I'm so loney I could die......

Tonight is really the first time in seven years that I have been without Bailey. It is the first night at his new place. There is an overwhelming grief inside me. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me he is sorry and that he needs me...wants me. Needs and wants everything that we have built together. That he is sorry and wants to make everything work. And then there is this part of me that wants him to be alone in an apartment surround by his mother's things and being miserable. Hurting more then I am hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a master plan to this life that I waddle through but it is hard when you don't have a map showing you which way to go.

That's all I have to say about that.

Bailey has found a place to live and he is moving out. We are getting separated....

Harriet Lerner and Elisabeth Kuber-Ross

"YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL HAVE A DIFFERENT LIFE."

"I'm not okay, you're not okay, and that's okay."

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain

Pain has entered my life like a thief in the night...Opening the drawers of my heart and dumping them to the ground. Taking my memories-the good, the bad, and stomping them to pieces. It hurts to breath, it hurts to hold air in my lungs. It hurts to lay in bed and it hurts to join the world. It hurts to eat but yet it hurts to have my stomach growl. I feel alone in a room full of people and yes that hurts.

Bravier then I

I just watched a documentary called Section 60. Section 60 is the area of Arlington National Cemetery where solider's from Iraq and Afghanistan are buried. It was gut wrenching. The rows and rows of YOUNG men and women that are laying in the ground there makes me sick and makes me want to scream..How unfair this war is and how many people are suffering and will suffer. How long will it go on for and how many section 60's will there be?

These families have built a community there in that acre of land. They know each other by name and meet each other with a hug. Bring coffee and flowers for each other. They have bonded with each other in such an amazing way..Mothers, wives, sisters, children all carrying the burden of war.

I hope that when it is Bush's end of life he has to watch images of brother's sharing beers with their brother's graves on their birthdays. Mother's watering flowers that they brought from their garden's to their children. Wives listening to "their song" on their anniversary. Father's kissing the top's of graves. Children drawing pictures of their mommy's, children who will never even remember their mother's face. All while listening to that lonely ballad of the trumpet playing. Maybe then he will know what price this nation paid to bring democracy to the world.



God I pray for every son and daughter in Iraq and Afghanistan tonight. Keep them safe, protect them, and send them home alive to their loved ones.

One Zero Zero

Today I had this conversation with Graysen while we were in the car going to lunch. We had JUST pulled out of our driveway and hadn't even drove off our street.

G: Are we there yet?

Me: G how could we be there if we can still see our house? We will be there in 15 minutes.

G: We turned off Elm Street! Are we there yet?

Me: G we have to be in the car for 15 minutes....See the clock? Right now it says 12:45 when it says 1:00 then we will be there and you can ask if we are there and I will say "Yes we are!"

G: Ok ok ok One Zero Zero..One Zero Zero one Zero Zero. Mama when will the clock say One Zero Zero?

Should I sign him up for Clean House now?

Graysen is a collector! Right now we have 3 different collection going on (listed in order of gross factor):

CANDY WRAPPERS!
Anytime he finds a candy wrapper from anywhere he must pick it up, save it to bring home and put in his special box. I caught him going into the garbage at the park the other day to grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapper that had Batman on it! I swear everyone there thought that we were some homeless family. I saw one mom pity Maddox,who was staring at their pears, give him one.

POPSICLE STICKS!
For the last few months Graysen has been keeping each and every popsicle stick that he has eaten (at home at least) so that he can "count how many he eats his whole long life" Ok this one wouldn't be so bad if I didn't catch Maddox under the train table sucking the last bit of orange of some month old popsicle stick. These sticks are kept in the special box too.

MOVIE TICKETS!Ok so this one isn't so gross, strange, or even annoying other then it shows was shitty parents Bay and I are by what movies we have taken our 4 and 3 year old to. IRON MAN, TRANSFORMERS ETC. I did put my foot down on the Mitchell's Brothers All Day Movie Explosion though! :)Now the movie ticket thing wouldn't be so bad if Graysen didn't beg every family member for their movie tickets. Now we have envelopes full of old ripped half readable tickets! Also keep in his special box

Now to the special box. It is a corn dog flip top box that Graysen drew G's all over so that everyone in the world will know that it belongs to him and if it is ever lost they can look up G for Graysen and know to bring it back to him on Elm Street.

What Is A Boy?

He's an imp and an angel, a dreamer, a tease.

An explorer of meadows, and a climber of trees.

A runner of errands, and doer of chores.

Who tears his best trousers, and tracks up your floors.

He's a solemn young man with some mud on his feet, and a daredevil riding his bike down the street.

A bundle of questions, who wants to know "why" the world goes around and the stars fill the sky.

He's adventurous, timid, excited or quiet, there's nothing so new that he won't care to try it.

And just when your temper and patience wear thin, he'll look up at you with an innocent grin.

And your heart melts again your pride and joy.

That mischievous, wonderful treasure---your boy!!

A friend sent this to me today and when I was just about to google: Boarding School-Preschool! Five words: Graysen, Maddox, early morning, and fridge!

A place to hide

I am hiding in my room. Today was a blah day around here. I feel grumpy. I feel tired. I feel like I really want to have McDonald...And whatever I get I want LARGE sized. ha ha ha

So as I sit here Maddox is in his room playing and Graysen is eating a carrot in the dining room.

M: Graysen come here I NEED you!

G: No I am busy

M: Graysen come here I NEED you! I'm in big trouble

G: Ok I will come.

I am a bad mother even though Maddox was in "big trouble" I still sat here reading TMZ and finding out that Heidi Klum has a beef with J Lo. Luckily we have blob that will keep the boys busy until daddy comes home, and I have an unopened bottle of wine, a new book, and a hot bath to crawl into.

It is only days away before he wire taps me

We got this build-a-safe kit from Micheal's and we put it together today. It was really easy and lots of fun. This 20 minute project lead to hours of fun here at our house. Graysen and Maddox each had a section to screw together while I used all my muscles and held it tightly until it started to take shape of a box.

It has a lock door front and a top slit that you can easily slip "secret" papers into it. Since putting it together Graysen has gotten a spy kit together: The tools from the safe kit, the safe, his binoculars, a pad of paper, pencil, and his camera. How he knew to add these items to make a spy kit I have no idea?

While I was making lunch G and M were spy's. Taking notes and "pictures" of me making lunch and then locking up the info in the safe. I pretended to be extra sneaky so they would have something to spy on...I also did a silly dance so they could "photograph" it. They boys each worked out a sharing schedule so they could each have a turn putting their special secret stuff in the safe. Graysen gets it for 100 days and then Maddox gets it for 3 days.

I did finesse the schedule a bit and gave them each 3 days to have it before they had to pass it along to the other one.

Fantastic Friday!

"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised." (Micheal from The Office)

Why even at 30 years old are girls still always girls?

Friday's at Graysen's school are my day to work the classroom (Not to be confused with the 2 Wednesdays a month when I have yard duty from 1145 until 1). I was really worried about Maddox who has NEVER EVER stayed with anyone that he didn't know...I.E. Bailey, Corrina, and Lyndley. And then Graysen was ALWAYS with him. Ok so I was taken back to how he didn't care that I was leaving once he saw the huge fire truck toy they had. Graysen and I marched up the stairs to his classroom. I turned to my son for moral support as we both were going to weave through the politics of school-he left me! I had to to walk into the door alone as my son ran off to play Lego's with a group of other boys....I felt alone...like I was having one of those in front of the class naked dreams. I went to the Mom's Apron Station...Everything has a catchy little jingle and it's own station at Graysen's school.

Noooooo big deal JUST NEXT time I will have to set up my outfit around the BRIGHT RED apron with the HUGE station letter sprawled across my chest. I grab C and walk to my station. I am in charge of the entire Playhouse Station ....Each and every toy is located in this section. Each and every shoe, hat, and scarf of the dress ups. Each and every Lego, truck, and the inside jungle gyms. I try to lean up against the jungle gym trying to look cool. Like I do this all the time. And I know I have that weird nervous smile I get and if I did talk to anyone I would end each sentence with that annoying fake laugh I get. Just then I turn and I see a mom who did match her outfit to the apron walk into my playhouse area wearing the damn C apron! I do that smile and laugh thing trying to inch away to check the mom job station binder to see if I SOMEHOW made a horrible mistake!

Apron H The Outside Motor Development Station is where I am supposed to be! Nervous Laughter. I go outside to see that how "old moms" have stepped up to the plate and did my station set up. DAMNIT!

First thing is the Morning Circle Time and Groups.

My group went outside and played this ball catch game. Not bad..Had fun time. Little bummed that Graysen isn't in my group. But they do that on purpose. Snack time....Now I am feeling good from my groups and go back upstairs...You can totally see the old moms new moms. It is like the red sea. And in that moment I want all the old moms to like me and want to be my best friend..For their kids to love Graysen and be best friends....I had this deep down from the pit of my belly feeling that I HOPED they would all like me! I had to bitch slap myself and bring myself back to the real world!

School on the mom level is so far interesting...Graysen loves it. Maddox loves his babysitting set-up. Mommy's nervous how everything will go along...And Daddy he is happy that Graysen is so happy.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

I have this childhood idea of what my extended family was when I was a child..This may or not (some how) be some figment of my imagination. I am hoping that it is real cause when I think of it I am filled with this wonderful feeling of pure joy that I can only think is love.

I have this memory of my family: It is after Thanksgiving and we have eaten and the adults of my family are in the kitchen laughing, yelling, everyone talking at once, name that song game going on with a few different people it is just pure conversation at it's best. Everyone is there no one has gotten mad, moved or died.

My Uncle Dale sitting in the bar stool nearest to the phone. My Uncle Les next to him with my grandma in the third bar stool. My grandma is sitting her her arms crossed and wearing that grey sweatshirt jacket. My Aunt Mary leaning up against the end of the counter with my Uncle Greg kind of standing behind her. Laughing away and smiling. My Aunt Phyllis is standing on the opposite side of the counter facing everyone with a towel on her shoulder. She's calling everyone "Shril" "Mar" "Sande" "Beck" "Sha" in that perfectly cracked Aunt Phyllis voice. My Aunt Sandy on sitting at the table with her back slightly turned away from her sisters but Still sitting at the table with Kelly, Aunt Kathy, Geri, and myself calling us Dillas. While Amy stood up cause there wasn't enough seats.

The kids are playing in Devin's and Zac's room. Kids are always age order of 18 and under in my family. There back there playing the same games I played after Thanksgiving when I was a kid. Corrina May, Jessica, and Z-A-C are walking from room to room talking to each other in a whispered hush......

Everyone in that house was thinking the same thing..Man it's getting late and I have a 45 minute drive home but ONE MORE COKE AND WE'RE LEAVING!

No Shirts No Service!

Maddox doesn't like shirts....

Maddox doesn't like under ware....

Maddox doesn't like the top button of his jeans buttoned....

Maddox doesn't like to eat peanut butter and jelly together....

Maddox likes to have sharpie drawn tiger scribbles all over his body....

Maddox likes only pink kitty cat vitamins from Trader Joes....

Maddox likes to dance to Leona Lewis while wearing his skunk costume....

Maddox likes to kiss animals on their mouths cause "That's wear you kiss"

I didn't learn anything I learned EVERYTHING

Yesterday Graysen started his school! We enrolled him in a parent's co-op: Mon, Wed, and Fri for 3 hours int he morning. Fridays I am there with him slaving away in his classroom.
He was so excited when he woke up in the morning singing "I AM GOING TO SCHOOL". As we walked there Maddox ate a banana and Graysen carried his lunch, skipped, and told me everything he would be doing there. I nicely reminded him to hurry so we wouldn't be late.

As we walked to the school his teacher "Teacher Nancy" was ringing a massive old school bell and welcoming all the kids to their first day. We walked up the stairs and put his lunch in his cubbie and went over to the carpet to hear a song and have Teacher Nancy give us some reminders and then Mondays working parents went to their stations and the kids had free time....All other parents were asked to leave. I stood around chit chatting with some other mothers, meeting them and staring at my son who kissed and hugged me went off to start his day of playing and meeting new friends. I picked up Maddox and off we went downstairs..

Maddox started to scream as we reached the stroller crying "WE LEFT GRAYSEN!!! MY GRAYSEN MY GRAYSEN GO GET MY GRAYSEN MAMA GRAYSEN IS UP THERE GRAYSENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"

When it was time to get Graysen Maddox was happy and Graysen was happy to see us. We walked home where Graysen gave me a play by play of his day, friends, snacks, and told me he was so happy!

When Bailey came home Graysen informed him that "He didn't' learn anything. He learned everything!"

All that he can do and he is still human?!?!?!

My husband has this sick obsession with Mark Walberg, I still like to refer to him as Marky Mark and every time I do my great and wonderful husband reminds me that he doesn't like to be called Marky Mark anymore. :)

To me each and every MM movie is the same....Just a normal guy who can do one thing above all men and is a god but he is still just a normal guy! Last night we watched a movie that is one of my husband's favs (he won't admit it but before we started watching he told me what a great movie this one was) While watching MM movies we have a routine I laugh and mock everything about the movie and Bailey goes on in great detail how each and everything MM does IS humanly possible. We laugh, watch, and cuddle....These are some of my favorite times. Being with my husband enjoying something he enjoys. The simplicity of our life. Even laughing and mocking MM is one of my favorite things....

And while I will never tell my husband this I kind of like Mark Walberg too!

It's alive

So I have been away..Well not gone somewhere exotic or fun just gone from this spot. There were big changes over the summer....Some good some not so. Some so happy that I thought I was going to burst apart others so low I thought it all may end.



Bailey and I are great, we had some issues this past summer but we are working through them and things are better then ever... Sadly Bailey's mom suddenly passed away this summer and it was heartbreaking. I am so sad for my husband and children. My poor babies who aren't old enough to understand death (but then who IS?) but are old enough to understand we used to go over there and now we can't....Just thinking about them thinking baout her brings tears to my eyes.

Graysen is a semi reader and Maddox knows his M and everytime he sees it it just confirms his thought that EVERYONE LOVES MADDOX!

Glad to be back! Missed you all!!!

Birds and F words!

Big Exciting News here on Elm Street!

Today this little brown bird that was feeding on the bird feeder outside came flying in the house via the kitchen window! I was wiping away pee stains on the toilet when I heard tweeting and thought man that sounds loud! I came out of the bathroom to see this little bird sitting on the TV looking around.

Now in a not so proud moment I I yelled F**K which then made the boys come running to tell me that was a bad word. I shhhh them and show them the bird..Maddox screams BIRDIEEEEEEEEE and wants it to sit on his finger. I walk slowly towards the screen door hoping to open it. The bird sees me and flies straight towards me slamming into the window before I could open it. I jump back into the hall as the bird flys around the dining room slamming into the screen door. I open the front door and beg the bird to PLEASE FLY TOWARDS THE DOOR. Now the boys are jumping up and down screaming "towards the door Ms Bird." Graysen grabs his angel bear and show the bird how to flap his wings.....I bravely try to make my second attempt to open the screen door. The bird is hyper tweeting and you can tell that she is FREAKED OUT.

Just then another bird just like her comes flying and sits on the railing and is tweeting back at the bird stuck inside. I beg out loud to the outside bird that it doesn't come flying in! Then the most amazing thing happens the inside bird flys close to the screen window sees and hears the outside bird and is directed towards the kitchen window and back to freedom!!! The boys and I jump up and down screaming you made it you made you made it! Then both birds sit on the feeder and eating away.

"No, I am your Father!"

When I met Bailey he was NOT a huge Star Wars fan. Yeah, he had seen the movies and liked all the special effects but that was about how far his love for the movies went. Graysen LOVES Star Wars, he knows the characters, and has books, action figures, and he would watch all the movies in a row if we allowed it! So now Bailey is a fan. He will look up Star Wars facts to share with Graysen. He reads this DK book and has learned characters names and who, what, and where they appear in the movies. It is so cute to see them bond over something that in a normal situation Bailey wouldn't necessarily bond with someone over.

California Dreams

"Growing up in northern California has had a big influence on my love and respect for the outdoors. When I lived in Oakland, we would think nothing of driving to Half Moon Bay and Santa Cruz one day and then driving to the foothills of the Sierras the next day."
-Tom Hanks.

We had a day like this today!
Bailey was home from work and we woke up to the most beautiful, sunny, warm amazing day. At 8 AM the sun was shinning and birds were singing! We left the house at about 1030 AM and weren't home until after 5 PM. We drove down to Palo Alto had a yummy lunch and went to the Junior Museum and Zoo. Played and admired the Rats, Bobcats, and Bats. Maddox's personal favorite the one eyed owl who likes to sit on the floor of her habitat.

After the zoo we went to the park and laid in the glass. We rolled around and dog piled daddy. Graysen and Maddox ran around without shirts. It was like a summer day. We then drove the long way home stopped to show the boys the school were daddy went, were daddy worked when we first got married, daddy's old house, and even where we lived when Graysen was born. Of coarse the boys were asleep but we had fun seeing how the houses had changed and the new performing arts center at Bay's high school. Days like this remind me how wonderful it is to be alive!

Can't I have a dream?

I have a dream that I could come to the computer and sit for 5 minutes and look at anything I want without two little voices talking in my ear...One telling me something I OUGHT to know and the other agreeing.

I have a dream that I could lay in bed one whole day and watch cheesy reality TV.

I have a dream that I could do 20 minute errands IN 20 MINUTES!!!

At times like this I have to remind myself that I once had a dream to have a baby that loved me and I would give up everything that I ever knew to have....And hell I have two babies what a dream it is!