All My hopes and dreams

I always thought that I would have this picture perfect marriage and family. I thought that my childhood had been bad enough that I had put my "time in" and I was going to have all I wanted, hoped, and dreamed for as a child. I would be that 1950's housewife and we would have 2.5 children and a dog.





I thought what Bailey and I had built together was perfect minus the .5 and dog. I don't know where it all went wrong, I don't know what was so bad that I did.





I am so lonely without him. His side of the bed as lost his scent and that hurts. I have to be out of my house on the 23 of December, which is funny cause that is the day Bailey and I met. A day we always celebrated almost even more then we thought about your wedding anniversary. I am so scared I have no idea what is going to happen. What am I going to do with all my stuff? How am I going to pack it all in a few short days?

I am living my worst fear: Being Alone.....

Can you write yourself a check?

So before I rip myself a new one I want to give myself a small pat on the back! I have been doing very good on living on very little since Bailey left! The lights are on and we have full bellies but this week I made a HUGE mistake and I am paying that I don't bounce like a ball all throughout San Carlos! I have overspent.....And I have three checks out and I am praying that all three don't go in at the same moment in time! To make matter worse these are checks to Graysen's school! So everyone pray with me. PLEASE CHECKS DON'T GO IN THE BANK UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY WHEN THERE WILL BE MONEY IN THE BACK TO COVER EVERYTHING! I am so stupid I can't believe I did this!

I live a real life version of If you Give a Mouse a.....

Tonight the boys and I bundled up and went on a walk looking at Christmas lights, we have a 2 block stretch of houses that place lights on every free space of their houses. It is really pretty and fun to take the kids there... Plus I really enjoy brunt retinas Eye sight is so overrated!

I tried to compose myself as best as I could cause OF COARSE going there made me sad (can I mention for a moment that I am a tad bit sick of being so damn sad all the time and I am TRYING not too be...) and I would make this big deal about the wind and cold making my eyes water. :)

On our way back home we made a pit stop at Starbucks to get hot chocolate and something yummy. I am pushing Maddox in the stroller and Graysen is walking behind us; he tells me that he has to pee. Now it isn't a "Hey mom I have to use the bathroom" it is a " I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD OHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MAMA THE PEE IS GOING TO COME OUT AND I AM GOING TO FREEZEEEEEEE CAUSE MY PANTS WILL BE WET WITH PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Me: "Oh Graysen honey if you have to pee so bad let's walk on the sidewalk quickly and not didly dadly"

Graysen as he is climbing on the teeny tiny ledge to walk to the plank while trying not to spill his hot chocolate "Oh but Mama I love didly dadlying"

I had to stop and laugh it was funny....So we walked the plank which reminded Maddox that he likes to walk planks too so he had to climb out and hold onto his drink and walk only to then scream cause Graysen was first and he was first last time when they walked the plank. Which made Graysen stop so that Maddox could spiderman over him cause YES HE DID WALK THE PLANK FIRST LAST TIME which made Maddox bump into him cause he wasn't looking and spill his chocolate, which then reminded Graysen that he had to pee and was going to pee his pants.....The whole time this is going on I can see our house and I got the bright idea to tell the boys that if we got home in two minutes we could watch The Grinch movie. Which only led to a fight over who liked the Grinch more....We finally made it home dry pants and all!

Happy Holidays!

Deep Thoughts

It isn't like he has asked me to stop or anything BUT....Sometimes when I feel sad, or the over whelming feeling of missing Bailey overcomes me I text him these sad, semi pathetic, full of sobs texts.
I also NEED to stop calling him and having those same texts but in real conversation. Those we do dance back back and forth together. He cries, I cry. I make every declaration of my heart to him and he tells me he is hurting too. I know that he probably is but it is HARD to believe cause I feel like I am the one who was left and tossed to the side like garbage. I feel like I would never of done this to him. And I don't understand WHAT I DID. This whole separation/divorce thing has really brought up some family issues that I have been burying deep down inside. The feelings of anger and sadness from being left by both my parents. I feel like man I must suck as a person if everyone leaves me....They run away. Maybe it is me....

When husbands and wives separate do they really stop all communication? I mean this is stupid but does that deep down friendship have to end? Do we really choice sides? Is there a my team his team? Are we destined to be enemies? Cause I still want that friendship we had. I still want to call him and talk about the day. I still want to know how his dad is. And if his grandma is ok.
I still want daily contact. I still want him to come home.

Please just rip my heart out!

Last night I was walking through Mervyn's and they had all this Christmas decor out, and it was too much for me.....It made me remember our first Christmas together and how we picked out ornaments, and how we were. Before Graysen and Maddox-we had only been married 6-7 months. That's hard....There I stood like an idiot with tears pouring down my eyes just a mess. I just want this pain..this heartache...everything to go away. I miss my old life- a life where I went to bed next to the man I loved...When 5 o'clock I knew who was coming home...This lonely empty feeling is the worse heeling in the world..

I know that I should change my profiles everyone to erased how much I cared and how much I loved him. But I don't want too....AS stupid as this is-he changed our relationship status on facebook and it hurt...I don't to be complicated with anyone I want to be married.

We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together and know that is all up in the air....That hurts. FUCK EVERYTHING HURTS!

A ray of sun came out today

Today I was laying on my back watching a bird construct a best on the limb of a very small tree. The wind was blowing the branch but this little was determined to finish this nest. Several times while watching her she would fly away and come back. Right before I had to get up she came flying back with this shiny sparkly ribbon trailing behind her. Just as I was watching the sun peeked through the clouds and the rays poured down on the nest...It was a iridescent ribbon from a balloon. It was pink, purple, shiny and beautiful. This little bird had this ribbon weaved in and out of her nest...So simple so beautiful and something about that nest really touched me inside! It made me remember that there is beauty all around us and we only need to stop and look.

The sun just set

Every night Maddox breaks my heart over and over again. Every night as I am making dinner and the sun is setting he comes running into the kitchen to inform me that the sun is going away and daddy needs to hurry home. I then have to remind him that Daddy doesn't come to this house when the sun goes down anymore and then he laughs and says that's right silly me. I dread this conversation but it happens every night.

Grasyen has declared that he doesn't like daddy's new house and he only wants to live here at his old house. When I talked to him about daddy's house and how he would have to talk to daddy about that. Graysen shook his head and said NO MAMA YOU HAVE TO YOUR THE GROWN UP!

One Tequilla Two Tequilla FLOOR!

Saturday night was my first night alone....Bailey had the boys at his new place so Lyndley my trusty sidekick came down and we went out to eat and then had a good old fashion bar hopping' party. All night long she was buying me drinks...I can't even remember how many I had. But I do remember thinking that I could see better with one eye instead of two.....

At the need of the night I went home alone and Lyndley got on the train to go back to the city and that is where the night went down hill.. Me ALONE DRUNK and a PHONE!I was crying on the phone to my friend Nina about how I NEEDED a Sourdough Jack but it was too far to walk too and she had to convince me to NOT get in a cab and get one. And then I called Mr Bailey! God Why?!?!?! From what I can remember is that I was just crying and saying PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.....Then he would tell me to hang up and call him back when I wasn't so upset and I would hang up and then call back right away still as upset and just crying.I am pissed at myself for 1. Getting so shit faced 2. Celling him and 3. Not getting a sourdough jack those are yummy when you are drunk!

America the Proud..America the Brave

I can't type through these tears

Maybe my need to be loved was too much and it really destroyed what I had. Maybe I needed too much and that that need ruined everything.......My heart is breaking and I can barely hold on but I have these two little boys that don't understand what is going on and I can't lay around and cry, mope, and whine cause it isn't fair to them. They didn't ask for this
(FUCK NEITHER DID I)

I really can't do this.....I feel so alone and I am so scared to be alone. All I wanted to be was a mother and a wife and I failed....The hardest time is at night when I am alone here in the house and there isn't anyone to talk too. I just walk from room to room looking for what I lost.

I'm so loney I could die......

Tonight is really the first time in seven years that I have been without Bailey. It is the first night at his new place. There is an overwhelming grief inside me. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me he is sorry and that he needs me...wants me. Needs and wants everything that we have built together. That he is sorry and wants to make everything work. And then there is this part of me that wants him to be alone in an apartment surround by his mother's things and being miserable. Hurting more then I am hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a master plan to this life that I waddle through but it is hard when you don't have a map showing you which way to go.

That's all I have to say about that.

Bailey has found a place to live and he is moving out. We are getting separated....

Harriet Lerner and Elisabeth Kuber-Ross

"YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL HAVE A DIFFERENT LIFE."

"I'm not okay, you're not okay, and that's okay."

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain

Pain has entered my life like a thief in the night...Opening the drawers of my heart and dumping them to the ground. Taking my memories-the good, the bad, and stomping them to pieces. It hurts to breath, it hurts to hold air in my lungs. It hurts to lay in bed and it hurts to join the world. It hurts to eat but yet it hurts to have my stomach growl. I feel alone in a room full of people and yes that hurts.

Bravier then I

I just watched a documentary called Section 60. Section 60 is the area of Arlington National Cemetery where solider's from Iraq and Afghanistan are buried. It was gut wrenching. The rows and rows of YOUNG men and women that are laying in the ground there makes me sick and makes me want to scream..How unfair this war is and how many people are suffering and will suffer. How long will it go on for and how many section 60's will there be?

These families have built a community there in that acre of land. They know each other by name and meet each other with a hug. Bring coffee and flowers for each other. They have bonded with each other in such an amazing way..Mothers, wives, sisters, children all carrying the burden of war.

I hope that when it is Bush's end of life he has to watch images of brother's sharing beers with their brother's graves on their birthdays. Mother's watering flowers that they brought from their garden's to their children. Wives listening to "their song" on their anniversary. Father's kissing the top's of graves. Children drawing pictures of their mommy's, children who will never even remember their mother's face. All while listening to that lonely ballad of the trumpet playing. Maybe then he will know what price this nation paid to bring democracy to the world.



God I pray for every son and daughter in Iraq and Afghanistan tonight. Keep them safe, protect them, and send them home alive to their loved ones.

One Zero Zero

Today I had this conversation with Graysen while we were in the car going to lunch. We had JUST pulled out of our driveway and hadn't even drove off our street.

G: Are we there yet?

Me: G how could we be there if we can still see our house? We will be there in 15 minutes.

G: We turned off Elm Street! Are we there yet?

Me: G we have to be in the car for 15 minutes....See the clock? Right now it says 12:45 when it says 1:00 then we will be there and you can ask if we are there and I will say "Yes we are!"

G: Ok ok ok One Zero Zero..One Zero Zero one Zero Zero. Mama when will the clock say One Zero Zero?

Should I sign him up for Clean House now?

Graysen is a collector! Right now we have 3 different collection going on (listed in order of gross factor):

CANDY WRAPPERS!
Anytime he finds a candy wrapper from anywhere he must pick it up, save it to bring home and put in his special box. I caught him going into the garbage at the park the other day to grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapper that had Batman on it! I swear everyone there thought that we were some homeless family. I saw one mom pity Maddox,who was staring at their pears, give him one.

POPSICLE STICKS!
For the last few months Graysen has been keeping each and every popsicle stick that he has eaten (at home at least) so that he can "count how many he eats his whole long life" Ok this one wouldn't be so bad if I didn't catch Maddox under the train table sucking the last bit of orange of some month old popsicle stick. These sticks are kept in the special box too.

MOVIE TICKETS!Ok so this one isn't so gross, strange, or even annoying other then it shows was shitty parents Bay and I are by what movies we have taken our 4 and 3 year old to. IRON MAN, TRANSFORMERS ETC. I did put my foot down on the Mitchell's Brothers All Day Movie Explosion though! :)Now the movie ticket thing wouldn't be so bad if Graysen didn't beg every family member for their movie tickets. Now we have envelopes full of old ripped half readable tickets! Also keep in his special box

Now to the special box. It is a corn dog flip top box that Graysen drew G's all over so that everyone in the world will know that it belongs to him and if it is ever lost they can look up G for Graysen and know to bring it back to him on Elm Street.

What Is A Boy?

He's an imp and an angel, a dreamer, a tease.

An explorer of meadows, and a climber of trees.

A runner of errands, and doer of chores.

Who tears his best trousers, and tracks up your floors.

He's a solemn young man with some mud on his feet, and a daredevil riding his bike down the street.

A bundle of questions, who wants to know "why" the world goes around and the stars fill the sky.

He's adventurous, timid, excited or quiet, there's nothing so new that he won't care to try it.

And just when your temper and patience wear thin, he'll look up at you with an innocent grin.

And your heart melts again your pride and joy.

That mischievous, wonderful treasure---your boy!!

A friend sent this to me today and when I was just about to google: Boarding School-Preschool! Five words: Graysen, Maddox, early morning, and fridge!

A place to hide

I am hiding in my room. Today was a blah day around here. I feel grumpy. I feel tired. I feel like I really want to have McDonald...And whatever I get I want LARGE sized. ha ha ha

So as I sit here Maddox is in his room playing and Graysen is eating a carrot in the dining room.

M: Graysen come here I NEED you!

G: No I am busy

M: Graysen come here I NEED you! I'm in big trouble

G: Ok I will come.

I am a bad mother even though Maddox was in "big trouble" I still sat here reading TMZ and finding out that Heidi Klum has a beef with J Lo. Luckily we have blob that will keep the boys busy until daddy comes home, and I have an unopened bottle of wine, a new book, and a hot bath to crawl into.

It is only days away before he wire taps me

We got this build-a-safe kit from Micheal's and we put it together today. It was really easy and lots of fun. This 20 minute project lead to hours of fun here at our house. Graysen and Maddox each had a section to screw together while I used all my muscles and held it tightly until it started to take shape of a box.

It has a lock door front and a top slit that you can easily slip "secret" papers into it. Since putting it together Graysen has gotten a spy kit together: The tools from the safe kit, the safe, his binoculars, a pad of paper, pencil, and his camera. How he knew to add these items to make a spy kit I have no idea?

While I was making lunch G and M were spy's. Taking notes and "pictures" of me making lunch and then locking up the info in the safe. I pretended to be extra sneaky so they would have something to spy on...I also did a silly dance so they could "photograph" it. They boys each worked out a sharing schedule so they could each have a turn putting their special secret stuff in the safe. Graysen gets it for 100 days and then Maddox gets it for 3 days.

I did finesse the schedule a bit and gave them each 3 days to have it before they had to pass it along to the other one.