Meditation

So I have started a new meditation routine and tonight was the first night doing it. Inside my soul I feel clearer and more at peace. It is amazing. I spent almost an hour in a pure, quite, and dark state. I feel clean inside. I am so happy that I have begun this....
I am also starting a new routine of talking to my children while they are asleep and thanking them for choosing me to be their mothers and to ask God to help me guide them as their lives grow and change.

Today was day one for my weight loss plan. I did well. I am proud of myself. Tomorrow will be the challenge when I am with Lyndley and we are out all day. I am also going to start writing short stories every night for 20 mins. I feel I am entering into a different place spiritually....I am very happy

Father In Law

So tomorrow I am going to call my Father-In-Law and have a heart to heart and find out if some information is true.... When Bailey first asked me to marry him we went to Chico to stay the weekend and to meet him. He came to our wedding. After I had Graysen he came for a day about a week later. That is the last time we saw him. I have invited him to every birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter....EVERYTHING!!! So finally I got sick of it. He has met Graysen once when he was a week old, and has NEVER met Maddox!!! It took him like 3 months to FINALLY ask for a picture. I was pissed and wasn't sending him any. And I called him and pretty much "went off" on him and told him off. We talked for about 30-60 minutes. Well, tonight Bailey in a blaming, nasty, hurtful tone yells at me and says pretty much it is MY fault that HIS father hasn't and doesn't come down here. What BULLSHIT my fault! I couldn't even give him a response cause I was sooo pissed. So tomorrow I am going to call him and ask him if that is true and if it is I am going to let him know that is ridiculous and he needs to get over it!!! WHAT A FUCKIN ASS HOLE PUTTING THAT ON BAILEY LIKE THAT....THE TRUTH IS HE JUST DOESN'T CARE!!!!

Hurtful Words

Bailey and I got into this conversation tonight...I don't' even know how it went there. But it was one of those conversations where you start on one topic and then you go through each and every issue you have with the person. It sucked. I swear at times he acts like he is 45 years old and he is my father!!!!! I want to scream when he acts like that. I know he loves me and all that but I don't feel that I am the most important thing in the world to him and that hurts. It breaks my heart. Makes me want to cry and cry I did. I hate when you cry that crazy uncontrollable snot pouring out of your nose cry and you can't stop and you just want to close your eyes at tight as you can to make the tears stop coming. I want to start doing a gratitude journal where each night I write down 5 things I have thankful for. I think it will be a detox for my soul!

Frustrated

So I am frustrated! I just wrote out this long blog about losing weight and the diet I am starting and it didn't show up! Ugh! I swear I think computers are out to get me!!!!

Diet

So I am starting a diet on Tuesday! I am really excited. I am doing the slimfast diet for a month so I can adjust my body to eating smaller portions. While doing the slim fast diet I am going to read SugarBusters cause I have a MAJOR addiction to sugar. Well, food in general. I am an emotional eater and there is not better hug then an ore! So yeah I need to just cut myself off. I am not so concerned of losing weight (hell that would will be GREAT though) but feeling healthier and better about me!!!!! I hate feeling fat and gross and that is how I feel. Not cool. Wish me luck!

Feeling peaceful

I am in a total state of peace this morning. I woke up feeling very happy to be alive and totally in love with my life. I got to wake up to Graysen's face looking at me and asking me if I wanted to hold Oscar (our kitten). Right now I am sitting here nursing Maddox and watching him sleep. Seeing his little eyes move under his eyelids. Watching his chest rise up and down and he breathes. Being a mother is the most amazing experience. When I sit back and think about what used to be important to me before these two boys I laugh! What BS! Nothing I ever did was important until them.

It is annoying that my STRESS post came up three times?!?! I don't' know how that happened.

I am writing three things I want to come to be on a piece of paper then copy it and put that copy in a safe place. I am going to burn the original copy and set the wheels in motion!

I will be a better person tomorrow then I am today!

Proud of ME

So thinking about my cousin made me want to scream from the mountain tops that I am proud of myself. I am proud of the person I am today. I am proud that I have dealt with some shit in my life and I have done some shit. Yes!!! I am proud of the shit I have done good and gulp bad. I am thankful that I have had wonderful friends during this journey of my life. Funny how God (or whoever is watching us live these lives) gave me family but that family wasn't the best but he has given me great friends. Friends that I speak to today and friends that I no longer do but think about daily. It is funny how when you think that life is hopeless and your just drowning in a sea someone comes and saves you. That is what my husband was. He saved me from a life of not knowing, from a life of disaster, from drowning in that sea where I had been screaming for someone. I had been screaming for so many years too! He heard me!!! I love him more then I could ever tell him. I love him more then I love myself or anyone that I have ever said those words too.....

Fears, Worries, and I want to cry

So my cousin Corrina is coming to stay with us. I am not saying the word live cause that is too scary! I am so afraid of this because I am worried it is going to become a bad situation and we are going to have to ask her to leave and this will become a HUGE family issue. I am afraid that she thinks we are going to be supporting her and we don't have the money to do that. I am worried that having her here is going to ruin my relationship with Lyndley and Bailey. I am afraid that this is a big mistake.....The law just must be laid out TONIGHT and if she can't agree to everything and anything then she will have to leave by Friday. Why did I get put into this situation? Oh I know cause her mother can't take care of her and never taught her to be a responsible person....Why have children if you won't take care of them? Why have them become adults that are losers and become a burden on others? No matter what mistakes I have made or will make I have never not taken care of myself. I have taken care of myself completely since I was 16. No one was over there to help me....And I am proud that all I have and all I have become is because of ME.

Ending One Relationship

So I did it I called our old pedi and told her and the office that we are ending our relationship with them and starting a new one with another Dr.

I am so scared...Partially cause I hate change and partially cause we have been going to her for almost 3 years. She is all my children and I know. I am worried that the boys won't like their new pedi I am worried I won't like him. My husband is happy that he is a male and thinks that as the boys grow older it will be easier for them to see a male doctor.

I am so sad..I really liked our pedi but as our relationship went with time I felt that she never listened to me and took the I am the DR I know attitude a lot, plus she wasn't open to any ideas or thoughts that I had and I AM THEIR MOTHER.

I do have a sense of empowering and feel a new leaf turning over. Not only in our health world but in my relationship with my husband as well. Bailey has gotten his CPAP machine and my god it has helped everything. It is like he is a new man! AMAZING!

My first blog

So I have broken down and I have become a blogger! Now I will be up all night writing every detail of my life....LOL


I am the luckiest woman alive..I have a wonderful husband that would do anything for me no matter what. He has given me the gift of being able to stay home and be a mother. Speaking of being a mother I have two sons. Graysen and Maddox. There is nothing better then being a mother to these two boys. They light up my life in a way that I never knew it needed.
Well, I must go for now...More to come! Motherhood calls!