Let the memory live again

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! Today we started our day off with yummy homemade strawberry shakes (made with soy of coarse since Maddox can't have dairy!) The boys watched a Valentines's DVD that we got from the library. Then we made a tent! A good ol' fashion one made from a sheet. :) It made me think about when I was a kid and Corrina and I would take two chairs and a sheet. Drape it over and play inside. We would always try to think of ways to prevent the tent from falling in. And it would end of frustrating us as it would either fall on us or a side would slip off and we would have a half of a tent. The boys loved it. Maddox didn't get that you couldn't stand on top of it and he broke it several times. But he learned that it was so much fun playing inside and pretending we were bears and it was our cave! ROAR!!!!!

As a family we have been talking a lot about the upcoming election. Graysen has really gotten into a mild watered down US History. It has been fun to talk about history with him. It is a personal favorite of mine! He really likes learning about the presidents and he has decided that he is going to be "President Forever" I haven't had the heart to tell him that is a dictator.

Today we went to vote for our state's primary when we got to the polling place Graysen proudly tells everyone and anyone (repeatedly) who will listen that: George Washington was the first president and he is dead. Each time he said dead he said it in a funnier, deeper, gruffer, more monstrous voice. Which made people stop and stare at us. Some laughed and some gave that gasp look which means they are totally appalled. I don't' know why people have such a hard time hearing children talk about death. I was proud-Washington was the first president and he is dead....Now if I can just get Maddox to say George Bush is a Warlord. ;)

Never a dull moment

This morning Maddox cut his thumb after 20 minutes, 3 band aids, and both Bay and myself applying pressure it finally stopped bleeding. During this time Maddox WAS NOT a happy camper! Graysen was trying his best to be a great helper: talking to Maddox, rubbing his back, and running back and forth getting more toilet paper. All seemed fine and well-flash forward to 945 pm tonight when his finger starts gushing out blood, him screaming and shaking. I call Bailey (who is STILL working nights) tell him that I am going to take Maddox to the ER at Sequoia Hospital and that I would call him once I got there. Graysen gets into Big Brother mode; gets his jacket and shoes and then tells Maddox is this super calm voice "We are going to the ER and they are going to make you better! OK?" (Graysen's only experience with the ER is when he had CP) Maddox totally listens to Graysen stops crying and they both look at me. I rinse Maddox's thumb looking at the cut. It's not deep enough for stitches-what would the ER do besides send me a huge bill? I call bay back and tell him we are not going to the ER-Poor guy!

Long story short-We re-band aid it and now the boys are watching a magic school bus movie and munching on popcorn.

Poor Maddy!

Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A. Today was a good day!

Yesterday I had the best day with the boys! We got up at 8 AM to the smell of freshly brewed coffee! I finally pre-programed my maker. It is a dream to wake up t hot yummy coffee. We made breakfast together, ate, and cleaned up. We were whistling while we were working. :) After breakfast we read a gorilla book, talked about how we can save gorillas they are "critically endangered" . We looked up online about how to adopt one and we signed up. We will be getting our information packet in a few weeks. Graysen is really excited and already has asked SEVERAL times when his gorilla pictures was coming!!!! Cut and pasted a gorilla picture and letters. Drew our own gorillas. After all that we talked about how to spell G-O-R-I-L-L-A and how that starts with G and how Graysen starts with G. Graysen practiced writing G's. He was doing such a good job and was having such a good time writing. It is so cool to see how Graysen knows that there are letters and those letters make up words and you can read words. I love seeing the wheels in his mind turning!

That's MY boy!

Today we were at the park meeting some friends (smiles and waves!!!) and Maddox is running around being his normal chipper self stops in mid run laughs to himself then sticks his butt out and screams " I bummy you" to whom you ask? The entire park!!! He then spanks his own butt. Then Graysen laughs and yells "My brother is bumming you!" I look around and see 5 moms look at Maddox and break into laughter...I laugh back and say That's my boy!

You know your next in line for rehab when....

You are banging on the side of your coffee pot begging it to brew faster! Enough said about today and it is only 10:26 AM!

Yeah I am going there.....

Tonight I turned on the TV tonight and I got the last few minutes of some tabloid show and of coarse they were talking about Britney Spears......It is her and some guy walking into some Deli in LA and she is walking behind this guy and following him through out the deli like a lost little girl. At one point there is a mother and a daughter in front of them and for a split second Britney stares at this mother-daughter hugging and talking and just looks and gives this smile but it isn't a happy smile it is a sad smile....For that split second it is heart breaking to me...Is she thinking about her own lost mother daughter embraces cause she was the one responsible for feeding her family? Or was she thinking about her own little babies and how she is in some deli with some guy with 50 lights flashing at her all wanting her to be crazy so they can sell some picture.... Everyday you hear Joe Bob and Sally Sue make comments about how she is throwing her life away and it will end in a tragedy-Fire and Brimstone! It makes me sad...Sad for someone who I don't even know and who I will never know. But we are both woman..both mothers to two little boys... both in our twenties....Makes me want to pray for her as lame as that it.

Welcome to the Jungle....Baby!

This morning I took the boys to this indoor jumpy castle place for the morning jump and there was this woman there with her son......UGH! She was one of those women who do not see any flaws in her child and go about her agenda no matter if the roof is falling in. Her son was torturing all the other children as he hit,bit, pushed down, and ran around kicking. Every few minutes she would call him over to her and offer him Hawaiian Punch. I wanted to scream before she came over to me! Then as I was standing there enjoying my children I saw her out of the corner of my eye. It started off with Your daughter is so cute. I explained that she was a he..Then it was are their twins? No, there are 18 months apart.....Then the question Ohh is he in school? Pointing to Graysen. No he isn't in school. Then the gasp about how she has had her son in a academic preschool for 3 years now and he is going to be starting in a kindergarten prepareness class this spring but she is worried because it is a 5 day a week thing and blah blah blah she wouldn't want him to have to repeat it. I looked over to her son who was pulling on another kid while that kid was screaming....but hell at least he has been in a academic preschool!

Speaking of birthdays

Graysen is having a party later this month...And he is already telling me how the entire day is going to go, who will be here, what he is getting as gifts, and about the cake!

He has picked a Tranformer theme party...He has already asked me about a million times if today is his party (he has only been four since Tuesday). It is so funny to see him so excited.

We were first planning his party at this local kid gymnastic place but he told me that he wanted to have his friends over his house and have a jumpy castle so he can "jump jump jump all day"! So I lost my deposit (which I had on the place since October..I know but the OCD in me got the better of me!) Now I am having about 30 people here are my house. Fun Fun Fun!

Even when I am a grown up!

Today Graysen and I were sitting on the couch before bed and he told me that he wanted to cuddle with me so I grabbed him and we had a cuddle moment. Graysen looked up at me and said "even when he is a grown up he is going to cuddle with me every day-forever". The look in his eye was beautiful his little eyes were sparkling and he had this smile that spread across his face. I told him that I will always cuddle with him no matter if he is an old man with a wife and kids; anytime he needs it I will be there. His answer was: OK good! (With a firm head shake)

Moments like this I wish I could bottle to save for later....It goes by too fast. Four years have already gone by and I can't remember everything...In another four will I remember this conversation?

Happy New Years!

I can't believe that 2007 is over and 2008 has begun. Last night we went to my cousin's house and partied until 7 minutes after midnight and then took the boys home. I had had 8 beers that night and was begging Bay to go to Jack in a box..I felt like Will Ferrall in Old School "You think KFC is still open?" When we got home we watch Waitress and I fell in love with it. It was a very good New Years Eve! And I am happy to state that my children were up until 1230 and slept in until 11! And I woke up without a hangover...Which only can mean one thing drinking should be more of a regular thing for me. Since it is in my genes anywhooo.. LOL

So with a new year here I am going to (just like everyone else on the planet) going to be a new me. I am going to try to have more of a schedule and hopefully with that new schedule I will be more organized. I am craving these things and I hope that I can achieve them. WISH ME LUCK!

I also want to be a better mother...Not that I don't think I am a good mother just I want to be better...to not yell...to not lose my mind at the small things. TO be grateful that I have beautiful happy children who adore me. And not in any order to be the best wife that I know I can be. To give more of myself even when I feel like I am empty. Cause there shouldn't be a reason that I feel empty when I have so much to fill me. To remember that out of all the men in the world that I could be with I choose him and I should happy that we are here on this boat together even if at times it feels like we are sinking....

Best wishes to you in 2008! I hope that it brings you joy and happiness but above all of this I wish you love.....and I will always love youuuuuuuuuuu (reaching a sound only dogs can hear and I can hear them in a distant howling!) Thank you Miss Whitney!

Happy Winter!

Baby It's Cold Outside!

In celebration to the coming winter and the longest night of the year we made a beautiful wreath from twigs, leaves, and grass that we collected from a local park close to our house. We made a yummy sun cake that was decorated with yellow and orange M&MS. I think the decorating was the boys favorite part! By the end of the night Maddox had a permanent yellow ring around his mouth. Before we ate it we each rang a bell and told each other our favorite part of winter:

Mine-The darkness and pitch dark of the night. Seeing your breath and wearing scarfs.

Bailey-People needing heat and him being busy with work.

Graysen-Jumping in puddles.

Maddox-Splashing Graysen and eating cake.

Then we ended our night by setting up our tree. It was a perfect way to celebrate winter.

Am I hanging up my coat?

I had a dream the other night that made me lay in bed thinking for hours afterward. I think I am done having children. I think the mama part of my heart of filled to the brim and can't grow anymore. I love the children I have now. And when I look to the future it is very hard to see other children packed into this family. I love the group of four that we are...I love being the only girl surrounded by these beasts I call my family. Who knows..It may of been the laughing gas talking but the more I think (and believe me I have been doing nothing BUT thinking about it!) the more I like the knowing and understanding my body and I have....

I even love the way it sounds DeeeSemBurrr!

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

December..December..December. This is always a strange month for me. It is a month that brings many people sorrow and it should me. There is something magical about this time that makes me feel more alive then any other month. Like I am filled with excitement, joy, happiness. I love each and everyday of December. It should be a sad month for me...The Holidays-the missing of my grandma and mother. Not only do I have the death of my mother but a few days later is her birthday. But I have wonderful memories when I first met Bailey, the end of my pregnancy with Graysen and being this wanna-be Martha Stewart all fat, grumpy, hungry and very pregnant. Going back further in life, I have wonder memories of an old flame, actually it seems that in December all relationships that I have had really start in December-funny! December is a good month

Graysen and Sara

Graysen has made his first friend that I had no part in helping him make ( by either my friends children or playgroups). We met her at the park a few weeks ago and they played the entire day together! So we now have an on going date with her each Wednesday. It is funny; she is this wild outgoing little bug of a girl. He runs around the park like she owns the place dictating other children to play what she wants. This one boys was wearing a baseball hat and she goes up to him and says "I'm wearing this now" and placed it on her head! She turns four on the first on January, Graysen turns four on the eighth They play everything from slides to this funny version of pretend house. Which is a crack up. Even Maddox likes her- I think it was cause taught him how to semi climb a tree. :)

I love that he is finding his own place in this world!

It's my birthday and I cry if I want too!

Yesterday was the day I was born. 10/10...It always seems so special cause it is backwards and forwards the same. My birthday it is always this weird,strange,bittersweet time for me. I always get gloom in eye and heart feels heavy. I try my hardest to not get this way but it overcomes me. People always want to celebrate but I would rather spend it in a hotel room alone laying in bed and reading some novel of despair. That is what I somewhat did I took a burning hot bath, so hot that you think your insides might by cooking, and read Celebrity Detox. My children and husband were sleeping and I crept through the house afterwards looking around and thinking "WOW I'm 27! 27 years ago my mother gave birth to me....All of her hopes and dreams gone.'' I was once told that my mother's craziness really started after I was born. Maybe it is guilt I feel on my birthday-guilt of ending someones life. Hmmm. I should talk to my therapist about that. Maybe he will confirm the thoughts that I am crazy?!?! ;0)

Put on your party bumps!

Today we had several chicken pox parties. I had some people over that I knew from my AP mom's group but then I invited over moms I never met-from like minded boards though. Which is so strange for me cause I am private in such a weird way. To open my home and my children's disease..LOL

Tonight at dinner Bay and I were talking about it and how weird it was to say come on over here I am play with us, share a straw with us, rub up against us. Hmmmm...I didn't second guess myself in the moment but now I am- I don't know why...

Anyway-I am reading this book, Kids Are Worth It! And IF I don't go further then the first chapter it was worth it. I learned do much from it. I have pages of notes, Bay and I read it out loud and AGREED on what she was saying. Which is saying much cause he HATES parenting books and finds most of them to be BS.

When I read these types of books it makes me WISH I had a mom to go to and shoot off parenting ideas, my dad and Alisha don't count. My dad can't even tie his shoes. I wouldn't take his advice on what tee shirt to wear let alone how to raise my kids. And Alisha-NO COMMENT! I try to think how would of my mom or grandma handled this and while I wasn't raised in an AP manner, I was loved by my grandma if nothing else, and she always handled everything with love. That is my goal- LOVE and (thank you Barbara Coloroso) Dignity! :)
http://www.kidsareworthit.com/

Little Red Hen!

Graysen has chicken poxs and any day now Maddox will pop!

I don't know where we got them or from who but we do!

Yesterday we were at Twin Pines and Graysen came up to me and told me his back itched. I scratched his back and then a few minutes later he came back to me crying about his back itching. I take off his shirt and from neck to butt there was what I thought were hives. We left and took an oatmeal bath. Woke up today and the hives were still there. Slowly throughout the day they started to creep all over his body. We go to the Drs and they say CHICKEN POXS!

I am happy, I knew we were going to get them sooner or later...I am just not looking forward to Drama King-Maddox being knee deep in spots!

This is You Life

When I was little I used to play a lot of pretend. One of my favorite pretend games that I would get lost into was: I would pretend that I was an alien on a mission to this planet to learn about humans. I could talk to my planet through this telephone located on the scar on my right wrist. I would play this for hours, watching people and being lost in my own mind. I was comforted by the thought that I was an alien and had this alien family waiting for me back home.

The infamous scar!

When I was about 6 years old I was being "baby-sat" by some woman that my father was dating. I cried about being starving so she made me some pasta but because she was an alcoholic drug user or more likely both; her sink was beyond dirty as was her house. And as any responsible adult would do she asked me to hold the colander while she poured the hot water in to drain the pasta. The steam bothered her and the pot slipped out of her hands landing all over my hands, arms and splattered on my face. Then she freaked out and put my arms under the water, which did nothing but intensify the burn process. Hours later when my grandma came to pick me up she saw my wrists, which were burned....welted...and raw. You could se my insides from my outside! My grandma took me to the ER where I had to stay the night and have semi skin graph.

The skin on the under part of my wrist is thin and you can see and feel every vein. The sides and the top are speckled and the speckled part is this perfect band across my wrist.

As I have gotten older it is harder to tell it is there, which makes me sad cause I love that piece of me. I find it beautiful and reminds me of my childhood perfectly. Fragile-Damaged-Special-Unique. Everything that I am.

Look MOM!!

It is amazing how your children grow right before your eyes. How they start off as this little baby who can't do anything without you. They need you for everything. I thought that that concept would scare me but I relish in it. I am grateful for it. I am amazed how as you feed, love, and guide them they turn into their own people. With their own thoughts and feelings. Likes and Dislikes but yet they are at times a "mini you". LOL Being able to spend all of my time with my children has been such a blessing to me. Thanks Bailey for all your hard work and allowing me to be able to be a SAHM.

Graysen is really starting to become an artist. He is starting to draw people with eyes and legs! They are so cute. The other night I was sitting on the couch with Maddox and Graysen and Bailey were coloring; Graysen brought me his picture. It was a large circle with two circle's inside, 2 lines coming off the big circle and then another set of little circles on the lines. Behind that drawing was a smaller circle and lines coming off of it. I asked him what he picture was and he told me that the big circle was me and pointed to my "glasses" and he even drew my Meme's (they were the circles on the lines, and the lines were arms and legs. The little drawing behind "me" was Maddox who was sitting on my lap. I placed this drawing inside his baby book and I am going to keep it forever!