and told me he was so happy!

When Bailey came home Graysen informed him that "He didn't' learn anything. He learned everything!"

All that he can do and he is still human?!?!?!

My husband has this sick obsession with Mark Walberg, I still like to refer to him as Marky Mark and every time I do my great and wonderful husband reminds me that he doesn't like to be called Marky Mark anymore. :)

To me each and every MM movie is the same....Just a normal guy who can do one thing above all men and is a god but he is still just a normal guy! Last night we watched a movie that is one of my husband's favs (he won't admit it but before we started watching he told me what a great movie this one was) While watching MM movies we have a routine I laugh and mock everything about the movie and Bailey goes on in great detail how each and everything MM does IS humanly possible. We laugh, watch, and cuddle....These are some of my favorite times. Being with my husband enjoying something he enjoys. The simplicity of our life. Even laughing and mocking MM is one of my favorite things....

And while I will never tell my husband this I kind of like Mark Walberg too!

It's alive

So I have been away..Well not gone somewhere exotic or fun just gone from this spot. There were big changes over the summer....Some good some not so. Some so happy that I thought I was going to burst apart others so low I thought it all may end.



Bailey and I are great, we had some issues this past summer but we are working through them and things are better then ever... Sadly Bailey's mom suddenly passed away this summer and it was heartbreaking. I am so sad for my husband and children. My poor babies who aren't old enough to understand death (but then who IS?) but are old enough to understand we used to go over there and now we can't....Just thinking about them thinking baout her brings tears to my eyes.

Graysen is a semi reader and Maddox knows his M and everytime he sees it it just confirms his thought that EVERYONE LOVES MADDOX!

Glad to be back! Missed you all!!!

Birds and F words!

Big Exciting News here on Elm Street!

Today this little brown bird that was feeding on the bird feeder outside came flying in the house via the kitchen window! I was wiping away pee stains on the toilet when I heard tweeting and thought man that sounds loud! I came out of the bathroom to see this little bird sitting on the TV looking around.

Now in a not so proud moment I I yelled F**K which then made the boys come running to tell me that was a bad word. I shhhh them and show them the bird..Maddox screams BIRDIEEEEEEEEE and wants it to sit on his finger. I walk slowly towards the screen door hoping to open it. The bird sees me and flies straight towards me slamming into the window before I could open it. I jump back into the hall as the bird flys around the dining room slamming into the screen door. I open the front door and beg the bird to PLEASE FLY TOWARDS THE DOOR. Now the boys are jumping up and down screaming "towards the door Ms Bird." Graysen grabs his angel bear and show the bird how to flap his wings.....I bravely try to make my second attempt to open the screen door. The bird is hyper tweeting and you can tell that she is FREAKED OUT.

Just then another bird just like her comes flying and sits on the railing and is tweeting back at the bird stuck inside. I beg out loud to the outside bird that it doesn't come flying in! Then the most amazing thing happens the inside bird flys close to the screen window sees and hears the outside bird and is directed towards the kitchen window and back to freedom!!! The boys and I jump up and down screaming you made it you made you made it! Then both birds sit on the feeder and eating away.

"No, I am your Father!"

When I met Bailey he was NOT a huge Star Wars fan. Yeah, he had seen the movies and liked all the special effects but that was about how far his love for the movies went. Graysen LOVES Star Wars, he knows the characters, and has books, action figures, and he would watch all the movies in a row if we allowed it! So now Bailey is a fan. He will look up Star Wars facts to share with Graysen. He reads this DK book and has learned characters names and who, what, and where they appear in the movies. It is so cute to see them bond over something that in a normal situation Bailey wouldn't necessarily bond with someone over.

California Dreams

"Growing up in northern California has had a big influence on my love and respect for the outdoors. When I lived in Oakland, we would think nothing of driving to Half Moon Bay and Santa Cruz one day and then driving to the foothills of the Sierras the next day."
-Tom Hanks.

We had a day like this today!
Bailey was home from work and we woke up to the most beautiful, sunny, warm amazing day. At 8 AM the sun was shinning and birds were singing! We left the house at about 1030 AM and weren't home until after 5 PM. We drove down to Palo Alto had a yummy lunch and went to the Junior Museum and Zoo. Played and admired the Rats, Bobcats, and Bats. Maddox's personal favorite the one eyed owl who likes to sit on the floor of her habitat.

After the zoo we went to the park and laid in the glass. We rolled around and dog piled daddy. Graysen and Maddox ran around without shirts. It was like a summer day. We then drove the long way home stopped to show the boys the school were daddy went, were daddy worked when we first got married, daddy's old house, and even where we lived when Graysen was born. Of coarse the boys were asleep but we had fun seeing how the houses had changed and the new performing arts center at Bay's high school. Days like this remind me how wonderful it is to be alive!

Can't I have a dream?

I have a dream that I could come to the computer and sit for 5 minutes and look at anything I want without two little voices talking in my ear...One telling me something I OUGHT to know and the other agreeing.

I have a dream that I could lay in bed one whole day and watch cheesy reality TV.

I have a dream that I could do 20 minute errands IN 20 MINUTES!!!

At times like this I have to remind myself that I once had a dream to have a baby that loved me and I would give up everything that I ever knew to have....And hell I have two babies what a dream it is!

the saying is true you only see people at

Funerals and Weddings.

This past week a great man I knew went home. Going to his funeral was like a flash back into time. Seeing people that I loved. People I grew up around. It was amazing to see everyone! So comforting but sad and scary all at once. Part of me wished that LCF still existed like in memory. Going to church at night....Barney singing (which is the most calming sound). Jean's voice praying for you...Michael's lisp as he talked. Ray playing the guitar. Sitting with my grandma. Everyone meeting up at Taco Bell afterwards. Sometimes that trip to the Denny's in your mind IS fun!

Why can't motherhood start at 10?

This morning I woke up to Maddox 2 inches from my face telling me he had to poop. My response to him was then go sit on the potty. Graysen laying across me whinnying about how hungry he is and how he has "never ever eaten tooooooodayyyyyyyyyy". I get up and slowly make my way to the kitchen passing Maddox on the potty reading a book on rats. While in the middle of making oatmeal I hear Maddox calling me and so nicely informing me that he has poop on IT! IT??!?!?! I run into the bathroom to see Maddox with an entire roll of toilet paper all over the bathroom, and poop all over the toilet, hand, and leg! I tell him not to touch, move, or breath! I run back to the kitchen, stir the oatmeal, back to bathroom and start shower. Back to kitchen to stir the oatmeal (all while stepping over Graysen who has decided that it would be helpful to lay across the hallway with his feet on the wall singing about how hungry he is) Get Maddox in the shower and go back to the kitchen to put the oatmeal in the bowls and grab those cleaning wipe things. As I am knee deep in poop, Graysen tells me that he wants to take a shower too so he gets in bringing 20 toys, a baseball bat, and goggles with him. DEEP BREATHE...Back to poop.. Phone rings..Oh of coarse the caller id isn't picking up the number. And it is the Police Activities League. I inform them that my two year old has poop all over the bathroom and my 4 year old is trying to bring his blanket into the shower to make a tent and if they could call me later. Before they hang up they ask if I would like to donate any money! DEEP BREATHE " Sure if you call me in a hour I will write you a check for 1 million dollars!" Damn I wish Starbucks delivered!

Let the memory live again

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! Today we started our day off with yummy homemade strawberry shakes (made with soy of coarse since Maddox can't have dairy!) The boys watched a Valentines's DVD that we got from the library. Then we made a tent! A good ol' fashion one made from a sheet. :) It made me think about when I was a kid and Corrina and I would take two chairs and a sheet. Drape it over and play inside. We would always try to think of ways to prevent the tent from falling in. And it would end of frustrating us as it would either fall on us or a side would slip off and we would have a half of a tent. The boys loved it. Maddox didn't get that you couldn't stand on top of it and he broke it several times. But he learned that it was so much fun playing inside and pretending we were bears and it was our cave! ROAR!!!!!

As a family we have been talking a lot about the upcoming election. Graysen has really gotten into a mild watered down US History. It has been fun to talk about history with him. It is a personal favorite of mine! He really likes learning about the presidents and he has decided that he is going to be "President Forever" I haven't had the heart to tell him that is a dictator.

Today we went to vote for our state's primary when we got to the polling place Graysen proudly tells everyone and anyone (repeatedly) who will listen that: George Washington was the first president and he is dead. Each time he said dead he said it in a funnier, deeper, gruffer, more monstrous voice. Which made people stop and stare at us. Some laughed and some gave that gasp look which means they are totally appalled. I don't' know why people have such a hard time hearing children talk about death. I was proud-Washington was the first president and he is dead....Now if I can just get Maddox to say George Bush is a Warlord. ;)

Never a dull moment

This morning Maddox cut his thumb after 20 minutes, 3 band aids, and both Bay and myself applying pressure it finally stopped bleeding. During this time Maddox WAS NOT a happy camper! Graysen was trying his best to be a great helper: talking to Maddox, rubbing his back, and running back and forth getting more toilet paper. All seemed fine and well-flash forward to 945 pm tonight when his finger starts gushing out blood, him screaming and shaking. I call Bailey (who is STILL working nights) tell him that I am going to take Maddox to the ER at Sequoia Hospital and that I would call him once I got there. Graysen gets into Big Brother mode; gets his jacket and shoes and then tells Maddox is this super calm voice "We are going to the ER and they are going to make you better! OK?" (Graysen's only experience with the ER is when he had CP) Maddox totally listens to Graysen stops crying and they both look at me. I rinse Maddox's thumb looking at the cut. It's not deep enough for stitches-what would the ER do besides send me a huge bill? I call bay back and tell him we are not going to the ER-Poor guy!

Long story short-We re-band aid it and now the boys are watching a magic school bus movie and munching on popcorn.

Poor Maddy!

Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A. Today was a good day!

Yesterday I had the best day with the boys! We got up at 8 AM to the smell of freshly brewed coffee! I finally pre-programed my maker. It is a dream to wake up t hot yummy coffee. We made breakfast together, ate, and cleaned up. We were whistling while we were working. :) After breakfast we read a gorilla book, talked about how we can save gorillas they are "critically endangered" . We looked up online about how to adopt one and we signed up. We will be getting our information packet in a few weeks. Graysen is really excited and already has asked SEVERAL times when his gorilla pictures was coming!!!! Cut and pasted a gorilla picture and letters. Drew our own gorillas. After all that we talked about how to spell G-O-R-I-L-L-A and how that starts with G and how Graysen starts with G. Graysen practiced writing G's. He was doing such a good job and was having such a good time writing. It is so cool to see how Graysen knows that there are letters and those letters make up words and you can read words. I love seeing the wheels in his mind turning!

That's MY boy!

Today we were at the park meeting some friends (smiles and waves!!!) and Maddox is running around being his normal chipper self stops in mid run laughs to himself then sticks his butt out and screams " I bummy you" to whom you ask? The entire park!!! He then spanks his own butt. Then Graysen laughs and yells "My brother is bumming you!" I look around and see 5 moms look at Maddox and break into laughter...I laugh back and say That's my boy!

You know your next in line for rehab when....

You are banging on the side of your coffee pot begging it to brew faster! Enough said about today and it is only 10:26 AM!

Yeah I am going there.....

Tonight I turned on the TV tonight and I got the last few minutes of some tabloid show and of coarse they were talking about Britney Spears......It is her and some guy walking into some Deli in LA and she is walking behind this guy and following him through out the deli like a lost little girl. At one point there is a mother and a daughter in front of them and for a split second Britney stares at this mother-daughter hugging and talking and just looks and gives this smile but it isn't a happy smile it is a sad smile....For that split second it is heart breaking to me...Is she thinking about her own lost mother daughter embraces cause she was the one responsible for feeding her family? Or was she thinking about her own little babies and how she is in some deli with some guy with 50 lights flashing at her all wanting her to be crazy so they can sell some picture.... Everyday you hear Joe Bob and Sally Sue make comments about how she is throwing her life away and it will end in a tragedy-Fire and Brimstone! It makes me sad...Sad for someone who I don't even know and who I will never know. But we are both woman..both mothers to two little boys... both in our twenties....Makes me want to pray for her as lame as that it.

Welcome to the Jungle....Baby!

This morning I took the boys to this indoor jumpy castle place for the morning jump and there was this woman there with her son......UGH! She was one of those women who do not see any flaws in her child and go about her agenda no matter if the roof is falling in. Her son was torturing all the other children as he hit,bit, pushed down, and ran around kicking. Every few minutes she would call him over to her and offer him Hawaiian Punch. I wanted to scream before she came over to me! Then as I was standing there enjoying my children I saw her out of the corner of my eye. It started off with Your daughter is so cute. I explained that she was a he..Then it was are their twins? No, there are 18 months apart.....Then the question Ohh is he in school? Pointing to Graysen. No he isn't in school. Then the gasp about how she has had her son in a academic preschool for 3 years now and he is going to be starting in a kindergarten prepareness class this spring but she is worried because it is a 5 day a week thing and blah blah blah she wouldn't want him to have to repeat it. I looked over to her son who was pulling on another kid while that kid was screaming....but hell at least he has been in a academic preschool!

Speaking of birthdays

Graysen is having a party later this month...And he is already telling me how the entire day is going to go, who will be here, what he is getting as gifts, and about the cake!

He has picked a Tranformer theme party...He has already asked me about a million times if today is his party (he has only been four since Tuesday). It is so funny to see him so excited.

We were first planning his party at this local kid gymnastic place but he told me that he wanted to have his friends over his house and have a jumpy castle so he can "jump jump jump all day"! So I lost my deposit (which I had on the place since October..I know but the OCD in me got the better of me!) Now I am having about 30 people here are my house. Fun Fun Fun!

Even when I am a grown up!

Today Graysen and I were sitting on the couch before bed and he told me that he wanted to cuddle with me so I grabbed him and we had a cuddle moment. Graysen looked up at me and said "even when he is a grown up he is going to cuddle with me every day-forever". The look in his eye was beautiful his little eyes were sparkling and he had this smile that spread across his face. I told him that I will always cuddle with him no matter if he is an old man with a wife and kids; anytime he needs it I will be there. His answer was: OK good! (With a firm head shake)

Moments like this I wish I could bottle to save for later....It goes by too fast. Four years have already gone by and I can't remember everything...In another four will I remember this conversation?

Happy New Years!

I can't believe that 2007 is over and 2008 has begun. Last night we went to my cousin's house and partied until 7 minutes after midnight and then took the boys home. I had had 8 beers that night and was begging Bay to go to Jack in a box..I felt like Will Ferrall in Old School "You think KFC is still open?" When we got home we watch Waitress and I fell in love with it. It was a very good New Years Eve! And I am happy to state that my children were up until 1230 and slept in until 11! And I woke up without a hangover...Which only can mean one thing drinking should be more of a regular thing for me. Since it is in my genes anywhooo.. LOL

So with a new year here I am going to (just like everyone else on the planet) going to be a new me. I am going to try to have more of a schedule and hopefully with that new schedule I will be more organized. I am craving these things and I hope that I can achieve them. WISH ME LUCK!

I also want to be a better mother...Not that I don't think I am a good mother just I want to be better...to not yell...to not lose my mind at the small things. TO be grateful that I have beautiful happy children who adore me. And not in any order to be the best wife that I know I can be. To give more of myself even when I feel like I am empty. Cause there shouldn't be a reason that I feel empty when I have so much to fill me. To remember that out of all the men in the world that I could be with I choose him and I should happy that we are here on this boat together even if at times it feels like we are sinking....

Best wishes to you in 2008! I hope that it brings you joy and happiness but above all of this I wish you love.....and I will always love youuuuuuuuuuu (reaching a sound only dogs can hear and I can hear them in a distant howling!) Thank you Miss Whitney!