Ramblings from the rabbit hole

So before my official legal divorce I felt this unbearable need to talk, see, and be around Bailey. But since Jan 15 there isn't that need. I mean I miss him and I love him-LOTS. But there isn't a in love my tummy swarms when I see him.

I am angry at him. Angry that HE DID this. Angry that he can just go on while I have to do the day to day of our old life.

I think I am ready to date-I am scared.....How do I date again? How do I be a mother to my children and a lover to another man who is not their father? It is scary. I am scared to share my hopes and dreams with someone again. Last time I got burned. When do I introduce my children to a boyfriend? It is all such new territory!

I am not ready

To change my profiles.

All great things must come to an end

So today I came home and there it was...A legal size envelope with my handwriting the perfect letters the deep blue gel ink.....It came I looked at it like it was going to bite me. It was my offical legal binding divorce papers. One week to the date they came. I slid to the ground and held the letter. I knew what they said I have been listening to the judges voice all week in my head. Hearing her proclaim our life and with her pen making it legal. But still seeing that envelope it made it all real again. I sobbed openly, deeply, and primal. My children stood in the doorway watching me. Graysen came very quietly and sat next to me. Maddox stood before me and smiled. I opened it and called Bailey. He answered and I could only cry and he knew. He told me that he would go and check the mail and call me back.

I don't really miss him anymore but my soul still yearns for him. I still think of him daily and I still want to crawl into bed with him at night . So yeah maybe I do still miss him.

Mama when I am getting homework?

My first born son Graysen Avery has started the long road of education. He is in kindergarten! Monday was his first day. He rised and shined at the butt crack of dawn singing "I start school and you don't" and then pointing at Maddox who in turn would cry. We packed his snack and put on his back pack and walked to school. I teared up as we walked to school hand in hand and my brave five year old looked up at me and asked if I brought my camera. We got to room 4 and wiped away my tears. I tried to say hi to some other parents.

Then this sadness over took me not only was I turning over my first born child but I was standing alone. I wanted to cry, scream, and lay in my bed and watch the day pass me by but instead I watched my son hang up his belongings turn around hug me and walk over to the magic circle. Then I went on my own brave journey the PTA Back to School Coffee. I signed up for a couple of volunteer positions, drank my coffee and looked around. I felt like I was in high school. Parents grouped together talking and laughing about summer. Other moms and dads whispering to each other, and then there was me.

Ok while I know in my heart of hearts that I am NOT THE ONLY single parent at the school at the moment and time I felt that way. I never felt more alone...more afraid...more vulnerable. I wanted to be a pair. I wanted to turn around and see Bailey there. I wanted to hear his smart ass comment about how the PTA president is a man and wants to be called PTA Captain. I wanted to be a double digit not a single.

Rambles

Maddox turns 4 in a little less then a week! I can't believe it! I remember last year...I got to stop doing that. I have to stop thinking about this year and then remembering when my life was normal cause this is the new normal.

I hate this new normal. I miss my old normal. I hate that I miss Bailey still after all this time. I hate that hearing his voice still makes me long for him. Not long for him in some weird sexual way but as in I am home after a long day. As in the weather is hot and we are going to go and get ice cream way.

He and I have been trying to be friends and while that is best for our children it is hard to be friends with someone whom you love with all your heart and soul. Have I mentioned that I hate that I still love him.

I have a friend who said it took her 7 years to get over her 2 year marriage-I'm screwed........

Graysen and Maddox have been going to daycare, I take back the love I know when I hate him it is that hour after I drop that boys off and I am off to work...I hate him then! YES THAT IS PROGRESS!!!! They are liking it better but I hate it. I never wanted that type of life. Never say never huh?

I have a new favorite song and my favorite line from that song is...Next time you say forever I'll punch you in the face. That is my motto for today, tomorrow, and always!

Perfect Days

Monday was a perfect day. The weather was hot and I played hooky and went to the beach. It was a day that goes down in the record books! Everyone at the beach was laughing, smiling, throwing balls, and just being happy. As I walked the span on the beach I slowly turned and took in the ocean and the mountains. I had a silly smile on my face ear to ear. I felt inner peace. At the moment with the sun to my face and the ocean to my ear that my life was going to be ok. That even though life has been dark I am coming to the end of my tunnel and there is a bright sun beam shining on me. I am going to be ok. My kids are going to be ok. And even Bailey will be ok.

I breathe I live I am

Yes people I am alive. Life these past few months life has a bitch to say the least. I have had my ups and I have had my downs.....Let me be honest there have been quite a few downs. I have gone from crying and screaming to think about sleeping with my ex again to screaming and crying and needing to be held. But I am alive people and I will be updating ASAP! Thoughts for this moment LIFE WELL!

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer had a very dirty nose!!!

So all this bitching and moaning made me forgot..My baby had his first school performance! And while it was short I loved each moment that my almost 5 year old stood there singing his heart away! And for a short moment Bailey and I stood arm to arm and we were a family again. We beamed as our son, our first really great thing, our heart and soul wore a Santa hat and walked back and forth on a makeshift stage.

Last Friday night Graysen's school has their "Gingerbread House Night". We decorated (and may I add had the best) Gingerbread house and then Graysen along with his class sang Must Be Santa and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Each kid wore a green santa sweatshirt they had made and had a differetn part for the must be santa song. I am not sure what Graysen's part was cause he wore a Santa's hat and walked back and forth smiling behing all the kids. He was the star of the show!!! :)

Miracle on Elm Street

So something magical has happened some how $170.00 has been deposited into my checking account. I called the bank and all they can say about it is that it was a cash deposit today...I know it wasn't Bailey cause I HAD to give him 40 bucks cause he didn't have any money.

So however you are if you are reading this THANK YOU! You let us splurge on some garlic- chicken pesto pizza, and I am going to use it to pay for a storage unit! Yo see that 170. was like a dream come true! Thank you!

All My hopes and dreams

I always thought that I would have this picture perfect marriage and family. I thought that my childhood had been bad enough that I had put my "time in" and I was going to have all I wanted, hoped, and dreamed for as a child. I would be that 1950's housewife and we would have 2.5 children and a dog.





I thought what Bailey and I had built together was perfect minus the .5 and dog. I don't know where it all went wrong, I don't know what was so bad that I did.





I am so lonely without him. His side of the bed as lost his scent and that hurts. I have to be out of my house on the 23 of December, which is funny cause that is the day Bailey and I met. A day we always celebrated almost even more then we thought about your wedding anniversary. I am so scared I have no idea what is going to happen. What am I going to do with all my stuff? How am I going to pack it all in a few short days?

I am living my worst fear: Being Alone.....

Can you write yourself a check?

So before I rip myself a new one I want to give myself a small pat on the back! I have been doing very good on living on very little since Bailey left! The lights are on and we have full bellies but this week I made a HUGE mistake and I am paying that I don't bounce like a ball all throughout San Carlos! I have overspent.....And I have three checks out and I am praying that all three don't go in at the same moment in time! To make matter worse these are checks to Graysen's school! So everyone pray with me. PLEASE CHECKS DON'T GO IN THE BANK UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY WHEN THERE WILL BE MONEY IN THE BACK TO COVER EVERYTHING! I am so stupid I can't believe I did this!

I live a real life version of If you Give a Mouse a.....

Tonight the boys and I bundled up and went on a walk looking at Christmas lights, we have a 2 block stretch of houses that place lights on every free space of their houses. It is really pretty and fun to take the kids there... Plus I really enjoy brunt retinas Eye sight is so overrated!

I tried to compose myself as best as I could cause OF COARSE going there made me sad (can I mention for a moment that I am a tad bit sick of being so damn sad all the time and I am TRYING not too be...) and I would make this big deal about the wind and cold making my eyes water. :)

On our way back home we made a pit stop at Starbucks to get hot chocolate and something yummy. I am pushing Maddox in the stroller and Graysen is walking behind us; he tells me that he has to pee. Now it isn't a "Hey mom I have to use the bathroom" it is a " I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD OHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MAMA THE PEE IS GOING TO COME OUT AND I AM GOING TO FREEZEEEEEEE CAUSE MY PANTS WILL BE WET WITH PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Me: "Oh Graysen honey if you have to pee so bad let's walk on the sidewalk quickly and not didly dadly"

Graysen as he is climbing on the teeny tiny ledge to walk to the plank while trying not to spill his hot chocolate "Oh but Mama I love didly dadlying"

I had to stop and laugh it was funny....So we walked the plank which reminded Maddox that he likes to walk planks too so he had to climb out and hold onto his drink and walk only to then scream cause Graysen was first and he was first last time when they walked the plank. Which made Graysen stop so that Maddox could spiderman over him cause YES HE DID WALK THE PLANK FIRST LAST TIME which made Maddox bump into him cause he wasn't looking and spill his chocolate, which then reminded Graysen that he had to pee and was going to pee his pants.....The whole time this is going on I can see our house and I got the bright idea to tell the boys that if we got home in two minutes we could watch The Grinch movie. Which only led to a fight over who liked the Grinch more....We finally made it home dry pants and all!

Happy Holidays!

Deep Thoughts

It isn't like he has asked me to stop or anything BUT....Sometimes when I feel sad, or the over whelming feeling of missing Bailey overcomes me I text him these sad, semi pathetic, full of sobs texts.
I also NEED to stop calling him and having those same texts but in real conversation. Those we do dance back back and forth together. He cries, I cry. I make every declaration of my heart to him and he tells me he is hurting too. I know that he probably is but it is HARD to believe cause I feel like I am the one who was left and tossed to the side like garbage. I feel like I would never of done this to him. And I don't understand WHAT I DID. This whole separation/divorce thing has really brought up some family issues that I have been burying deep down inside. The feelings of anger and sadness from being left by both my parents. I feel like man I must suck as a person if everyone leaves me....They run away. Maybe it is me....

When husbands and wives separate do they really stop all communication? I mean this is stupid but does that deep down friendship have to end? Do we really choice sides? Is there a my team his team? Are we destined to be enemies? Cause I still want that friendship we had. I still want to call him and talk about the day. I still want to know how his dad is. And if his grandma is ok.
I still want daily contact. I still want him to come home.

Please just rip my heart out!

Last night I was walking through Mervyn's and they had all this Christmas decor out, and it was too much for me.....It made me remember our first Christmas together and how we picked out ornaments, and how we were. Before Graysen and Maddox-we had only been married 6-7 months. That's hard....There I stood like an idiot with tears pouring down my eyes just a mess. I just want this pain..this heartache...everything to go away. I miss my old life- a life where I went to bed next to the man I loved...When 5 o'clock I knew who was coming home...This lonely empty feeling is the worse heeling in the world..

I know that I should change my profiles everyone to erased how much I cared and how much I loved him. But I don't want too....AS stupid as this is-he changed our relationship status on facebook and it hurt...I don't to be complicated with anyone I want to be married.

We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together and know that is all up in the air....That hurts. FUCK EVERYTHING HURTS!

A ray of sun came out today

Today I was laying on my back watching a bird construct a best on the limb of a very small tree. The wind was blowing the branch but this little was determined to finish this nest. Several times while watching her she would fly away and come back. Right before I had to get up she came flying back with this shiny sparkly ribbon trailing behind her. Just as I was watching the sun peeked through the clouds and the rays poured down on the nest...It was a iridescent ribbon from a balloon. It was pink, purple, shiny and beautiful. This little bird had this ribbon weaved in and out of her nest...So simple so beautiful and something about that nest really touched me inside! It made me remember that there is beauty all around us and we only need to stop and look.

The sun just set

Every night Maddox breaks my heart over and over again. Every night as I am making dinner and the sun is setting he comes running into the kitchen to inform me that the sun is going away and daddy needs to hurry home. I then have to remind him that Daddy doesn't come to this house when the sun goes down anymore and then he laughs and says that's right silly me. I dread this conversation but it happens every night.

Grasyen has declared that he doesn't like daddy's new house and he only wants to live here at his old house. When I talked to him about daddy's house and how he would have to talk to daddy about that. Graysen shook his head and said NO MAMA YOU HAVE TO YOUR THE GROWN UP!

One Tequilla Two Tequilla FLOOR!

Saturday night was my first night alone....Bailey had the boys at his new place so Lyndley my trusty sidekick came down and we went out to eat and then had a good old fashion bar hopping' party. All night long she was buying me drinks...I can't even remember how many I had. But I do remember thinking that I could see better with one eye instead of two.....

At the need of the night I went home alone and Lyndley got on the train to go back to the city and that is where the night went down hill.. Me ALONE DRUNK and a PHONE!I was crying on the phone to my friend Nina about how I NEEDED a Sourdough Jack but it was too far to walk too and she had to convince me to NOT get in a cab and get one. And then I called Mr Bailey! God Why?!?!?! From what I can remember is that I was just crying and saying PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.....Then he would tell me to hang up and call him back when I wasn't so upset and I would hang up and then call back right away still as upset and just crying.I am pissed at myself for 1. Getting so shit faced 2. Celling him and 3. Not getting a sourdough jack those are yummy when you are drunk!

America the Proud..America the Brave

I can't type through these tears

Maybe my need to be loved was too much and it really destroyed what I had. Maybe I needed too much and that that need ruined everything.......My heart is breaking and I can barely hold on but I have these two little boys that don't understand what is going on and I can't lay around and cry, mope, and whine cause it isn't fair to them. They didn't ask for this
(FUCK NEITHER DID I)

I really can't do this.....I feel so alone and I am so scared to be alone. All I wanted to be was a mother and a wife and I failed....The hardest time is at night when I am alone here in the house and there isn't anyone to talk too. I just walk from room to room looking for what I lost.

I'm so loney I could die......

Tonight is really the first time in seven years that I have been without Bailey. It is the first night at his new place. There is an overwhelming grief inside me. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me he is sorry and that he needs me...wants me. Needs and wants everything that we have built together. That he is sorry and wants to make everything work. And then there is this part of me that wants him to be alone in an apartment surround by his mother's things and being miserable. Hurting more then I am hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a master plan to this life that I waddle through but it is hard when you don't have a map showing you which way to go.