Deep Thoughts

It isn't like he has asked me to stop or anything BUT....Sometimes when I feel sad, or the over whelming feeling of missing Bailey overcomes me I text him these sad, semi pathetic, full of sobs texts.
I also NEED to stop calling him and having those same texts but in real conversation. Those we do dance back back and forth together. He cries, I cry. I make every declaration of my heart to him and he tells me he is hurting too. I know that he probably is but it is HARD to believe cause I feel like I am the one who was left and tossed to the side like garbage. I feel like I would never of done this to him. And I don't understand WHAT I DID. This whole separation/divorce thing has really brought up some family issues that I have been burying deep down inside. The feelings of anger and sadness from being left by both my parents. I feel like man I must suck as a person if everyone leaves me....They run away. Maybe it is me....

When husbands and wives separate do they really stop all communication? I mean this is stupid but does that deep down friendship have to end? Do we really choice sides? Is there a my team his team? Are we destined to be enemies? Cause I still want that friendship we had. I still want to call him and talk about the day. I still want to know how his dad is. And if his grandma is ok.
I still want daily contact. I still want him to come home.

Please just rip my heart out!

Last night I was walking through Mervyn's and they had all this Christmas decor out, and it was too much for me.....It made me remember our first Christmas together and how we picked out ornaments, and how we were. Before Graysen and Maddox-we had only been married 6-7 months. That's hard....There I stood like an idiot with tears pouring down my eyes just a mess. I just want this pain..this heartache...everything to go away. I miss my old life- a life where I went to bed next to the man I loved...When 5 o'clock I knew who was coming home...This lonely empty feeling is the worse heeling in the world..

I know that I should change my profiles everyone to erased how much I cared and how much I loved him. But I don't want too....AS stupid as this is-he changed our relationship status on facebook and it hurt...I don't to be complicated with anyone I want to be married.

We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together and know that is all up in the air....That hurts. FUCK EVERYTHING HURTS!

A ray of sun came out today

Today I was laying on my back watching a bird construct a best on the limb of a very small tree. The wind was blowing the branch but this little was determined to finish this nest. Several times while watching her she would fly away and come back. Right before I had to get up she came flying back with this shiny sparkly ribbon trailing behind her. Just as I was watching the sun peeked through the clouds and the rays poured down on the nest...It was a iridescent ribbon from a balloon. It was pink, purple, shiny and beautiful. This little bird had this ribbon weaved in and out of her nest...So simple so beautiful and something about that nest really touched me inside! It made me remember that there is beauty all around us and we only need to stop and look.

The sun just set

Every night Maddox breaks my heart over and over again. Every night as I am making dinner and the sun is setting he comes running into the kitchen to inform me that the sun is going away and daddy needs to hurry home. I then have to remind him that Daddy doesn't come to this house when the sun goes down anymore and then he laughs and says that's right silly me. I dread this conversation but it happens every night.

Grasyen has declared that he doesn't like daddy's new house and he only wants to live here at his old house. When I talked to him about daddy's house and how he would have to talk to daddy about that. Graysen shook his head and said NO MAMA YOU HAVE TO YOUR THE GROWN UP!

One Tequilla Two Tequilla FLOOR!

Saturday night was my first night alone....Bailey had the boys at his new place so Lyndley my trusty sidekick came down and we went out to eat and then had a good old fashion bar hopping' party. All night long she was buying me drinks...I can't even remember how many I had. But I do remember thinking that I could see better with one eye instead of two.....

At the need of the night I went home alone and Lyndley got on the train to go back to the city and that is where the night went down hill.. Me ALONE DRUNK and a PHONE!I was crying on the phone to my friend Nina about how I NEEDED a Sourdough Jack but it was too far to walk too and she had to convince me to NOT get in a cab and get one. And then I called Mr Bailey! God Why?!?!?! From what I can remember is that I was just crying and saying PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.....Then he would tell me to hang up and call him back when I wasn't so upset and I would hang up and then call back right away still as upset and just crying.I am pissed at myself for 1. Getting so shit faced 2. Celling him and 3. Not getting a sourdough jack those are yummy when you are drunk!

America the Proud..America the Brave

I can't type through these tears

Maybe my need to be loved was too much and it really destroyed what I had. Maybe I needed too much and that that need ruined everything.......My heart is breaking and I can barely hold on but I have these two little boys that don't understand what is going on and I can't lay around and cry, mope, and whine cause it isn't fair to them. They didn't ask for this
(FUCK NEITHER DID I)

I really can't do this.....I feel so alone and I am so scared to be alone. All I wanted to be was a mother and a wife and I failed....The hardest time is at night when I am alone here in the house and there isn't anyone to talk too. I just walk from room to room looking for what I lost.

I'm so loney I could die......

Tonight is really the first time in seven years that I have been without Bailey. It is the first night at his new place. There is an overwhelming grief inside me. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me he is sorry and that he needs me...wants me. Needs and wants everything that we have built together. That he is sorry and wants to make everything work. And then there is this part of me that wants him to be alone in an apartment surround by his mother's things and being miserable. Hurting more then I am hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a master plan to this life that I waddle through but it is hard when you don't have a map showing you which way to go.

That's all I have to say about that.

Bailey has found a place to live and he is moving out. We are getting separated....