Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer had a very dirty nose!!!

So all this bitching and moaning made me forgot..My baby had his first school performance! And while it was short I loved each moment that my almost 5 year old stood there singing his heart away! And for a short moment Bailey and I stood arm to arm and we were a family again. We beamed as our son, our first really great thing, our heart and soul wore a Santa hat and walked back and forth on a makeshift stage.

Last Friday night Graysen's school has their "Gingerbread House Night". We decorated (and may I add had the best) Gingerbread house and then Graysen along with his class sang Must Be Santa and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Each kid wore a green santa sweatshirt they had made and had a differetn part for the must be santa song. I am not sure what Graysen's part was cause he wore a Santa's hat and walked back and forth smiling behing all the kids. He was the star of the show!!! :)

Please just rip my heart out!

Last night I was walking through Mervyn's and they had all this Christmas decor out, and it was too much for me.....It made me remember our first Christmas together and how we picked out ornaments, and how we were. Before Graysen and Maddox-we had only been married 6-7 months. That's hard....There I stood like an idiot with tears pouring down my eyes just a mess. I just want this pain..this heartache...everything to go away. I miss my old life- a life where I went to bed next to the man I loved...When 5 o'clock I knew who was coming home...This lonely empty feeling is the worse heeling in the world..

I know that I should change my profiles everyone to erased how much I cared and how much I loved him. But I don't want too....AS stupid as this is-he changed our relationship status on facebook and it hurt...I don't to be complicated with anyone I want to be married.

We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together and know that is all up in the air....That hurts. FUCK EVERYTHING HURTS!