Ramblings from the rabbit hole

So before my official legal divorce I felt this unbearable need to talk, see, and be around Bailey. But since Jan 15 there isn't that need. I mean I miss him and I love him-LOTS. But there isn't a in love my tummy swarms when I see him.

I am angry at him. Angry that HE DID this. Angry that he can just go on while I have to do the day to day of our old life.

I think I am ready to date-I am scared.....How do I date again? How do I be a mother to my children and a lover to another man who is not their father? It is scary. I am scared to share my hopes and dreams with someone again. Last time I got burned. When do I introduce my children to a boyfriend? It is all such new territory!

I am not ready

To change my profiles.

All great things must come to an end

So today I came home and there it was...A legal size envelope with my handwriting the perfect letters the deep blue gel ink.....It came I looked at it like it was going to bite me. It was my offical legal binding divorce papers. One week to the date they came. I slid to the ground and held the letter. I knew what they said I have been listening to the judges voice all week in my head. Hearing her proclaim our life and with her pen making it legal. But still seeing that envelope it made it all real again. I sobbed openly, deeply, and primal. My children stood in the doorway watching me. Graysen came very quietly and sat next to me. Maddox stood before me and smiled. I opened it and called Bailey. He answered and I could only cry and he knew. He told me that he would go and check the mail and call me back.

I don't really miss him anymore but my soul still yearns for him. I still think of him daily and I still want to crawl into bed with him at night . So yeah maybe I do still miss him.

Mama when I am getting homework?

My first born son Graysen Avery has started the long road of education. He is in kindergarten! Monday was his first day. He rised and shined at the butt crack of dawn singing "I start school and you don't" and then pointing at Maddox who in turn would cry. We packed his snack and put on his back pack and walked to school. I teared up as we walked to school hand in hand and my brave five year old looked up at me and asked if I brought my camera. We got to room 4 and wiped away my tears. I tried to say hi to some other parents.

Then this sadness over took me not only was I turning over my first born child but I was standing alone. I wanted to cry, scream, and lay in my bed and watch the day pass me by but instead I watched my son hang up his belongings turn around hug me and walk over to the magic circle. Then I went on my own brave journey the PTA Back to School Coffee. I signed up for a couple of volunteer positions, drank my coffee and looked around. I felt like I was in high school. Parents grouped together talking and laughing about summer. Other moms and dads whispering to each other, and then there was me.

Ok while I know in my heart of hearts that I am NOT THE ONLY single parent at the school at the moment and time I felt that way. I never felt more alone...more afraid...more vulnerable. I wanted to be a pair. I wanted to turn around and see Bailey there. I wanted to hear his smart ass comment about how the PTA president is a man and wants to be called PTA Captain. I wanted to be a double digit not a single.

Rambles

Maddox turns 4 in a little less then a week! I can't believe it! I remember last year...I got to stop doing that. I have to stop thinking about this year and then remembering when my life was normal cause this is the new normal.

I hate this new normal. I miss my old normal. I hate that I miss Bailey still after all this time. I hate that hearing his voice still makes me long for him. Not long for him in some weird sexual way but as in I am home after a long day. As in the weather is hot and we are going to go and get ice cream way.

He and I have been trying to be friends and while that is best for our children it is hard to be friends with someone whom you love with all your heart and soul. Have I mentioned that I hate that I still love him.

I have a friend who said it took her 7 years to get over her 2 year marriage-I'm screwed........

Graysen and Maddox have been going to daycare, I take back the love I know when I hate him it is that hour after I drop that boys off and I am off to work...I hate him then! YES THAT IS PROGRESS!!!! They are liking it better but I hate it. I never wanted that type of life. Never say never huh?

I have a new favorite song and my favorite line from that song is...Next time you say forever I'll punch you in the face. That is my motto for today, tomorrow, and always!

Perfect Days

Monday was a perfect day. The weather was hot and I played hooky and went to the beach. It was a day that goes down in the record books! Everyone at the beach was laughing, smiling, throwing balls, and just being happy. As I walked the span on the beach I slowly turned and took in the ocean and the mountains. I had a silly smile on my face ear to ear. I felt inner peace. At the moment with the sun to my face and the ocean to my ear that my life was going to be ok. That even though life has been dark I am coming to the end of my tunnel and there is a bright sun beam shining on me. I am going to be ok. My kids are going to be ok. And even Bailey will be ok.

I breathe I live I am

Yes people I am alive. Life these past few months life has a bitch to say the least. I have had my ups and I have had my downs.....Let me be honest there have been quite a few downs. I have gone from crying and screaming to think about sleeping with my ex again to screaming and crying and needing to be held. But I am alive people and I will be updating ASAP! Thoughts for this moment LIFE WELL!

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer had a very dirty nose!!!

So all this bitching and moaning made me forgot..My baby had his first school performance! And while it was short I loved each moment that my almost 5 year old stood there singing his heart away! And for a short moment Bailey and I stood arm to arm and we were a family again. We beamed as our son, our first really great thing, our heart and soul wore a Santa hat and walked back and forth on a makeshift stage.

Last Friday night Graysen's school has their "Gingerbread House Night". We decorated (and may I add had the best) Gingerbread house and then Graysen along with his class sang Must Be Santa and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Each kid wore a green santa sweatshirt they had made and had a differetn part for the must be santa song. I am not sure what Graysen's part was cause he wore a Santa's hat and walked back and forth smiling behing all the kids. He was the star of the show!!! :)

Miracle on Elm Street

So something magical has happened some how $170.00 has been deposited into my checking account. I called the bank and all they can say about it is that it was a cash deposit today...I know it wasn't Bailey cause I HAD to give him 40 bucks cause he didn't have any money.

So however you are if you are reading this THANK YOU! You let us splurge on some garlic- chicken pesto pizza, and I am going to use it to pay for a storage unit! Yo see that 170. was like a dream come true! Thank you!