Look MOM!!

It is amazing how your children grow right before your eyes. How they start off as this little baby who can't do anything without you. They need you for everything. I thought that that concept would scare me but I relish in it. I am grateful for it. I am amazed how as you feed, love, and guide them they turn into their own people. With their own thoughts and feelings. Likes and Dislikes but yet they are at times a "mini you". LOL Being able to spend all of my time with my children has been such a blessing to me. Thanks Bailey for all your hard work and allowing me to be able to be a SAHM.

Graysen is really starting to become an artist. He is starting to draw people with eyes and legs! They are so cute. The other night I was sitting on the couch with Maddox and Graysen and Bailey were coloring; Graysen brought me his picture. It was a large circle with two circle's inside, 2 lines coming off the big circle and then another set of little circles on the lines. Behind that drawing was a smaller circle and lines coming off of it. I asked him what he picture was and he told me that the big circle was me and pointed to my "glasses" and he even drew my Meme's (they were the circles on the lines, and the lines were arms and legs. The little drawing behind "me" was Maddox who was sitting on my lap. I placed this drawing inside his baby book and I am going to keep it forever!

Be kind to your teeth and they will be kind to you!

A few months ago Bailey chipped a side back tooth and of coarse did nothing about it. He went to the dentist a few weeks ago and she said that he would need a root canal. Of coarse he did nothing. So Saturday morning he woke up with his face 2 times the normal size and our dentist is closed on the weekend. His face seemed to go up and down in size, I was pretty worried and wanted him to go to the ER. Monday we went in to the dentists and they drained it, said it was a tooth abscess, and that he need to be on antibiotics. The following Monday he had the appointment for the root canal. It seemed to get a little better but then Tuesday night the left side of his face was 5 times the normal size and his eye was closing shut. He looked like the hunchback of Norte Dame! LOL! Straight to the ER where they gave him a heavy does of an antibiotic and pain reliever shot. Tuesday morning back into the office where he had to be seen by a dental surgeon and have the tooth removed by the root! Now he is the toothless wonder.

This picture is after the draining and before the real swelling!

Graysen went to HIS Graceland!

This weekend we went away for the semi weekend. The we was: Graysen, Maddox, Marissa (I have known this woman for 10 years give or take, and she is 18 years older then me but we have a real friendship. She was there for me as a teenager when I just needed a friend to listen to me and now as a wife and mother when I just need someone to listen to me. She was my church youth group leader at one time, but we have always had a special friendship. She got married later in life, had her first and only child 4 years ago. ) Bella, and myself.

We went and stayed at the Marriot in Santa Clara; Thursday through today. On Friday we drove to Santa Cruz and went to the Day with Thomas the Train at Roaring Camp. We had the BEST time! They had different stations where you could get face painting, Thomas tattoos, bounce house, hay maze, story time, a meet and greet with Sir Topham himself! Graysen thought he was creepy and wouldn't go near him but Maddox ran to him with open arms hugging and kissing! But the crown jewel of the day was a real train ride driven by Thomas! We sat in Annie and Claribel while Thomas drove us on a 30 minute ride through the Santa Cruz forest.

After the ride the kids got to have their picture and got up close to Thomas. Graysen cried not cause he was scared but cause he was so excited. He needed to spend an extra moment with him and told him he loved him and touched the train. I wanted to cry to see my little one so happy. That smile on his face will be burned into my memory.

It was a really fun weekend in general. Stayed in a hotel....Ordered room service.....swam in the pool...saw Thomas...and went to Great America! I am tired! My boys are exhausted! I am glad to be HOME..But it was a great time!!!!!!

It will always be a bittersweet time of year

Wow! It has been two years since my grandma passed away. I will always be able to count the days as I add another year on to my son's age. That hurts. It seems wrong. It's not fair. I try not to think about the fact that two weeks to the day Maddox was born she was gone.
There are times when it feels like she is still alive and I can pick up the phone to call her. There have been a few times when I have dialed that old familiar phone number and still after two years no one has it. There are times when the emptiness and pain of knowing she is gone is as raw and fresh as the day she died. And there is a guilt as I go on with my life where I don't think about her and it is like I never knew her at all. It is hard to think that I have the rest of my life without her. Or that Graysen and Maddox will never know her love for them. Will never hear her voice and passion as she prays for them or the soft shyness of her singing. Will never hear her potty mouth that made you laugh. Or will never play a April Fool's joke on her just to scare her. Or will never argue with her. Those are the same things that I will never get to do too.
It is true now that she is gone there isn't anyone who loves me enough cause she loved me more then anyone. I am grateful that I knew that love. That I was shown that love and I can love others with that same intensity no matter what they do, who they are, where there from.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport

Not really that is a quote from Henry Youngman.

I had 5 wonderful years without ever having to deal with a mother in law and now I have to deal with her all the time! I thought when we let her back into our lives that it would be baby steps not seeing her every weekend! Well, I lie I don't have to see her every weekend BUT every Sunday that I work Bailey and the boys have breakfast with her and then go to the park. I do want my boys to have a relationship with her cause I loved my grandma and have many happy and cherished memories of her and the relationship we had. BUT my mother in law is not my sweet,loving, kind grandma she is a passive aggressive evil witch who wants to take my ruby slippers and lock me in a tower!

It all really started Thursday when she called to tell me that Bailey asked her out to dinner and that she wasn't feeling good but wanted to take us out to dinner tomorrow "even though I would be there" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Even though I would be there...

Then this weekend Bailey's dad made a surprise trip down here and wanted us all to go out to dinner last night. WHICH WAS WEIRD cause Bay's dad and I had a failing out after I go upset with him for only seeing Graysen once and never seeing Maddox 2 Thanksgivings ago, Joe and Lori ( Bay's mom and dad) don't " get along" they are nice but it is this fake when is this over niceness. And Lori and I have a forced relationship. While at the restaurant waiting for Joe I told Maddox he couldn't have anymore chips cause he wouldn't eat his dinner and Lori kept giving them to him. And guess what Maddox only ate 3 bites of his dinner!!! Lori suggested that we order the boys food first both Bay and I told her that it wouldn't be a good idea cause then they would eat and be finished before everyone else and be ready to go. 5 mins after telling her this she calls the waitress over and tells her that we want to order the boys food. I then have to tell the waitress ''No Thank You" and explain to Lori again that I don't want them to eat first. Then after dinner we are standing outside and Lori tells Joe that her, Bailey, and the boys should come up there to see him! I turn around to look at her ok to give her a dirty back off look and she smiles this overly sweet smile and says oh to give Becca a weekend alone. I then tell her that I enjoy spending the weekend with MY family.

Bay thinks I am being overly sensitive to the whole thing maybe I am but I do know that every time I am talking to Bay she interrupts us to ask us what we are talking and then has to tell Bay something and every time that I tell my kids something she does the opposite of of I have told them. It makes me want to scream LISTEN BITCH THIS IS MY FAMILY YOU CAN'T OUT WIFE OR MOTHER THEM!" and then loosen the screws of her walker.

Ok maybe that was too much!?!

Breaking up is hard to do

Lyndley is moving out....It hasn't been this huge drama and it hasn't just gone quietly into the night either. I am unsure on how I feel about the whole thing.
This is how it started about the same time that we moved into our new place she found herself this new boyfriend. I really know nothing about him since I only met him once. Since they started dating she has spent every single moment of her time with him. She has only been here a few days since moving here. The month of April she didn't sleep here once. It has been a hard transition I feel like I am losing my best friend. She and I spent a lot time together and now that is gone...I feel used like she was only my friend cause she had no one else to hang out with. That hurts. It hurts me that she doesn't spend any time with the boys and they ask about her and ask to see her.

She is supposed to be out the first of July. It will be weird. I wonder how we will ever see her when we don't now and she still lives here....We had this little group of family that we had built and it is breaking...This is how it must feel when your children go off to college....

I hate the bank!

So when we moved I ordered new checks from the bank. They get here finally after being delayed by a month! I write all our bills out and mail them not thinking anything. Get a call from the bank today informing me that they had to reject all my check cause the wrong account number was on the checks...That means my rent "bounced". So embarrassing....I had to call our landlord and explain to her the whole situation, luckily she laughed and told me to bring her the money by Monday and is nice enough to not charge us any fees and will still let us write rent checks. But now I have to deal with the 10 other people I wrote checks too!!!

Thank you Nanci Griffith

I want a simple life
Like my mother
One true love for my older years
I don’t want your wars
To take my children
I want a simple life…while I’m here
The sun and moon walk hand in hand together
Trading places shining on the truth
The moon moves the bottoms of the oceans
So, the sun can bring a farmer’s hands to you
We all seek comfort in the light of day
And our tears can wash off in the rainEverything we need is all around us
In simple time and simple ways
Mother nature talks
Whispering her thoughts
So the paths we choose to cross
Walk one more day

"She's gone with the man in the long black coat"

I haven't spoken to Corrina since we had that big huge fight and she opened her mouth and I had to open my back. Sunday is her birthday and she turns 21. Wow! It seems unreal that she is turning 21. My heart breaks for her. Where is she in life? Where is she going? She has no real support. She is lost in the wind and has no hopes, dreams, wishes, or wants. Makes me sad. This is someone that I shared my childhood with. This is someone who knew my dreams before anyone else. She knows my story. And I know hers. Ours are written within each other. We played for hours riding bikes, pretending, just being kids. Now that is all gone and she isn't that person. Hell I guess I am not either. If I could go back in time just one day from when we were kids and see us again so full of hope and love not knowing that there were people in this world that would hurt us and that one day we would grow up and be alone. I would go back to that day at the fair when we were both scared on the ride, but still laughing and making each other smile making up songs to sing on the rides. Being kids so full of innocence. That is the day I would go back and see us at. Before the fire. Before boys, Before my grandma was gone. Before life. I do miss her and I do love her but there is nothing I can do to change anything.

Stand Up and Make a Change

I can't handle this administration anymore! It is enough to make me want to move to another country and never let anyone know that I am an American. Bush and his people are an embarrassment!! Something must be done! How can we as Americans stand by and allow Bush to continue his EVIL regime! WE talk about terrorists like they are men who speak another language and have mysterious beards, and lurk in dark airport hallways but NO they are white, speak English, and are where everyone can see them! How can we stand by and allow him to send another daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father to a country to die! How can we stand by and allow him to wipe away our Bills Of Rights! I never thought going to Iraq was a good idea....I never thought Bush was a good idea.....I only can hope that we as Americans can make the right choice for our next president!

I know this special quite time is changing as you turn from baby to boy before my eyes

I know that when I am an old lady I miss the way your head felt in the crease of my arm and how your little hand felt across my back as we shared a midnight snack
I know that when I am an old lady I will still hear the sounds of your lips in the dark
Your little naked body curled up next to mine breathing in sync
I know that when I am an old lady I will freeze under the covers but not from your toes that you race up my belly but from the wind that carries memories into eternity

When I am gone you will be an old man will you still remember that I cried when I looked down and saw you there peacefully sleeping not a care in the world knowing that your mommy was there?

And I think to myself

What a wonderful life!

As you lay sleeping the couch your lil body snuggled up into a ball

I can hear your breath ruffling against the pillow

You chest rises and falls in time with the rocking on my chair as I watch you sleeping

I think to myself what a gift

What a joy you have been to me

You are everything I could ever want hope or need

I amazed still afer 3 years that you saved me like you did

You made me

So I am loving our new set up! Bailey asked to be laid off so we could get unemployment and keep our health insurance (The Union will still insure us if he is laid off) We are all home together, co-parenting. I have taken a small part time job just so we will have some extra cash. I love it!! We are now in a direction where we are talking/dreaming about the way we want our life to go....Our dream right now is moving to some beach and being bums in a bungalow!

Last night I was laying in bed: Bailey, Graysen, Me, and Maddox in that order. Listening to Bailey's CPAP machine, Graysen coughing, Maddox sucking and we were all sweating like pigs. I knew that all my hopes, wishes, and dreams have come true.... Everything my heart always wanted has come true.

Times they are a changing

Bailey is rethinking is career and where he wants to be...what he wants for his family. He works sometimes 7 days a week, is stressed out from work. We want to have more shared parenting and a simpler lifestyle. We want to have time for each other as a family. I am scared....I want these things too but Bailey is the only one that works so that scares me! But everything will be ok cause I have faith in my hubby! I love him!!!

Graysen and Maddox are growing and changing so much each day. I am truly blessed to be their mother. Even though I am worried and a bit stressed I would never change my life with anyone else's. And I am grateful to be me!!

My life has changed!

Graysen turned 3 and I have no idea who he is! He went to bed on the 7th my sweet, easy going loving guy and woke up this yelling at all times, must do everything himself no matter what bully! I pray every day while searching the internet for preschool boarding schools!
We found a possible reason to why Maddox is not talking. His pedi thinks he may have an ear/hearing issue and we have to go and have all these tests done. It is such a relief to finally have an idea why he isn't talking as much as other children his age.
We moved! It was bittersweet. Leaving the home were we had became a family, celebrated so much...But we will have new memories and new creations at our new house!
Bay is having a mini melt down and wants to get some sort of new job. He is getting burnt out and this Monday will be a nice mini vacation for him.
I am pushing my self out of this funk that I had been going through. I have been feeling depressed, missing my grandma, there is this tension inside me that I can feel building and building. Maybe it is the lack of sex???

Blowing in the wind

So this past Tuesday I cut my babies hair and I am heart broken. The little baby fluff of curls are gone. I am hoping not forever and that when it grows it still grows curly. I didn't want to cut them off but the hairdresser did by "mistake". The difference is night and day, he looks so grown up. My baby is gone and there is a toddler in front of me. It makes me feel just simply sad. It makes me miss the little baby that he was and makes me want another baby so bad. Then last night, at Bay's company holiday party, I was asked if we were going to have any more kids and I went on for 10 minutes how I would love to have another one right now but the timing is not right blah blah blah. Hearing me say this some what upset me and I thought is there ever a right time to have a baby? Is anything ever picture perfect when you have a baby? No...things are always confusing, hard, lonely, scary, fulfilling, and the best reason blissful.

I have to brag about my darling hubby, Bailey. I am such a lucky girl to have found him. He is truly my perfect match...We have such a connection, such a draw to be with each other. To have him around me makes me so happy and I count down the time until I get to see him when he is at work. I wish we had tons of money so he didn't have to work so we could be together everyday. Last night I had way too much to drink at his company's dinner. Well it was more the after party at the bar down the street with just a few friends from work. And I drank! I get sick on the way home and puke with my head out the window. It was gross. He carried me in and helped me shower before sending me to bed. I woke up this working still all groggy and yucky!!! It really sucked!!! Bay took the boys to the Chiropractor with him and I asked him to get Togo's-cause only that will help my hangover! Not thinking that it was only 830 in the morning and Togo's is NOT open. After an hour and a half I called Bay asking him where he and the boys were, and he tells me that they are waiting for Togo's to open at Twin Pines Park and to go back to bed and sleep!!! I was never MORE in love with him when I hung up.

After re-reading my declaration to the world I noticed that I type SO a lot....Soooo does this mean I say SO a lot when I talk. I removed them all! I will have to pay attention to myself when I am talk to see.

Santa and the babies

So yesterday we go to see Santa and the whole time we are walking there Graysen is telling Bay and myself how he is going to sit on Santa's lap and tell him he wants the Sesame Street tools and Santa is going to say ok and say Ho ho ho...Maddox is singing Ho ho ho...Bay and I are hopeful that we will get a pic of the boys with Santa. We get there....... Graysen's legs are stiff and we have to nudge him a little to walk up to Santa. Maddox is fine. Graysen gets in Santa's lap and is stiff as a board and can't/won't speak. Maddox looks at Santa gives this nervous smile looks around and starts to cry! He looks at me and stops looks at Santa starts. We get a few pictures. Santa asks Graysen what he wants and Graysen yells Elmo Tools then jumps off and runs away! LMAO!!!
We got three different pics the two where Maddox is not crying the boys look so scared and then the other and last one Maddox is crying. :)

Mystery Mom

So my mother's anniversary of her death is coming up...It is crazy how much I miss her. I never thought since giving our history that I would...But my heart yearns for her, yearns for a mother I never had. The mother I dreamt and wished I did.
I was trying to remember her voice the other day and I can't. I can't think of anything she would of said. I can't think of the way she stood or how she brushed her hair. I can't tell you anything about her, but she was my mother and no matter what her mind was telling her or what mood she was in all SHE ever wanted was to be a mother, wife, and have this perfect life. And she loved me more then anyone in this world. Much more then she ever loved herself. And good or bad everything she did was for me.

Taking classes

So I am signing up to take some night classes this coming up January. I am thinking about going two nights a week?!?! Maybe taking a computer class and a math class. I am also thinking about taking telecourses which I would watch at home do the work and meet like every few weeks on my own time with the teacher! I am really excited about this!!! I just have to figure out what classes, Bay's schedule and actually sign up for them!!!

Besides bettering myself ( which I always push everyone else to do) I think it will be good for the boys to have some daddy time and let Bay know what I do all day too!!!