Friends

I am sitting here having trips down memory lane. I was thinking about friends and how they come and go....It is funny that people who I thought would be in my life forever are gone and the people I had written off are back and making an impact in my life....It is funny how life is like that.

72

My grandmother's birthday is on Sunday she would of been 72....

My grandma was smart, beautiful, loving, and kind. She was the type of person that would give you her last dollar if she knew you needed it. I miss her so much. It is hard to think that she is gone and never coming back. I can't have one last conversation with her. Never tell her I love her, I did need her, I was sorry for anything I ever did, but most important Thank you. If it wasn't for my grandma who knows where or who I would be...She took me and never asked for anything from anyone. She never treated me like I was a burden. She was proud of me and loved me. She knew I was here for a reason and always believed in me.

I was the last person with my grandma before she died. I was sitting with her touching her hand watching her lay there. Looking at her face. Looking at every wrinkle..every crease....I told her that is she needed to go to be with God then to go....I feel guilty that I left to go into the waiting room and she passed as soon as I sat down. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be holding her hand. Even though I told her to go I wanted her to stay.....

Brothers

Today Maddox and I were sitting on the floor eating chips and stealing a few minutes together. Maddox happened to be sitting in a pile of chips eating, playing, and smashing them. Graysen came running into the room and says "UGH Maddox chips EVERYWHERE" Then Graysen grabs the biggest chip in the pile eats it and laughs. Maddox then laughs so hard that he fell over before I knew it they were both in a mixed ball of
Graysen and Maddox laughing screaming!

I was amazed that for a few moments in time two completely different people had such a strong connection. The connection of being siblings and being increditably comfortable with each other.

I have dreams for them...Dreams that they are best friends. That they included each other in their lives. That they call each other on the phone and miss each other. Bailey tells
me not hold my breath and they may not be as close as we hope when they are adults. That breaks my heart. To think
of a time they won't be bathing together. Riding the rocking horse together. That they won't share that connection and they will just be two adult men living life: one in his world the other in theirs.

Who knows where my children's paths may take them but I
hope that they always have each other.

Running on empty

So for the past two weeks Graysen has been getting up before 4 AM! It is going to kill me....He is up and ready to start the day. It doesn't matter if he has had a nap the day before, what time he went to bed, or if he ran and played all day at the park. I seriously don't know what to do other then cry!

It isn't like he wakes up and quietly plays he has to wake up Maddox and then it is the two of them running around, jumping on the bed and rumbling through the house!


This morning Graysen ate a half tube of toothpaste in the dark on my bedroom. He got into bed and his whol eface was covered in this sticky yucky gel....I broke down and turned on the 24 hours cartoon channel and went back to sleep. Is that wrong? Should I get up and start my day at that time too?

My son the writer!

Graysen today wrote an "e"! It is wobbly and was written on accident but it is the most beautiful "e" in the whole wide world and will always be kept....

So I must be exhausted cause I seriously became hysterical about this "e" and the greatness of it! When I told Graysen that he wrote an "e" he said ohhhh why? That make me chuckle!

Today we went to the California Academy of Science. We had a wonderful time with our friends. On the way home right before Graysen fell asleep he thanked me for taking him. Again made me cry...What is the date? I may be a little hormonal!?!?!

confusion and love with a dash of guilt?

I am having a rough day today..The boys are being wild monkeys and not listening. I have no patience's and want to scream. I did....It wasn't nice and the looks on my boys face when I yelled made me want to cry and made me fell like I was the worst mother ever. But sometimes I just don't want Graysen to talk, and I don't want Maddox to scream, and I would like for them to just play in their room so I could have one minute to get dressed alone....Then I think I am all they know and one day they won't want to be with me every moment and I will be sad.... Motherhood is it always this mixture of confusion and love with a dash of guilt?

This morning when we were laying in bed Graysen asked me if I was going to throw him in the garbage and I told him no....I really need to re think my words and watch my mouth....Lately I have been telling Graysen if he doesn't put his toys away that I will throw them in the garbage...Poor boy what stress I have been causing him! I am going to erase that statement from my mind.

boys

Ok I think I am going to lose my mind today! It is only 9:30 and the boys are jumping on the bed and screaming.....I have asked them to be quite 5 times and I think if I have to say it again I am going to SCREAM! Ok we need to get out of this house even if it is to run around the block.....

mother

Sometimes I worry that I am not a good mother and think I never had a mother so how can I be a good mother? I miss my mother and wish I could have one last converstation with her telling her everything that I have thought about telling her my whole life. I wish I could of known her better. It breaks my heart that I can't think of her voice or the way she walked or her smile....Nothing. When I think of her a blankiness comes into my mind..There is nothing.

I am 26 now

So I had a birthday this week...26 I don't' know why but it is hitting me that I am grown up. I am a mother..a wife...And even though I feel so whole and so complete as a person but there is apart of me deep down inside that remembers that list I had with all my hopes and dreams on it. I feel so behind in so many ways...I feel lame at times cause I don't have a college degree, but when I think about going back to school I think about where am I going to get the time and the energy?!!?

This birthday was so hard without my grandma....No one in my family called or sent me a card....NOTHING!!!! That really hurt. Makes me feel like not one member of my family cares and I guess that could be true? Maybe my family could care less about me and my children....That is a really sad statement! And I miss my mom more then I thought I ever would.

MILO

So I have a few things to wrote about but first I have the greatest news! When Bailey and I got engaged we bought this little kitten, Milo, I love this cat! I like animals but I have never loved an animal the way I loved and still love Milo. Well when Graysen was 6 months old Milo ran away. We could never find him but for the last 2 years I have kept up his micro chip and then last night we got a call from the Holister Animal Control telling us they had Milo! My kitten..my first baby! He is coming home tomorrow! I am so happy!!!!

Pissed

So Bailey has Sleep Apnea and the whole time we have been married it has been BAD! So bad that at times he would just fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. So Finally he got it taken care of and now has a CPAP machine that helps him breathe while he is sleeping and allows him to get a good nights sleep.

Before he got the machine things were bad between us. I was feeling like I was missing out on something cause he was always tired and falling asleep. He promised me that has soon as he got the CPAP things would be different and he would be able to be here more then sleep next to us. What a liar.....Things were great for the first bit but now he is back to his own self. Today I went out with a friend and told him to rest all afternoon and sleep so tonight we could have time together....Did he? NO! He didn't and now he is sleeping. I am so mad. I am sitting here online mad wanting to be hanging out with my husband but NO he is asleep. Pisses me off!