Ramblings from the rabbit hole

So before my official legal divorce I felt this unbearable need to talk, see, and be around Bailey. But since Jan 15 there isn't that need. I mean I miss him and I love him-LOTS. But there isn't a in love my tummy swarms when I see him.

I am angry at him. Angry that HE DID this. Angry that he can just go on while I have to do the day to day of our old life.

I think I am ready to date-I am scared.....How do I date again? How do I be a mother to my children and a lover to another man who is not their father? It is scary. I am scared to share my hopes and dreams with someone again. Last time I got burned. When do I introduce my children to a boyfriend? It is all such new territory!

I am not ready

To change my profiles.

All great things must come to an end

So today I came home and there it was...A legal size envelope with my handwriting the perfect letters the deep blue gel ink.....It came I looked at it like it was going to bite me. It was my offical legal binding divorce papers. One week to the date they came. I slid to the ground and held the letter. I knew what they said I have been listening to the judges voice all week in my head. Hearing her proclaim our life and with her pen making it legal. But still seeing that envelope it made it all real again. I sobbed openly, deeply, and primal. My children stood in the doorway watching me. Graysen came very quietly and sat next to me. Maddox stood before me and smiled. I opened it and called Bailey. He answered and I could only cry and he knew. He told me that he would go and check the mail and call me back.

I don't really miss him anymore but my soul still yearns for him. I still think of him daily and I still want to crawl into bed with him at night . So yeah maybe I do still miss him.