Taking classes

So I am signing up to take some night classes this coming up January. I am thinking about going two nights a week?!?! Maybe taking a computer class and a math class. I am also thinking about taking telecourses which I would watch at home do the work and meet like every few weeks on my own time with the teacher! I am really excited about this!!! I just have to figure out what classes, Bay's schedule and actually sign up for them!!!

Besides bettering myself ( which I always push everyone else to do) I think it will be good for the boys to have some daddy time and let Bay know what I do all day too!!!

Finally we are well!

The boys woke up with laughter, screams, and songs! YEAH my boys are finally themselves! I was getting really worried about them..especially Graysen who pretty much laid in a pile all week and didn't move. But they are dancing and hugging now. It is so stressful when your kids are sick and there isn't a thing you can do to make them feel better.

It is crazy to see these two little boys grow from babies to toddlers. They are so amazing. They have games that they play, songs that they sing. And Graysen always knows what Maddox wants.

Right now they are wrestling on the bed; Maddox is on top of Graysen trying to push him off the bed. Ugh the joys of having boys close in age! I foresee my future!

Today is Thanksgiving?

Hmmm? It sure doesn't feel like Thanksgiving......Graysen, Maddox, and Lyndley are battling the stomach flu and have been throwing up for 2 days. Corrina went to San Jose, and Bay and I are here.
It feels like a normal Saturday or Sunday around here. We are having shrimp and crab for dinner instead of a traditional meal. I usually cook Thanksgiving dinner for just us but cause of the flu going around, and we thought we were going to go to my aunt's. I didn't get anything. This was going to be my aunt's last Thanksgiving, there is a rumor that she is moving to Hawaii or something like that.

Holidays seemed much more magical when I was a kid. You had such a build up to each one....Each new holiday brought a new promise....A day off school, time with your cousin's playing, presents, candy....All that is good, and pure to a child. I miss that awe and wonder. It will be sad that all I knew as a kid my own children won't know. They won't know the happiness you feel when you turned onto Wisteria and you knew you were almost there.........The huffs you blew when you couldn't find a spot soon enough and the race to the front door to see everyone. The Hi's, the hugs and kisses from everyone. Your smile back. The sneak out to the garage to grab a coke even though your old one isn't finished. The games you played. The memories you only share with a handful of people. There are only a few people in the world that know I would always have to be the Queen in any game we played, and that I am really really scared of "Bloody Mary". There are only a few people in the world that know how to tell how long we have left by the sound coming from the kitchen...Sounds of laughter, singing, arguing, and love. Sounds you don't hear as often now. Makes me long for another time that only a trip in a time machine can get too.

Snake Maker

Today the boys and I were sitting at the kitchen table playing play-doh and Graysen tells me that I am the best play-doh snake maker. The look on his face when he told me that was priceless...He was proud of me, proud that in his eyes I was the best snake maker! I said Thank you and that he was good at making them too.

I am lucky to be a mother. Lucky that my children are happy and healthy. Lucky that when they look at me I am the greatest in their eyes. No matter what I have done or what I haven't done doesn't matter to them I am just their mother. They see me as perfect. I never want them to know the truth....That I am just winging this! LOL I never knew how amazing it would be to be a mother. How connected to these children I would be....How I an love them so much no matter what! How much they are both wanted.

That is something with me being wanted........Growing up there were times when I felt I was a bother and that I never really had a place. That hurt....It hurt being a child in that situation and now being an adult I am still hurt by it. The loneliness and the shame I had growing up is still with me as an adult. It shapes everything I do..as a mother, wife, friend....everything!

I forgot to add cleaning!

I have been on an OCD kick and super cleaning every day and it feels so good to have such a clean house! When my house is clean I feel clean inside!!! And I feel very proud cause I am not a cleaner! I was never taught how to properly clean or was made to clean up my home as a child. Growing up my house was never that clean either so it feels good to be a grown up and have my own clean place!

Babies, jobs, and cleaning

I am really going through a wind whirl....I am getting the baby wants....I would really love to have another baby. I am starting to feel it in everything I do...I see pregnant woman and I yearn to be pregnant. I see newborns and my arms ache to hold them. But timing is not right...When is timing ever right to bring a new baby into your life? I think about money could we afford another baby? Could we afford one when we had Graysen? UGH! Maybe I am only feeling this way cause Bay doesn't want one right now...He feels it would be too much right now. Just when he puts the brakes on expanding our family I want too. Isn't that Murphy's Law??!?!?!?!

So with the baby wants out of the way: Maybe I will get a job? Like a small not serious one? Maybe a waitress? Could I do that? Hmmm? I hate to watch other people eat....But it is pretty easy and something I could at night when Bay gets home. I think it would be fun to go and have some adult time and make a few bucks while I am at it. Wow my own money what a thought! I haven't made my "own" money is 2 years....
I have a lot on my mind or maybe nothing at all. I think I have lost my mind!....

My Crazy Little Life

So I just need to scream from a top of a mountain that I had the best day today! Everything went well! The bobys slept till 8 AM! WE had a great morning at home went out to lunch with NeNe then to the park and we played, ran and had a great time. Then I got to spend alone time with Bay!!! Ilove being ME today!!!!!

Deep thougts for today

Do you ever re think your parenting and wonder if you are doing a good job? The best job that you could do? Sometimes I get so confused.....I love the way I parent the boys. I follow my heart and do what I think is best for my boys but I also feel that I don't fit in anywhere with other moms. I think it is my age. That I am on the younger side of people who parent the way I do. I don't think it puts me so much off as it does that other older person off? They feel we have nothing in common...But we are not so different.I am having a day where I am second guessing everything!!! Are the choices I am making for my family right? Is home schooling right? Is it something I want? Will it cause my children to be "freaks"? Will they be missing out? And what about me? Just cause I have children doesn't mean ME is dead! Do I want to become that home schooling mother who has nothing but her kids and that is it? I had dreams and goals and wishes and I feel that sometimes I have put me on the back burner...I want to go back to school! I want to do something. Yeah I do want to teach preschool! Yeah I do want to work! Is that so bad? Then I think where does that put having more children in the picture? I want one more. I am done. I feel like I have all these LIFE POSSIBLITIES on my shoulders. I think I am feeling like I am in this middle ground not moving phase. Why does being an adult have to be so hard? Man......Ok, I am going to stop thinking and climb into bed and cuddle with my husband. Good Night!