Happy Winter!

Baby It's Cold Outside!

In celebration to the coming winter and the longest night of the year we made a beautiful wreath from twigs, leaves, and grass that we collected from a local park close to our house. We made a yummy sun cake that was decorated with yellow and orange M&MS. I think the decorating was the boys favorite part! By the end of the night Maddox had a permanent yellow ring around his mouth. Before we ate it we each rang a bell and told each other our favorite part of winter:

Mine-The darkness and pitch dark of the night. Seeing your breath and wearing scarfs.

Bailey-People needing heat and him being busy with work.

Graysen-Jumping in puddles.

Maddox-Splashing Graysen and eating cake.

Then we ended our night by setting up our tree. It was a perfect way to celebrate winter.

Am I hanging up my coat?

I had a dream the other night that made me lay in bed thinking for hours afterward. I think I am done having children. I think the mama part of my heart of filled to the brim and can't grow anymore. I love the children I have now. And when I look to the future it is very hard to see other children packed into this family. I love the group of four that we are...I love being the only girl surrounded by these beasts I call my family. Who knows..It may of been the laughing gas talking but the more I think (and believe me I have been doing nothing BUT thinking about it!) the more I like the knowing and understanding my body and I have....

I even love the way it sounds DeeeSemBurrr!

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

December..December..December. This is always a strange month for me. It is a month that brings many people sorrow and it should me. There is something magical about this time that makes me feel more alive then any other month. Like I am filled with excitement, joy, happiness. I love each and everyday of December. It should be a sad month for me...The Holidays-the missing of my grandma and mother. Not only do I have the death of my mother but a few days later is her birthday. But I have wonderful memories when I first met Bailey, the end of my pregnancy with Graysen and being this wanna-be Martha Stewart all fat, grumpy, hungry and very pregnant. Going back further in life, I have wonder memories of an old flame, actually it seems that in December all relationships that I have had really start in December-funny! December is a good month

Graysen and Sara

Graysen has made his first friend that I had no part in helping him make ( by either my friends children or playgroups). We met her at the park a few weeks ago and they played the entire day together! So we now have an on going date with her each Wednesday. It is funny; she is this wild outgoing little bug of a girl. He runs around the park like she owns the place dictating other children to play what she wants. This one boys was wearing a baseball hat and she goes up to him and says "I'm wearing this now" and placed it on her head! She turns four on the first on January, Graysen turns four on the eighth They play everything from slides to this funny version of pretend house. Which is a crack up. Even Maddox likes her- I think it was cause taught him how to semi climb a tree. :)

I love that he is finding his own place in this world!

It's my birthday and I cry if I want too!

Yesterday was the day I was born. 10/10...It always seems so special cause it is backwards and forwards the same. My birthday it is always this weird,strange,bittersweet time for me. I always get gloom in eye and heart feels heavy. I try my hardest to not get this way but it overcomes me. People always want to celebrate but I would rather spend it in a hotel room alone laying in bed and reading some novel of despair. That is what I somewhat did I took a burning hot bath, so hot that you think your insides might by cooking, and read Celebrity Detox. My children and husband were sleeping and I crept through the house afterwards looking around and thinking "WOW I'm 27! 27 years ago my mother gave birth to me....All of her hopes and dreams gone.'' I was once told that my mother's craziness really started after I was born. Maybe it is guilt I feel on my birthday-guilt of ending someones life. Hmmm. I should talk to my therapist about that. Maybe he will confirm the thoughts that I am crazy?!?! ;0)

Put on your party bumps!

Today we had several chicken pox parties. I had some people over that I knew from my AP mom's group but then I invited over moms I never met-from like minded boards though. Which is so strange for me cause I am private in such a weird way. To open my home and my children's disease..LOL

Tonight at dinner Bay and I were talking about it and how weird it was to say come on over here I am play with us, share a straw with us, rub up against us. Hmmmm...I didn't second guess myself in the moment but now I am- I don't know why...

Anyway-I am reading this book, Kids Are Worth It! And IF I don't go further then the first chapter it was worth it. I learned do much from it. I have pages of notes, Bay and I read it out loud and AGREED on what she was saying. Which is saying much cause he HATES parenting books and finds most of them to be BS.

When I read these types of books it makes me WISH I had a mom to go to and shoot off parenting ideas, my dad and Alisha don't count. My dad can't even tie his shoes. I wouldn't take his advice on what tee shirt to wear let alone how to raise my kids. And Alisha-NO COMMENT! I try to think how would of my mom or grandma handled this and while I wasn't raised in an AP manner, I was loved by my grandma if nothing else, and she always handled everything with love. That is my goal- LOVE and (thank you Barbara Coloroso) Dignity! :)
http://www.kidsareworthit.com/

Little Red Hen!

Graysen has chicken poxs and any day now Maddox will pop!

I don't know where we got them or from who but we do!

Yesterday we were at Twin Pines and Graysen came up to me and told me his back itched. I scratched his back and then a few minutes later he came back to me crying about his back itching. I take off his shirt and from neck to butt there was what I thought were hives. We left and took an oatmeal bath. Woke up today and the hives were still there. Slowly throughout the day they started to creep all over his body. We go to the Drs and they say CHICKEN POXS!

I am happy, I knew we were going to get them sooner or later...I am just not looking forward to Drama King-Maddox being knee deep in spots!

This is You Life

When I was little I used to play a lot of pretend. One of my favorite pretend games that I would get lost into was: I would pretend that I was an alien on a mission to this planet to learn about humans. I could talk to my planet through this telephone located on the scar on my right wrist. I would play this for hours, watching people and being lost in my own mind. I was comforted by the thought that I was an alien and had this alien family waiting for me back home.

The infamous scar!

When I was about 6 years old I was being "baby-sat" by some woman that my father was dating. I cried about being starving so she made me some pasta but because she was an alcoholic drug user or more likely both; her sink was beyond dirty as was her house. And as any responsible adult would do she asked me to hold the colander while she poured the hot water in to drain the pasta. The steam bothered her and the pot slipped out of her hands landing all over my hands, arms and splattered on my face. Then she freaked out and put my arms under the water, which did nothing but intensify the burn process. Hours later when my grandma came to pick me up she saw my wrists, which were burned....welted...and raw. You could se my insides from my outside! My grandma took me to the ER where I had to stay the night and have semi skin graph.

The skin on the under part of my wrist is thin and you can see and feel every vein. The sides and the top are speckled and the speckled part is this perfect band across my wrist.

As I have gotten older it is harder to tell it is there, which makes me sad cause I love that piece of me. I find it beautiful and reminds me of my childhood perfectly. Fragile-Damaged-Special-Unique. Everything that I am.

Look MOM!!

It is amazing how your children grow right before your eyes. How they start off as this little baby who can't do anything without you. They need you for everything. I thought that that concept would scare me but I relish in it. I am grateful for it. I am amazed how as you feed, love, and guide them they turn into their own people. With their own thoughts and feelings. Likes and Dislikes but yet they are at times a "mini you". LOL Being able to spend all of my time with my children has been such a blessing to me. Thanks Bailey for all your hard work and allowing me to be able to be a SAHM.

Graysen is really starting to become an artist. He is starting to draw people with eyes and legs! They are so cute. The other night I was sitting on the couch with Maddox and Graysen and Bailey were coloring; Graysen brought me his picture. It was a large circle with two circle's inside, 2 lines coming off the big circle and then another set of little circles on the lines. Behind that drawing was a smaller circle and lines coming off of it. I asked him what he picture was and he told me that the big circle was me and pointed to my "glasses" and he even drew my Meme's (they were the circles on the lines, and the lines were arms and legs. The little drawing behind "me" was Maddox who was sitting on my lap. I placed this drawing inside his baby book and I am going to keep it forever!

Be kind to your teeth and they will be kind to you!

A few months ago Bailey chipped a side back tooth and of coarse did nothing about it. He went to the dentist a few weeks ago and she said that he would need a root canal. Of coarse he did nothing. So Saturday morning he woke up with his face 2 times the normal size and our dentist is closed on the weekend. His face seemed to go up and down in size, I was pretty worried and wanted him to go to the ER. Monday we went in to the dentists and they drained it, said it was a tooth abscess, and that he need to be on antibiotics. The following Monday he had the appointment for the root canal. It seemed to get a little better but then Tuesday night the left side of his face was 5 times the normal size and his eye was closing shut. He looked like the hunchback of Norte Dame! LOL! Straight to the ER where they gave him a heavy does of an antibiotic and pain reliever shot. Tuesday morning back into the office where he had to be seen by a dental surgeon and have the tooth removed by the root! Now he is the toothless wonder.

This picture is after the draining and before the real swelling!

Graysen went to HIS Graceland!

This weekend we went away for the semi weekend. The we was: Graysen, Maddox, Marissa (I have known this woman for 10 years give or take, and she is 18 years older then me but we have a real friendship. She was there for me as a teenager when I just needed a friend to listen to me and now as a wife and mother when I just need someone to listen to me. She was my church youth group leader at one time, but we have always had a special friendship. She got married later in life, had her first and only child 4 years ago. ) Bella, and myself.

We went and stayed at the Marriot in Santa Clara; Thursday through today. On Friday we drove to Santa Cruz and went to the Day with Thomas the Train at Roaring Camp. We had the BEST time! They had different stations where you could get face painting, Thomas tattoos, bounce house, hay maze, story time, a meet and greet with Sir Topham himself! Graysen thought he was creepy and wouldn't go near him but Maddox ran to him with open arms hugging and kissing! But the crown jewel of the day was a real train ride driven by Thomas! We sat in Annie and Claribel while Thomas drove us on a 30 minute ride through the Santa Cruz forest.

After the ride the kids got to have their picture and got up close to Thomas. Graysen cried not cause he was scared but cause he was so excited. He needed to spend an extra moment with him and told him he loved him and touched the train. I wanted to cry to see my little one so happy. That smile on his face will be burned into my memory.

It was a really fun weekend in general. Stayed in a hotel....Ordered room service.....swam in the pool...saw Thomas...and went to Great America! I am tired! My boys are exhausted! I am glad to be HOME..But it was a great time!!!!!!

It will always be a bittersweet time of year

Wow! It has been two years since my grandma passed away. I will always be able to count the days as I add another year on to my son's age. That hurts. It seems wrong. It's not fair. I try not to think about the fact that two weeks to the day Maddox was born she was gone.
There are times when it feels like she is still alive and I can pick up the phone to call her. There have been a few times when I have dialed that old familiar phone number and still after two years no one has it. There are times when the emptiness and pain of knowing she is gone is as raw and fresh as the day she died. And there is a guilt as I go on with my life where I don't think about her and it is like I never knew her at all. It is hard to think that I have the rest of my life without her. Or that Graysen and Maddox will never know her love for them. Will never hear her voice and passion as she prays for them or the soft shyness of her singing. Will never hear her potty mouth that made you laugh. Or will never play a April Fool's joke on her just to scare her. Or will never argue with her. Those are the same things that I will never get to do too.
It is true now that she is gone there isn't anyone who loves me enough cause she loved me more then anyone. I am grateful that I knew that love. That I was shown that love and I can love others with that same intensity no matter what they do, who they are, where there from.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport

Not really that is a quote from Henry Youngman.

I had 5 wonderful years without ever having to deal with a mother in law and now I have to deal with her all the time! I thought when we let her back into our lives that it would be baby steps not seeing her every weekend! Well, I lie I don't have to see her every weekend BUT every Sunday that I work Bailey and the boys have breakfast with her and then go to the park. I do want my boys to have a relationship with her cause I loved my grandma and have many happy and cherished memories of her and the relationship we had. BUT my mother in law is not my sweet,loving, kind grandma she is a passive aggressive evil witch who wants to take my ruby slippers and lock me in a tower!

It all really started Thursday when she called to tell me that Bailey asked her out to dinner and that she wasn't feeling good but wanted to take us out to dinner tomorrow "even though I would be there" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Even though I would be there...

Then this weekend Bailey's dad made a surprise trip down here and wanted us all to go out to dinner last night. WHICH WAS WEIRD cause Bay's dad and I had a failing out after I go upset with him for only seeing Graysen once and never seeing Maddox 2 Thanksgivings ago, Joe and Lori ( Bay's mom and dad) don't " get along" they are nice but it is this fake when is this over niceness. And Lori and I have a forced relationship. While at the restaurant waiting for Joe I told Maddox he couldn't have anymore chips cause he wouldn't eat his dinner and Lori kept giving them to him. And guess what Maddox only ate 3 bites of his dinner!!! Lori suggested that we order the boys food first both Bay and I told her that it wouldn't be a good idea cause then they would eat and be finished before everyone else and be ready to go. 5 mins after telling her this she calls the waitress over and tells her that we want to order the boys food. I then have to tell the waitress ''No Thank You" and explain to Lori again that I don't want them to eat first. Then after dinner we are standing outside and Lori tells Joe that her, Bailey, and the boys should come up there to see him! I turn around to look at her ok to give her a dirty back off look and she smiles this overly sweet smile and says oh to give Becca a weekend alone. I then tell her that I enjoy spending the weekend with MY family.

Bay thinks I am being overly sensitive to the whole thing maybe I am but I do know that every time I am talking to Bay she interrupts us to ask us what we are talking and then has to tell Bay something and every time that I tell my kids something she does the opposite of of I have told them. It makes me want to scream LISTEN BITCH THIS IS MY FAMILY YOU CAN'T OUT WIFE OR MOTHER THEM!" and then loosen the screws of her walker.

Ok maybe that was too much!?!

Breaking up is hard to do

Lyndley is moving out....It hasn't been this huge drama and it hasn't just gone quietly into the night either. I am unsure on how I feel about the whole thing.
This is how it started about the same time that we moved into our new place she found herself this new boyfriend. I really know nothing about him since I only met him once. Since they started dating she has spent every single moment of her time with him. She has only been here a few days since moving here. The month of April she didn't sleep here once. It has been a hard transition I feel like I am losing my best friend. She and I spent a lot time together and now that is gone...I feel used like she was only my friend cause she had no one else to hang out with. That hurts. It hurts me that she doesn't spend any time with the boys and they ask about her and ask to see her.

She is supposed to be out the first of July. It will be weird. I wonder how we will ever see her when we don't now and she still lives here....We had this little group of family that we had built and it is breaking...This is how it must feel when your children go off to college....

I hate the bank!

So when we moved I ordered new checks from the bank. They get here finally after being delayed by a month! I write all our bills out and mail them not thinking anything. Get a call from the bank today informing me that they had to reject all my check cause the wrong account number was on the checks...That means my rent "bounced". So embarrassing....I had to call our landlord and explain to her the whole situation, luckily she laughed and told me to bring her the money by Monday and is nice enough to not charge us any fees and will still let us write rent checks. But now I have to deal with the 10 other people I wrote checks too!!!

Thank you Nanci Griffith

I want a simple life
Like my mother
One true love for my older years
I don’t want your wars
To take my children
I want a simple life…while I’m here
The sun and moon walk hand in hand together
Trading places shining on the truth
The moon moves the bottoms of the oceans
So, the sun can bring a farmer’s hands to you
We all seek comfort in the light of day
And our tears can wash off in the rainEverything we need is all around us
In simple time and simple ways
Mother nature talks
Whispering her thoughts
So the paths we choose to cross
Walk one more day

"She's gone with the man in the long black coat"

I haven't spoken to Corrina since we had that big huge fight and she opened her mouth and I had to open my back. Sunday is her birthday and she turns 21. Wow! It seems unreal that she is turning 21. My heart breaks for her. Where is she in life? Where is she going? She has no real support. She is lost in the wind and has no hopes, dreams, wishes, or wants. Makes me sad. This is someone that I shared my childhood with. This is someone who knew my dreams before anyone else. She knows my story. And I know hers. Ours are written within each other. We played for hours riding bikes, pretending, just being kids. Now that is all gone and she isn't that person. Hell I guess I am not either. If I could go back in time just one day from when we were kids and see us again so full of hope and love not knowing that there were people in this world that would hurt us and that one day we would grow up and be alone. I would go back to that day at the fair when we were both scared on the ride, but still laughing and making each other smile making up songs to sing on the rides. Being kids so full of innocence. That is the day I would go back and see us at. Before the fire. Before boys, Before my grandma was gone. Before life. I do miss her and I do love her but there is nothing I can do to change anything.

Stand Up and Make a Change

I can't handle this administration anymore! It is enough to make me want to move to another country and never let anyone know that I am an American. Bush and his people are an embarrassment!! Something must be done! How can we as Americans stand by and allow Bush to continue his EVIL regime! WE talk about terrorists like they are men who speak another language and have mysterious beards, and lurk in dark airport hallways but NO they are white, speak English, and are where everyone can see them! How can we stand by and allow him to send another daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father to a country to die! How can we stand by and allow him to wipe away our Bills Of Rights! I never thought going to Iraq was a good idea....I never thought Bush was a good idea.....I only can hope that we as Americans can make the right choice for our next president!

I know this special quite time is changing as you turn from baby to boy before my eyes

I know that when I am an old lady I miss the way your head felt in the crease of my arm and how your little hand felt across my back as we shared a midnight snack
I know that when I am an old lady I will still hear the sounds of your lips in the dark
Your little naked body curled up next to mine breathing in sync
I know that when I am an old lady I will freeze under the covers but not from your toes that you race up my belly but from the wind that carries memories into eternity

When I am gone you will be an old man will you still remember that I cried when I looked down and saw you there peacefully sleeping not a care in the world knowing that your mommy was there?

And I think to myself

What a wonderful life!

As you lay sleeping the couch your lil body snuggled up into a ball

I can hear your breath ruffling against the pillow

You chest rises and falls in time with the rocking on my chair as I watch you sleeping

I think to myself what a gift

What a joy you have been to me

You are everything I could ever want hope or need

I amazed still afer 3 years that you saved me like you did

You made me

So I am loving our new set up! Bailey asked to be laid off so we could get unemployment and keep our health insurance (The Union will still insure us if he is laid off) We are all home together, co-parenting. I have taken a small part time job just so we will have some extra cash. I love it!! We are now in a direction where we are talking/dreaming about the way we want our life to go....Our dream right now is moving to some beach and being bums in a bungalow!

Last night I was laying in bed: Bailey, Graysen, Me, and Maddox in that order. Listening to Bailey's CPAP machine, Graysen coughing, Maddox sucking and we were all sweating like pigs. I knew that all my hopes, wishes, and dreams have come true.... Everything my heart always wanted has come true.

Times they are a changing

Bailey is rethinking is career and where he wants to be...what he wants for his family. He works sometimes 7 days a week, is stressed out from work. We want to have more shared parenting and a simpler lifestyle. We want to have time for each other as a family. I am scared....I want these things too but Bailey is the only one that works so that scares me! But everything will be ok cause I have faith in my hubby! I love him!!!

Graysen and Maddox are growing and changing so much each day. I am truly blessed to be their mother. Even though I am worried and a bit stressed I would never change my life with anyone else's. And I am grateful to be me!!

My life has changed!

Graysen turned 3 and I have no idea who he is! He went to bed on the 7th my sweet, easy going loving guy and woke up this yelling at all times, must do everything himself no matter what bully! I pray every day while searching the internet for preschool boarding schools!
We found a possible reason to why Maddox is not talking. His pedi thinks he may have an ear/hearing issue and we have to go and have all these tests done. It is such a relief to finally have an idea why he isn't talking as much as other children his age.
We moved! It was bittersweet. Leaving the home were we had became a family, celebrated so much...But we will have new memories and new creations at our new house!
Bay is having a mini melt down and wants to get some sort of new job. He is getting burnt out and this Monday will be a nice mini vacation for him.
I am pushing my self out of this funk that I had been going through. I have been feeling depressed, missing my grandma, there is this tension inside me that I can feel building and building. Maybe it is the lack of sex???