My Crazy Little Life

Ramblings from the rabbit hole

2010-01-30T18:40:00.000-08:00

So before my official legal divorce I felt this unbearable need to talk, see, and be around Bailey. But since Jan 15 there isn't that need. I mean I miss him and I love him-LOTS. But there isn't a in love my tummy swarms when I see him.

I am angry at him. Angry that HE DID this. Angry that he can just go on while I have to do the day to day of our old life.

I think I am ready to date-I am scared.....How do I date again? How do I be a mother to my children and a lover to another man who is not their father? It is scary. I am scared to share my hopes and dreams with someone again. Last time I got burned. When do I introduce my children to a boyfriend? It is all such new territory!

I am not ready

2010-01-22T22:19:00.001-08:00

To change my profiles.

All great things must come to an end

2010-01-22T22:12:00.000-08:00

So today I came home and there it was...A legal size envelope with my handwriting the perfect letters the deep blue gel ink.....It came I looked at it like it was going to bite me. It was my offical legal binding divorce papers. One week to the date they came. I slid to the ground and held the letter. I knew what they said I have been listening to the judges voice all week in my head. Hearing her proclaim our life and with her pen making it legal. But still seeing that envelope it made it all real again. I sobbed openly, deeply, and primal. My children stood in the doorway watching me. Graysen came very quietly and sat next to me. Maddox stood before me and smiled. I opened it and called Bailey. He answered and I could only cry and he knew. He told me that he would go and check the mail and call me back.

I don't really miss him anymore but my soul still yearns for him. I still think of him daily and I still want to crawl into bed with him at night . So yeah maybe I do still miss him.

Mama when I am getting homework?

2009-09-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

My first born son Graysen Avery has started the long road of education. He is in kindergarten! Monday was his first day. He rised and shined at the butt crack of dawn singing "I start school and you don't" and then pointing at Maddox who in turn would cry. We packed his snack and put on his back pack and walked to school. I teared up as we walked to school hand in hand and my brave five year old looked up at me and asked if I brought my camera. We got to room 4 and wiped away my tears. I tried to say hi to some other parents.

Then this sadness over took me not only was I turning over my first born child but I was standing alone. I wanted to cry, scream, and lay in my bed and watch the day pass me by but instead I watched my son hang up his belongings turn around hug me and walk over to the magic circle. Then I went on my own brave journey the PTA Back to School Coffee. I signed up for a couple of volunteer positions, drank my coffee and looked around. I felt like I was in high school. Parents grouped together talking and laughing about summer. Other moms and dads whispering to each other, and then there was me.

Ok while I know in my heart of hearts that I am NOT THE ONLY single parent at the school at the moment and time I felt that way. I never felt more alone...more afraid...more vulnerable. I wanted to be a pair. I wanted to turn around and see Bailey there. I wanted to hear his smart ass comment about how the PTA president is a man and wants to be called PTA Captain. I wanted to be a double digit not a single.

Rambles

2009-07-15T14:09:00.000-07:00

Maddox turns 4 in a little less then a week! I can't believe it! I remember last year...I got to stop doing that. I have to stop thinking about this year and then remembering when my life was normal cause this is the new normal.

I hate this new normal. I miss my old normal. I hate that I miss Bailey still after all this time. I hate that hearing his voice still makes me long for him. Not long for him in some weird sexual way but as in I am home after a long day. As in the weather is hot and we are going to go and get ice cream way.

He and I have been trying to be friends and while that is best for our children it is hard to be friends with someone whom you love with all your heart and soul. Have I mentioned that I hate that I still love him.

I have a friend who said it took her 7 years to get over her 2 year marriage-I'm screwed........

Graysen and Maddox have been going to daycare, I take back the love I know when I hate him it is that hour after I drop that boys off and I am off to work...I hate him then! YES THAT IS PROGRESS!!!! They are liking it better but I hate it. I never wanted that type of life. Never say never huh?

I have a new favorite song and my favorite line from that song is...Next time you say forever I'll punch you in the face. That is my motto for today, tomorrow, and always!

Perfect Days

2009-04-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

Monday was a perfect day. The weather was hot and I played hooky and went to the beach. It was a day that goes down in the record books! Everyone at the beach was laughing, smiling, throwing balls, and just being happy. As I walked the span on the beach I slowly turned and took in the ocean and the mountains. I had a silly smile on my face ear to ear. I felt inner peace. At the moment with the sun to my face and the ocean to my ear that my life was going to be ok. That even though life has been dark I am coming to the end of my tunnel and there is a bright sun beam shining on me. I am going to be ok. My kids are going to be ok. And even Bailey will be ok.

I breathe I live I am

2009-04-18T20:53:00.000-07:00

Yes people I am alive. Life these past few months life has a bitch to say the least. I have had my ups and I have had my downs.....Let me be honest there have been quite a few downs. I have gone from crying and screaming to think about sleeping with my ex again to screaming and crying and needing to be held. But I am alive people and I will be updating ASAP! Thoughts for this moment LIFE WELL!

Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer had a very dirty nose!!!

2008-12-16T23:23:00.001-08:00

So all this bitching and moaning made me forgot..My baby had his first school performance! And while it was short I loved each moment that my almost 5 year old stood there singing his heart away! And for a short moment Bailey and I stood arm to arm and we were a family again. We beamed as our son, our first really great thing, our heart and soul wore a Santa hat and walked back and forth on a makeshift stage.

Last Friday night Graysen's school has their "Gingerbread House Night". We decorated (and may I add had the best) Gingerbread house and then Graysen along with his class sang Must Be Santa and Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer. Each kid wore a green santa sweatshirt they had made and had a differetn part for the must be santa song. I am not sure what Graysen's part was cause he wore a Santa's hat and walked back and forth smiling behing all the kids. He was the star of the show!!! :)

Miracle on Elm Street

2008-12-16T23:14:00.000-08:00

So something magical has happened some how $170.00 has been deposited into my checking account. I called the bank and all they can say about it is that it was a cash deposit today...I know it wasn't Bailey cause I HAD to give him 40 bucks cause he didn't have any money.

So however you are if you are reading this THANK YOU! You let us splurge on some garlic- chicken pesto pizza, and I am going to use it to pay for a storage unit! Yo see that 170. was like a dream come true! Thank you!

All My hopes and dreams

2008-12-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

I always thought that I would have this picture perfect marriage and family. I thought that my childhood had been bad enough that I had put my "time in" and I was going to have all I wanted, hoped, and dreamed for as a child. I would be that 1950's housewife and we would have 2.5 children and a dog.

I thought what Bailey and I had built together was perfect minus the .5 and dog. I don't know where it all went wrong, I don't know what was so bad that I did.

I am so lonely without him. His side of the bed as lost his scent and that hurts. I have to be out of my house on the 23 of December, which is funny cause that is the day Bailey and I met. A day we always celebrated almost even more then we thought about your wedding anniversary. I am so scared I have no idea what is going to happen. What am I going to do with all my stuff? How am I going to pack it all in a few short days?

I am living my worst fear: Being Alone.....

Can you write yourself a check?

2008-12-13T17:20:00.000-08:00

So before I rip myself a new one I want to give myself a small pat on the back! I have been doing very good on living on very little since Bailey left! The lights are on and we have full bellies but this week I made a HUGE mistake and I am paying that I don't bounce like a ball all throughout San Carlos! I have overspent.....And I have three checks out and I am praying that all three don't go in at the same moment in time! To make matter worse these are checks to Graysen's school! So everyone pray with me. PLEASE CHECKS DON'T GO IN THE BANK UNTIL NEXT FRIDAY WHEN THERE WILL BE MONEY IN THE BACK TO COVER EVERYTHING! I am so stupid I can't believe I did this!

I live a real life version of If you Give a Mouse a.....

2008-12-05T20:58:00.000-08:00

Tonight the boys and I bundled up and went on a walk looking at Christmas lights, we have a 2 block stretch of houses that place lights on every free space of their houses. It is really pretty and fun to take the kids there... Plus I really enjoy brunt retinas Eye sight is so overrated!

I tried to compose myself as best as I could cause OF COARSE going there made me sad (can I mention for a moment that I am a tad bit sick of being so damn sad all the time and I am TRYING not too be...) and I would make this big deal about the wind and cold making my eyes water. :)

On our way back home we made a pit stop at Starbucks to get hot chocolate and something yummy. I am pushing Maddox in the stroller and Graysen is walking behind us; he tells me that he has to pee. Now it isn't a "Hey mom I have to use the bathroom" it is a " I HAVE TO PEE SO BAD OHHHHHHHHHH I HAVE TO PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE MAMA THE PEE IS GOING TO COME OUT AND I AM GOING TO FREEZEEEEEEE CAUSE MY PANTS WILL BE WET WITH PEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE"

Me: "Oh Graysen honey if you have to pee so bad let's walk on the sidewalk quickly and not didly dadly"

Graysen as he is climbing on the teeny tiny ledge to walk to the plank while trying not to spill his hot chocolate "Oh but Mama I love didly dadlying"

I had to stop and laugh it was funny....So we walked the plank which reminded Maddox that he likes to walk planks too so he had to climb out and hold onto his drink and walk only to then scream cause Graysen was first and he was first last time when they walked the plank. Which made Graysen stop so that Maddox could spiderman over him cause YES HE DID WALK THE PLANK FIRST LAST TIME which made Maddox bump into him cause he wasn't looking and spill his chocolate, which then reminded Graysen that he had to pee and was going to pee his pants.....The whole time this is going on I can see our house and I got the bright idea to tell the boys that if we got home in two minutes we could watch The Grinch movie. Which only led to a fight over who liked the Grinch more....We finally made it home dry pants and all!

Happy Holidays!

Deep Thoughts

2008-11-28T21:27:00.000-08:00

It isn't like he has asked me to stop or anything BUT....Sometimes when I feel sad, or the over whelming feeling of missing Bailey overcomes me I text him these sad, semi pathetic, full of sobs texts.
I also NEED to stop calling him and having those same texts but in real conversation. Those we do dance back back and forth together. He cries, I cry. I make every declaration of my heart to him and he tells me he is hurting too. I know that he probably is but it is HARD to believe cause I feel like I am the one who was left and tossed to the side like garbage. I feel like I would never of done this to him. And I don't understand WHAT I DID. This whole separation/divorce thing has really brought up some family issues that I have been burying deep down inside. The feelings of anger and sadness from being left by both my parents. I feel like man I must suck as a person if everyone leaves me....They run away. Maybe it is me....

When husbands and wives separate do they really stop all communication? I mean this is stupid but does that deep down friendship have to end? Do we really choice sides? Is there a my team his team? Are we destined to be enemies? Cause I still want that friendship we had. I still want to call him and talk about the day. I still want to know how his dad is. And if his grandma is ok.
I still want daily contact. I still want him to come home.

Please just rip my heart out!

2008-11-26T11:31:00.001-08:00

Last night I was walking through Mervyn's and they had all this Christmas decor out, and it was too much for me.....It made me remember our first Christmas together and how we picked out ornaments, and how we were. Before Graysen and Maddox-we had only been married 6-7 months. That's hard....There I stood like an idiot with tears pouring down my eyes just a mess. I just want this pain..this heartache...everything to go away. I miss my old life- a life where I went to bed next to the man I loved...When 5 o'clock I knew who was coming home...This lonely empty feeling is the worse heeling in the world..

I know that I should change my profiles everyone to erased how much I cared and how much I loved him. But I don't want too....AS stupid as this is-he changed our relationship status on facebook and it hurt...I don't to be complicated with anyone I want to be married.

We were supposed to spend Thanksgiving together and know that is all up in the air....That hurts. FUCK EVERYTHING HURTS!

A ray of sun came out today

2008-11-25T15:05:00.000-08:00

Today I was laying on my back watching a bird construct a best on the limb of a very small tree. The wind was blowing the branch but this little was determined to finish this nest. Several times while watching her she would fly away and come back. Right before I had to get up she came flying back with this shiny sparkly ribbon trailing behind her. Just as I was watching the sun peeked through the clouds and the rays poured down on the nest...It was a iridescent ribbon from a balloon. It was pink, purple, shiny and beautiful. This little bird had this ribbon weaved in and out of her nest...So simple so beautiful and something about that nest really touched me inside! It made me remember that there is beauty all around us and we only need to stop and look.

The sun just set

2008-11-20T17:33:00.000-08:00

Every night Maddox breaks my heart over and over again. Every night as I am making dinner and the sun is setting he comes running into the kitchen to inform me that the sun is going away and daddy needs to hurry home. I then have to remind him that Daddy doesn't come to this house when the sun goes down anymore and then he laughs and says that's right silly me. I dread this conversation but it happens every night.

Grasyen has declared that he doesn't like daddy's new house and he only wants to live here at his old house. When I talked to him about daddy's house and how he would have to talk to daddy about that. Graysen shook his head and said NO MAMA YOU HAVE TO YOUR THE GROWN UP!

One Tequilla Two Tequilla FLOOR!

2008-11-11T12:46:00.000-08:00

Saturday night was my first night alone....Bailey had the boys at his new place so Lyndley my trusty sidekick came down and we went out to eat and then had a good old fashion bar hopping' party. All night long she was buying me drinks...I can't even remember how many I had. But I do remember thinking that I could see better with one eye instead of two.....

At the need of the night I went home alone and Lyndley got on the train to go back to the city and that is where the night went down hill.. Me ALONE DRUNK and a PHONE!I was crying on the phone to my friend Nina about how I NEEDED a Sourdough Jack but it was too far to walk too and she had to convince me to NOT get in a cab and get one. And then I called Mr Bailey! God Why?!?!?! From what I can remember is that I was just crying and saying PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.....Then he would tell me to hang up and call him back when I wasn't so upset and I would hang up and then call back right away still as upset and just crying.I am pissed at myself for 1. Getting so shit faced 2. Celling him and 3. Not getting a sourdough jack those are yummy when you are drunk!

America the Proud..America the Brave

2008-11-04T23:31:00.001-08:00

I can't type through these tears

2008-11-04T23:10:00.000-08:00

Maybe my need to be loved was too much and it really destroyed what I had. Maybe I needed too much and that that need ruined everything.......My heart is breaking and I can barely hold on but I have these two little boys that don't understand what is going on and I can't lay around and cry, mope, and whine cause it isn't fair to them. They didn't ask for this
(FUCK NEITHER DID I)

I really can't do this.....I feel so alone and I am so scared to be alone. All I wanted to be was a mother and a wife and I failed....The hardest time is at night when I am alone here in the house and there isn't anyone to talk too. I just walk from room to room looking for what I lost.

I'm so loney I could die......

2008-11-03T21:16:00.001-08:00

Tonight is really the first time in seven years that I have been without Bailey. It is the first night at his new place. There is an overwhelming grief inside me. Part of me wants him to call me and tell me he is sorry and that he needs me...wants me. Needs and wants everything that we have built together. That he is sorry and wants to make everything work. And then there is this part of me that wants him to be alone in an apartment surround by his mother's things and being miserable. Hurting more then I am hurting.

I know that everything happens for a reason and there is a master plan to this life that I waddle through but it is hard when you don't have a map showing you which way to go.

That's all I have to say about that.

2008-11-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

Bailey has found a place to live and he is moving out. We are getting separated....

Harriet Lerner and Elisabeth Kuber-Ross

2008-10-26T19:33:00.000-07:00

"YOU WILL NO LONGER HAVE WHAT YOU NOW CALL YOUR LIFE. YOU WILL HAVE A DIFFERENT LIFE."

"I'm not okay, you're not okay, and that's okay."

The greater your capacity to love, the greater your capacity to feel the pain

2008-10-24T14:21:00.000-07:00

Pain has entered my life like a thief in the night...Opening the drawers of my heart and dumping them to the ground. Taking my memories-the good, the bad, and stomping them to pieces. It hurts to breath, it hurts to hold air in my lungs. It hurts to lay in bed and it hurts to join the world. It hurts to eat but yet it hurts to have my stomach growl. I feel alone in a room full of people and yes that hurts.

Bravier then I

2008-10-16T21:18:00.000-07:00

I just watched a documentary called Section 60. Section 60 is the area of Arlington National Cemetery where solider's from Iraq and Afghanistan are buried. It was gut wrenching. The rows and rows of YOUNG men and women that are laying in the ground there makes me sick and makes me want to scream..How unfair this war is and how many people are suffering and will suffer. How long will it go on for and how many section 60's will there be?

These families have built a community there in that acre of land. They know each other by name and meet each other with a hug. Bring coffee and flowers for each other. They have bonded with each other in such an amazing way..Mothers, wives, sisters, children all carrying the burden of war.

I hope that when it is Bush's end of life he has to watch images of brother's sharing beers with their brother's graves on their birthdays. Mother's watering flowers that they brought from their garden's to their children. Wives listening to "their song" on their anniversary. Father's kissing the top's of graves. Children drawing pictures of their mommy's, children who will never even remember their mother's face. All while listening to that lonely ballad of the trumpet playing. Maybe then he will know what price this nation paid to bring democracy to the world.

God I pray for every son and daughter in Iraq and Afghanistan tonight. Keep them safe, protect them, and send them home alive to their loved ones.

One Zero Zero

2008-10-04T22:30:00.000-07:00

Today I had this conversation with Graysen while we were in the car going to lunch. We had JUST pulled out of our driveway and hadn't even drove off our street.

G: Are we there yet?

Me: G how could we be there if we can still see our house? We will be there in 15 minutes.

G: We turned off Elm Street! Are we there yet?

Me: G we have to be in the car for 15 minutes....See the clock? Right now it says 12:45 when it says 1:00 then we will be there and you can ask if we are there and I will say "Yes we are!"

G: Ok ok ok One Zero Zero..One Zero Zero one Zero Zero. Mama when will the clock say One Zero Zero?

Should I sign him up for Clean House now?

2008-09-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

Graysen is a collector! Right now we have 3 different collection going on (listed in order of gross factor):

CANDY WRAPPERS!
Anytime he finds a candy wrapper from anywhere he must pick it up, save it to bring home and put in his special box. I caught him going into the garbage at the park the other day to grab a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapper that had Batman on it! I swear everyone there thought that we were some homeless family. I saw one mom pity Maddox,who was staring at their pears, give him one.

POPSICLE STICKS!
For the last few months Graysen has been keeping each and every popsicle stick that he has eaten (at home at least) so that he can "count how many he eats his whole long life" Ok this one wouldn't be so bad if I didn't catch Maddox under the train table sucking the last bit of orange of some month old popsicle stick. These sticks are kept in the special box too.

MOVIE TICKETS!Ok so this one isn't so gross, strange, or even annoying other then it shows was shitty parents Bay and I are by what movies we have taken our 4 and 3 year old to. IRON MAN, TRANSFORMERS ETC. I did put my foot down on the Mitchell's Brothers All Day Movie Explosion though! :)Now the movie ticket thing wouldn't be so bad if Graysen didn't beg every family member for their movie tickets. Now we have envelopes full of old ripped half readable tickets! Also keep in his special box

Now to the special box. It is a corn dog flip top box that Graysen drew G's all over so that everyone in the world will know that it belongs to him and if it is ever lost they can look up G for Graysen and know to bring it back to him on Elm Street.

What Is A Boy?

2008-09-21T22:03:00.000-07:00

He's an imp and an angel, a dreamer, a tease.

An explorer of meadows, and a climber of trees.

A runner of errands, and doer of chores.

Who tears his best trousers, and tracks up your floors.

He's a solemn young man with some mud on his feet, and a daredevil riding his bike down the street.

A bundle of questions, who wants to know "why" the world goes around and the stars fill the sky.

He's adventurous, timid, excited or quiet, there's nothing so new that he won't care to try it.

And just when your temper and patience wear thin, he'll look up at you with an innocent grin.

And your heart melts again your pride and joy.

That mischievous, wonderful treasure---your boy!!

A friend sent this to me today and when I was just about to google: Boarding School-Preschool! Five words: Graysen, Maddox, early morning, and fridge!

A place to hide

2008-09-17T17:36:00.000-07:00

I am hiding in my room. Today was a blah day around here. I feel grumpy. I feel tired. I feel like I really want to have McDonald...And whatever I get I want LARGE sized. ha ha ha

So as I sit here Maddox is in his room playing and Graysen is eating a carrot in the dining room.

M: Graysen come here I NEED you!

G: No I am busy

M: Graysen come here I NEED you! I'm in big trouble

G: Ok I will come.

I am a bad mother even though Maddox was in "big trouble" I still sat here reading TMZ and finding out that Heidi Klum has a beef with J Lo. Luckily we have blob that will keep the boys busy until daddy comes home, and I have an unopened bottle of wine, a new book, and a hot bath to crawl into.

It is only days away before he wire taps me

2008-09-16T13:39:00.000-07:00

We got this build-a-safe kit from Micheal's and we put it together today. It was really easy and lots of fun. This 20 minute project lead to hours of fun here at our house. Graysen and Maddox each had a section to screw together while I used all my muscles and held it tightly until it started to take shape of a box.

It has a lock door front and a top slit that you can easily slip "secret" papers into it. Since putting it together Graysen has gotten a spy kit together: The tools from the safe kit, the safe, his binoculars, a pad of paper, pencil, and his camera. How he knew to add these items to make a spy kit I have no idea?

While I was making lunch G and M were spy's. Taking notes and "pictures" of me making lunch and then locking up the info in the safe. I pretended to be extra sneaky so they would have something to spy on...I also did a silly dance so they could "photograph" it. They boys each worked out a sharing schedule so they could each have a turn putting their special secret stuff in the safe. Graysen gets it for 100 days and then Maddox gets it for 3 days.

I did finesse the schedule a bit and gave them each 3 days to have it before they had to pass it along to the other one.

Fantastic Friday!

2008-09-14T17:07:00.000-07:00

"Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised." (Micheal from The Office)

Why even at 30 years old are girls still always girls?

Friday's at Graysen's school are my day to work the classroom (Not to be confused with the 2 Wednesdays a month when I have yard duty from 1145 until 1). I was really worried about Maddox who has NEVER EVER stayed with anyone that he didn't know...I.E. Bailey, Corrina, and Lyndley. And then Graysen was ALWAYS with him. Ok so I was taken back to how he didn't care that I was leaving once he saw the huge fire truck toy they had. Graysen and I marched up the stairs to his classroom. I turned to my son for moral support as we both were going to weave through the politics of school-he left me! I had to to walk into the door alone as my son ran off to play Lego's with a group of other boys....I felt alone...like I was having one of those in front of the class naked dreams. I went to the Mom's Apron Station...Everything has a catchy little jingle and it's own station at Graysen's school.

Noooooo big deal JUST NEXT time I will have to set up my outfit around the BRIGHT RED apron with the HUGE station letter sprawled across my chest. I grab C and walk to my station. I am in charge of the entire Playhouse Station ....Each and every toy is located in this section. Each and every shoe, hat, and scarf of the dress ups. Each and every Lego, truck, and the inside jungle gyms. I try to lean up against the jungle gym trying to look cool. Like I do this all the time. And I know I have that weird nervous smile I get and if I did talk to anyone I would end each sentence with that annoying fake laugh I get. Just then I turn and I see a mom who did match her outfit to the apron walk into my playhouse area wearing the damn C apron! I do that smile and laugh thing trying to inch away to check the mom job station binder to see if I SOMEHOW made a horrible mistake!

Apron H The Outside Motor Development Station is where I am supposed to be! Nervous Laughter. I go outside to see that how "old moms" have stepped up to the plate and did my station set up. DAMNIT!

First thing is the Morning Circle Time and Groups.

My group went outside and played this ball catch game. Not bad..Had fun time. Little bummed that Graysen isn't in my group. But they do that on purpose. Snack time....Now I am feeling good from my groups and go back upstairs...You can totally see the old moms new moms. It is like the red sea. And in that moment I want all the old moms to like me and want to be my best friend..For their kids to love Graysen and be best friends....I had this deep down from the pit of my belly feeling that I HOPED they would all like me! I had to bitch slap myself and bring myself back to the real world!

School on the mom level is so far interesting...Graysen loves it. Maddox loves his babysitting set-up. Mommy's nervous how everything will go along...And Daddy he is happy that Graysen is so happy.

Families are like fudge - mostly sweet with a few nuts.

2008-09-11T00:15:00.000-07:00

I have this childhood idea of what my extended family was when I was a child..This may or not (some how) be some figment of my imagination. I am hoping that it is real cause when I think of it I am filled with this wonderful feeling of pure joy that I can only think is love.

I have this memory of my family: It is after Thanksgiving and we have eaten and the adults of my family are in the kitchen laughing, yelling, everyone talking at once, name that song game going on with a few different people it is just pure conversation at it's best. Everyone is there no one has gotten mad, moved or died.

My Uncle Dale sitting in the bar stool nearest to the phone. My Uncle Les next to him with my grandma in the third bar stool. My grandma is sitting her her arms crossed and wearing that grey sweatshirt jacket. My Aunt Mary leaning up against the end of the counter with my Uncle Greg kind of standing behind her. Laughing away and smiling. My Aunt Phyllis is standing on the opposite side of the counter facing everyone with a towel on her shoulder. She's calling everyone "Shril" "Mar" "Sande" "Beck" "Sha" in that perfectly cracked Aunt Phyllis voice. My Aunt Sandy on sitting at the table with her back slightly turned away from her sisters but Still sitting at the table with Kelly, Aunt Kathy, Geri, and myself calling us Dillas. While Amy stood up cause there wasn't enough seats.

The kids are playing in Devin's and Zac's room. Kids are always age order of 18 and under in my family. There back there playing the same games I played after Thanksgiving when I was a kid. Corrina May, Jessica, and Z-A-C are walking from room to room talking to each other in a whispered hush......

Everyone in that house was thinking the same thing..Man it's getting late and I have a 45 minute drive home but ONE MORE COKE AND WE'RE LEAVING!

No Shirts No Service!

2008-09-10T15:08:00.001-07:00

Maddox doesn't like shirts....

Maddox doesn't like under ware....

Maddox doesn't like the top button of his jeans buttoned....

Maddox doesn't like to eat peanut butter and jelly together....

Maddox likes to have sharpie drawn tiger scribbles all over his body....

Maddox likes only pink kitty cat vitamins from Trader Joes....

Maddox likes to dance to Leona Lewis while wearing his skunk costume....

Maddox likes to kiss animals on their mouths cause "That's wear you kiss"

I didn't learn anything I learned EVERYTHING

2008-09-09T13:03:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Graysen started his school! We enrolled him in a parent's co-op: Mon, Wed, and Fri for 3 hours int he morning. Fridays I am there with him slaving away in his classroom.
He was so excited when he woke up in the morning singing "I AM GOING TO SCHOOL". As we walked there Maddox ate a banana and Graysen carried his lunch, skipped, and told me everything he would be doing there. I nicely reminded him to hurry so we wouldn't be late.

As we walked to the school his teacher "Teacher Nancy" was ringing a massive old school bell and welcoming all the kids to their first day. We walked up the stairs and put his lunch in his cubbie and went over to the carpet to hear a song and have Teacher Nancy give us some reminders and then Mondays working parents went to their stations and the kids had free time....All other parents were asked to leave. I stood around chit chatting with some other mothers, meeting them and staring at my son who kissed and hugged me went off to start his day of playing and meeting new friends. I picked up Maddox and off we went downstairs..

Maddox started to scream as we reached the stroller crying "WE LEFT GRAYSEN!!! MY GRAYSEN MY GRAYSEN GO GET MY GRAYSEN MAMA GRAYSEN IS UP THERE GRAYSENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"

When it was time to get Graysen Maddox was happy and Graysen was happy to see us. We walked home where Graysen gave me a play by play of his day, friends, snacks, and told me he was so happy!

When Bailey came home Graysen informed him that "He didn't' learn anything. He learned everything!"

All that he can do and he is still human?!?!?!

2008-08-28T14:04:00.000-07:00

My husband has this sick obsession with Mark Walberg, I still like to refer to him as Marky Mark and every time I do my great and wonderful husband reminds me that he doesn't like to be called Marky Mark anymore. :)

To me each and every MM movie is the same....Just a normal guy who can do one thing above all men and is a god but he is still just a normal guy! Last night we watched a movie that is one of my husband's favs (he won't admit it but before we started watching he told me what a great movie this one was) While watching MM movies we have a routine I laugh and mock everything about the movie and Bailey goes on in great detail how each and everything MM does IS humanly possible. We laugh, watch, and cuddle....These are some of my favorite times. Being with my husband enjoying something he enjoys. The simplicity of our life. Even laughing and mocking MM is one of my favorite things....

And while I will never tell my husband this I kind of like Mark Walberg too!

It's alive

2008-08-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

So I have been away..Well not gone somewhere exotic or fun just gone from this spot. There were big changes over the summer....Some good some not so. Some so happy that I thought I was going to burst apart others so low I thought it all may end.

Bailey and I are great, we had some issues this past summer but we are working through them and things are better then ever... Sadly Bailey's mom suddenly passed away this summer and it was heartbreaking. I am so sad for my husband and children. My poor babies who aren't old enough to understand death (but then who IS?) but are old enough to understand we used to go over there and now we can't....Just thinking about them thinking baout her brings tears to my eyes.

Graysen is a semi reader and Maddox knows his M and everytime he sees it it just confirms his thought that EVERYONE LOVES MADDOX!

Glad to be back! Missed you all!!!

Birds and F words!

2008-04-24T16:45:00.000-07:00

Big Exciting News here on Elm Street!

Today this little brown bird that was feeding on the bird feeder outside came flying in the house via the kitchen window! I was wiping away pee stains on the toilet when I heard tweeting and thought man that sounds loud! I came out of the bathroom to see this little bird sitting on the TV looking around.

Now in a not so proud moment I I yelled F**K which then made the boys come running to tell me that was a bad word. I shhhh them and show them the bird..Maddox screams BIRDIEEEEEEEEE and wants it to sit on his finger. I walk slowly towards the screen door hoping to open it. The bird sees me and flies straight towards me slamming into the window before I could open it. I jump back into the hall as the bird flys around the dining room slamming into the screen door. I open the front door and beg the bird to PLEASE FLY TOWARDS THE DOOR. Now the boys are jumping up and down screaming "towards the door Ms Bird." Graysen grabs his angel bear and show the bird how to flap his wings.....I bravely try to make my second attempt to open the screen door. The bird is hyper tweeting and you can tell that she is FREAKED OUT.

Just then another bird just like her comes flying and sits on the railing and is tweeting back at the bird stuck inside. I beg out loud to the outside bird that it doesn't come flying in! Then the most amazing thing happens the inside bird flys close to the screen window sees and hears the outside bird and is directed towards the kitchen window and back to freedom!!! The boys and I jump up and down screaming you made it you made you made it! Then both birds sit on the feeder and eating away.

"No, I am your Father!"

2008-04-14T10:24:00.000-07:00

When I met Bailey he was NOT a huge Star Wars fan. Yeah, he had seen the movies and liked all the special effects but that was about how far his love for the movies went. Graysen LOVES Star Wars, he knows the characters, and has books, action figures, and he would watch all the movies in a row if we allowed it! So now Bailey is a fan. He will look up Star Wars facts to share with Graysen. He reads this DK book and has learned characters names and who, what, and where they appear in the movies. It is so cute to see them bond over something that in a normal situation Bailey wouldn't necessarily bond with someone over.

California Dreams

2008-04-11T18:58:00.002-07:00

"Growing up in northern California has had a big influence on my love and respect for the outdoors. When I lived in Oakland, we would think nothing of driving to Half Moon Bay and Santa Cruz one day and then driving to the foothills of the Sierras the next day."
-Tom Hanks.

We had a day like this today!
Bailey was home from work and we woke up to the most beautiful, sunny, warm amazing day. At 8 AM the sun was shinning and birds were singing! We left the house at about 1030 AM and weren't home until after 5 PM. We drove down to Palo Alto had a yummy lunch and went to the Junior Museum and Zoo. Played and admired the Rats, Bobcats, and Bats. Maddox's personal favorite the one eyed owl who likes to sit on the floor of her habitat.

After the zoo we went to the park and laid in the glass. We rolled around and dog piled daddy. Graysen and Maddox ran around without shirts. It was like a summer day. We then drove the long way home stopped to show the boys the school were daddy went, were daddy worked when we first got married, daddy's old house, and even where we lived when Graysen was born. Of coarse the boys were asleep but we had fun seeing how the houses had changed and the new performing arts center at Bay's high school. Days like this remind me how wonderful it is to be alive!

Can't I have a dream?

2008-04-10T18:09:00.000-07:00

I have a dream that I could come to the computer and sit for 5 minutes and look at anything I want without two little voices talking in my ear...One telling me something I OUGHT to know and the other agreeing.

I have a dream that I could lay in bed one whole day and watch cheesy reality TV.

I have a dream that I could do 20 minute errands IN 20 MINUTES!!!

At times like this I have to remind myself that I once had a dream to have a baby that loved me and I would give up everything that I ever knew to have....And hell I have two babies what a dream it is!

the saying is true you only see people at

2008-03-18T21:40:00.001-07:00

Funerals and Weddings.

This past week a great man I knew went home. Going to his funeral was like a flash back into time. Seeing people that I loved. People I grew up around. It was amazing to see everyone! So comforting but sad and scary all at once. Part of me wished that LCF still existed like in memory. Going to church at night....Barney singing (which is the most calming sound). Jean's voice praying for you...Michael's lisp as he talked. Ray playing the guitar. Sitting with my grandma. Everyone meeting up at Taco Bell afterwards. Sometimes that trip to the Denny's in your mind IS fun!

Why can't motherhood start at 10?

2008-03-11T09:22:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up to Maddox 2 inches from my face telling me he had to poop. My response to him was then go sit on the potty. Graysen laying across me whinnying about how hungry he is and how he has "never ever eaten tooooooodayyyyyyyyyy". I get up and slowly make my way to the kitchen passing Maddox on the potty reading a book on rats. While in the middle of making oatmeal I hear Maddox calling me and so nicely informing me that he has poop on IT! IT??!?!?! I run into the bathroom to see Maddox with an entire roll of toilet paper all over the bathroom, and poop all over the toilet, hand, and leg! I tell him not to touch, move, or breath! I run back to the kitchen, stir the oatmeal, back to bathroom and start shower. Back to kitchen to stir the oatmeal (all while stepping over Graysen who has decided that it would be helpful to lay across the hallway with his feet on the wall singing about how hungry he is) Get Maddox in the shower and go back to the kitchen to put the oatmeal in the bowls and grab those cleaning wipe things. As I am knee deep in poop, Graysen tells me that he wants to take a shower too so he gets in bringing 20 toys, a baseball bat, and goggles with him. DEEP BREATHE...Back to poop.. Phone rings..Oh of coarse the caller id isn't picking up the number. And it is the Police Activities League. I inform them that my two year old has poop all over the bathroom and my 4 year old is trying to bring his blanket into the shower to make a tent and if they could call me later. Before they hang up they ask if I would like to donate any money! DEEP BREATHE " Sure if you call me in a hour I will write you a check for 1 million dollars!" Damn I wish Starbucks delivered!

Let the memory live again

2008-02-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentines Day Everyone! Today we started our day off with yummy homemade strawberry shakes (made with soy of coarse since Maddox can't have dairy!) The boys watched a Valentines's DVD that we got from the library. Then we made a tent! A good ol' fashion one made from a sheet. :) It made me think about when I was a kid and Corrina and I would take two chairs and a sheet. Drape it over and play inside. We would always try to think of ways to prevent the tent from falling in. And it would end of frustrating us as it would either fall on us or a side would slip off and we would have a half of a tent. The boys loved it. Maddox didn't get that you couldn't stand on top of it and he broke it several times. But he learned that it was so much fun playing inside and pretending we were bears and it was our cave! ROAR!!!!!

2008-02-06T00:30:00.001-08:00

As a family we have been talking a lot about the upcoming election. Graysen has really gotten into a mild watered down US History. It has been fun to talk about history with him. It is a personal favorite of mine! He really likes learning about the presidents and he has decided that he is going to be "President Forever" I haven't had the heart to tell him that is a dictator.

Today we went to vote for our state's primary when we got to the polling place Graysen proudly tells everyone and anyone (repeatedly) who will listen that: George Washington was the first president and he is dead. Each time he said dead he said it in a funnier, deeper, gruffer, more monstrous voice. Which made people stop and stare at us. Some laughed and some gave that gasp look which means they are totally appalled. I don't' know why people have such a hard time hearing children talk about death. I was proud-Washington was the first president and he is dead....Now if I can just get Maddox to say George Bush is a Warlord. ;)

Never a dull moment

2008-01-23T23:32:00.000-08:00

This morning Maddox cut his thumb after 20 minutes, 3 band aids, and both Bay and myself applying pressure it finally stopped bleeding. During this time Maddox WAS NOT a happy camper! Graysen was trying his best to be a great helper: talking to Maddox, rubbing his back, and running back and forth getting more toilet paper. All seemed fine and well-flash forward to 945 pm tonight when his finger starts gushing out blood, him screaming and shaking. I call Bailey (who is STILL working nights) tell him that I am going to take Maddox to the ER at Sequoia Hospital and that I would call him once I got there. Graysen gets into Big Brother mode; gets his jacket and shoes and then tells Maddox is this super calm voice "We are going to the ER and they are going to make you better! OK?" (Graysen's only experience with the ER is when he had CP) Maddox totally listens to Graysen stops crying and they both look at me. I rinse Maddox's thumb looking at the cut. It's not deep enough for stitches-what would the ER do besides send me a huge bill? I call bay back and tell him we are not going to the ER-Poor guy!

Long story short-We re-band aid it and now the boys are watching a magic school bus movie and munching on popcorn.

Poor Maddy!

Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A. Today was a good day!

2008-01-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had the best day with the boys! We got up at 8 AM to the smell of freshly brewed coffee! I finally pre-programed my maker. It is a dream to wake up t hot yummy coffee. We made breakfast together, ate, and cleaned up. We were whistling while we were working. :) After breakfast we read a gorilla book, talked about how we can save gorillas they are "critically endangered" . We looked up online about how to adopt one and we signed up. We will be getting our information packet in a few weeks. Graysen is really excited and already has asked SEVERAL times when his gorilla pictures was coming!!!! Cut and pasted a gorilla picture and letters. Drew our own gorillas. After all that we talked about how to spell G-O-R-I-L-L-A and how that starts with G and how Graysen starts with G. Graysen practiced writing G's. He was doing such a good job and was having such a good time writing. It is so cool to see how Graysen knows that there are letters and those letters make up words and you can read words. I love seeing the wheels in his mind turning!

That's MY boy!

2008-01-17T22:09:00.000-08:00

Today we were at the park meeting some friends (smiles and waves!!!) and Maddox is running around being his normal chipper self stops in mid run laughs to himself then sticks his butt out and screams " I bummy you" to whom you ask? The entire park!!! He then spanks his own butt. Then Graysen laughs and yells "My brother is bumming you!" I look around and see 5 moms look at Maddox and break into laughter...I laugh back and say That's my boy!

You know your next in line for rehab when....

2008-01-17T10:21:00.000-08:00

You are banging on the side of your coffee pot begging it to brew faster! Enough said about today and it is only 10:26 AM!

Yeah I am going there.....

2008-01-15T20:05:00.001-08:00

Tonight I turned on the TV tonight and I got the last few minutes of some tabloid show and of coarse they were talking about Britney Spears......It is her and some guy walking into some Deli in LA and she is walking behind this guy and following him through out the deli like a lost little girl. At one point there is a mother and a daughter in front of them and for a split second Britney stares at this mother-daughter hugging and talking and just looks and gives this smile but it isn't a happy smile it is a sad smile....For that split second it is heart breaking to me...Is she thinking about her own lost mother daughter embraces cause she was the one responsible for feeding her family? Or was she thinking about her own little babies and how she is in some deli with some guy with 50 lights flashing at her all wanting her to be crazy so they can sell some picture.... Everyday you hear Joe Bob and Sally Sue make comments about how she is throwing her life away and it will end in a tragedy-Fire and Brimstone! It makes me sad...Sad for someone who I don't even know and who I will never know. But we are both woman..both mothers to two little boys... both in our twenties....Makes me want to pray for her as lame as that it.

Welcome to the Jungle....Baby!

2008-01-11T20:27:00.000-08:00

This morning I took the boys to this indoor jumpy castle place for the morning jump and there was this woman there with her son......UGH! She was one of those women who do not see any flaws in her child and go about her agenda no matter if the roof is falling in. Her son was torturing all the other children as he hit,bit, pushed down, and ran around kicking. Every few minutes she would call him over to her and offer him Hawaiian Punch. I wanted to scream before she came over to me! Then as I was standing there enjoying my children I saw her out of the corner of my eye. It started off with Your daughter is so cute. I explained that she was a he..Then it was are their twins? No, there are 18 months apart.....Then the question Ohh is he in school? Pointing to Graysen. No he isn't in school. Then the gasp about how she has had her son in a academic preschool for 3 years now and he is going to be starting in a kindergarten prepareness class this spring but she is worried because it is a 5 day a week thing and blah blah blah she wouldn't want him to have to repeat it. I looked over to her son who was pulling on another kid while that kid was screaming....but hell at least he has been in a academic preschool!

Speaking of birthdays

2008-01-11T00:02:00.000-08:00

Graysen is having a party later this month...And he is already telling me how the entire day is going to go, who will be here, what he is getting as gifts, and about the cake!

He has picked a Tranformer theme party...He has already asked me about a million times if today is his party (he has only been four since Tuesday). It is so funny to see him so excited.

We were first planning his party at this local kid gymnastic place but he told me that he wanted to have his friends over his house and have a jumpy castle so he can "jump jump jump all day"! So I lost my deposit (which I had on the place since October..I know but the OCD in me got the better of me!) Now I am having about 30 people here are my house. Fun Fun Fun!

Even when I am a grown up!

2008-01-10T23:32:00.000-08:00

Today Graysen and I were sitting on the couch before bed and he told me that he wanted to cuddle with me so I grabbed him and we had a cuddle moment. Graysen looked up at me and said "even when he is a grown up he is going to cuddle with me every day-forever". The look in his eye was beautiful his little eyes were sparkling and he had this smile that spread across his face. I told him that I will always cuddle with him no matter if he is an old man with a wife and kids; anytime he needs it I will be there. His answer was: OK good! (With a firm head shake)

Moments like this I wish I could bottle to save for later....It goes by too fast. Four years have already gone by and I can't remember everything...In another four will I remember this conversation?

2008-01-01T22:26:00.000-08:00

Happy New Years!

I can't believe that 2007 is over and 2008 has begun. Last night we went to my cousin's house and partied until 7 minutes after midnight and then took the boys home. I had had 8 beers that night and was begging Bay to go to Jack in a box..I felt like Will Ferrall in Old School "You think KFC is still open?" When we got home we watch Waitress and I fell in love with it. It was a very good New Years Eve! And I am happy to state that my children were up until 1230 and slept in until 11! And I woke up without a hangover...Which only can mean one thing drinking should be more of a regular thing for me. Since it is in my genes anywhooo.. LOL

So with a new year here I am going to (just like everyone else on the planet) going to be a new me. I am going to try to have more of a schedule and hopefully with that new schedule I will be more organized. I am craving these things and I hope that I can achieve them. WISH ME LUCK!

I also want to be a better mother...Not that I don't think I am a good mother just I want to be better...to not yell...to not lose my mind at the small things. TO be grateful that I have beautiful happy children who adore me. And not in any order to be the best wife that I know I can be. To give more of myself even when I feel like I am empty. Cause there shouldn't be a reason that I feel empty when I have so much to fill me. To remember that out of all the men in the world that I could be with I choose him and I should happy that we are here on this boat together even if at times it feels like we are sinking....

Best wishes to you in 2008! I hope that it brings you joy and happiness but above all of this I wish you love.....and I will always love youuuuuuuuuuu (reaching a sound only dogs can hear and I can hear them in a distant howling!) Thank you Miss Whitney!

Happy Winter!

2007-12-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

Baby It's Cold Outside!

In celebration to the coming winter and the longest night of the year we made a beautiful wreath from twigs, leaves, and grass that we collected from a local park close to our house. We made a yummy sun cake that was decorated with yellow and orange M&MS. I think the decorating was the boys favorite part! By the end of the night Maddox had a permanent yellow ring around his mouth. Before we ate it we each rang a bell and told each other our favorite part of winter:

Mine-The darkness and pitch dark of the night. Seeing your breath and wearing scarfs.

Bailey-People needing heat and him being busy with work.

Graysen-Jumping in puddles.

Maddox-Splashing Graysen and eating cake.

Then we ended our night by setting up our tree. It was a perfect way to celebrate winter.

Am I hanging up my coat?

2007-12-14T01:03:00.000-08:00

I had a dream the other night that made me lay in bed thinking for hours afterward. I think I am done having children. I think the mama part of my heart of filled to the brim and can't grow anymore. I love the children I have now. And when I look to the future it is very hard to see other children packed into this family. I love the group of four that we are...I love being the only girl surrounded by these beasts I call my family. Who knows..It may of been the laughing gas talking but the more I think (and believe me I have been doing nothing BUT thinking about it!) the more I like the knowing and understanding my body and I have....

I even love the way it sounds DeeeSemBurrr!

2007-12-14T00:51:00.000-08:00

“God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December.”

December..December..December. This is always a strange month for me. It is a month that brings many people sorrow and it should me. There is something magical about this time that makes me feel more alive then any other month. Like I am filled with excitement, joy, happiness. I love each and everyday of December. It should be a sad month for me...The Holidays-the missing of my grandma and mother. Not only do I have the death of my mother but a few days later is her birthday. But I have wonderful memories when I first met Bailey, the end of my pregnancy with Graysen and being this wanna-be Martha Stewart all fat, grumpy, hungry and very pregnant. Going back further in life, I have wonder memories of an old flame, actually it seems that in December all relationships that I have had really start in December-funny! December is a good month

Graysen and Sara

2007-11-15T10:57:00.001-08:00

Graysen has made his first friend that I had no part in helping him make ( by either my friends children or playgroups). We met her at the park a few weeks ago and they played the entire day together! So we now have an on going date with her each Wednesday. It is funny; she is this wild outgoing little bug of a girl. He runs around the park like she owns the place dictating other children to play what she wants. This one boys was wearing a baseball hat and she goes up to him and says "I'm wearing this now" and placed it on her head! She turns four on the first on January, Graysen turns four on the eighth They play everything from slides to this funny version of pretend house. Which is a crack up. Even Maddox likes her- I think it was cause taught him how to semi climb a tree. :)

I love that he is finding his own place in this world!

It's my birthday and I cry if I want too!

2007-10-11T14:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the day I was born. 10/10...It always seems so special cause it is backwards and forwards the same. My birthday it is always this weird,strange,bittersweet time for me. I always get gloom in eye and heart feels heavy. I try my hardest to not get this way but it overcomes me. People always want to celebrate but I would rather spend it in a hotel room alone laying in bed and reading some novel of despair. That is what I somewhat did I took a burning hot bath, so hot that you think your insides might by cooking, and read Celebrity Detox. My children and husband were sleeping and I crept through the house afterwards looking around and thinking "WOW I'm 27! 27 years ago my mother gave birth to me....All of her hopes and dreams gone.'' I was once told that my mother's craziness really started after I was born. Maybe it is guilt I feel on my birthday-guilt of ending someones life. Hmmm. I should talk to my therapist about that. Maybe he will confirm the thoughts that I am crazy?!?! ;0)

Put on your party bumps!

2007-09-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today we had several chicken pox parties. I had some people over that I knew from my AP mom's group but then I invited over moms I never met-from like minded boards though. Which is so strange for me cause I am private in such a weird way. To open my home and my children's disease..LOL

Tonight at dinner Bay and I were talking about it and how weird it was to say come on over here I am play with us, share a straw with us, rub up against us. Hmmmm...I didn't second guess myself in the moment but now I am- I don't know why...

Anyway-I am reading this book, Kids Are Worth It! And IF I don't go further then the first chapter it was worth it. I learned do much from it. I have pages of notes, Bay and I read it out loud and AGREED on what she was saying. Which is saying much cause he HATES parenting books and finds most of them to be BS.

When I read these types of books it makes me WISH I had a mom to go to and shoot off parenting ideas, my dad and Alisha don't count. My dad can't even tie his shoes. I wouldn't take his advice on what tee shirt to wear let alone how to raise my kids. And Alisha-NO COMMENT! I try to think how would of my mom or grandma handled this and while I wasn't raised in an AP manner, I was loved by my grandma if nothing else, and she always handled everything with love. That is my goal- LOVE and (thank you Barbara Coloroso) Dignity! :)
http://www.kidsareworthit.com/

Little Red Hen!

2007-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

Graysen has chicken poxs and any day now Maddox will pop!

I don't know where we got them or from who but we do!

Yesterday we were at Twin Pines and Graysen came up to me and told me his back itched. I scratched his back and then a few minutes later he came back to me crying about his back itching. I take off his shirt and from neck to butt there was what I thought were hives. We left and took an oatmeal bath. Woke up today and the hives were still there. Slowly throughout the day they started to creep all over his body. We go to the Drs and they say CHICKEN POXS!

I am happy, I knew we were going to get them sooner or later...I am just not looking forward to Drama King-Maddox being knee deep in spots!

This is You Life

2007-09-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

When I was little I used to play a lot of pretend. One of my favorite pretend games that I would get lost into was: I would pretend that I was an alien on a mission to this planet to learn about humans. I could talk to my planet through this telephone located on the scar on my right wrist. I would play this for hours, watching people and being lost in my own mind. I was comforted by the thought that I was an alien and had this alien family waiting for me back home.

The infamous scar!

When I was about 6 years old I was being "baby-sat" by some woman that my father was dating. I cried about being starving so she made me some pasta but because she was an alcoholic drug user or more likely both; her sink was beyond dirty as was her house. And as any responsible adult would do she asked me to hold the colander while she poured the hot water in to drain the pasta. The steam bothered her and the pot slipped out of her hands landing all over my hands, arms and splattered on my face. Then she freaked out and put my arms under the water, which did nothing but intensify the burn process. Hours later when my grandma came to pick me up she saw my wrists, which were burned....welted...and raw. You could se my insides from my outside! My grandma took me to the ER where I had to stay the night and have semi skin graph.

The skin on the under part of my wrist is thin and you can see and feel every vein. The sides and the top are speckled and the speckled part is this perfect band across my wrist.

As I have gotten older it is harder to tell it is there, which makes me sad cause I love that piece of me. I find it beautiful and reminds me of my childhood perfectly. Fragile-Damaged-Special-Unique. Everything that I am.

Look MOM!!

2007-08-12T18:10:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how your children grow right before your eyes. How they start off as this little baby who can't do anything without you. They need you for everything. I thought that that concept would scare me but I relish in it. I am grateful for it. I am amazed how as you feed, love, and guide them they turn into their own people. With their own thoughts and feelings. Likes and Dislikes but yet they are at times a "mini you". LOL Being able to spend all of my time with my children has been such a blessing to me. Thanks Bailey for all your hard work and allowing me to be able to be a SAHM.

Graysen is really starting to become an artist. He is starting to draw people with eyes and legs! They are so cute. The other night I was sitting on the couch with Maddox and Graysen and Bailey were coloring; Graysen brought me his picture. It was a large circle with two circle's inside, 2 lines coming off the big circle and then another set of little circles on the lines. Behind that drawing was a smaller circle and lines coming off of it. I asked him what he picture was and he told me that the big circle was me and pointed to my "glasses" and he even drew my Meme's (they were the circles on the lines, and the lines were arms and legs. The little drawing behind "me" was Maddox who was sitting on my lap. I placed this drawing inside his baby book and I am going to keep it forever!

Be kind to your teeth and they will be kind to you!

2007-08-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

A few months ago Bailey chipped a side back tooth and of coarse did nothing about it. He went to the dentist a few weeks ago and she said that he would need a root canal. Of coarse he did nothing. So Saturday morning he woke up with his face 2 times the normal size and our dentist is closed on the weekend. His face seemed to go up and down in size, I was pretty worried and wanted him to go to the ER. Monday we went in to the dentists and they drained it, said it was a tooth abscess, and that he need to be on antibiotics. The following Monday he had the appointment for the root canal. It seemed to get a little better but then Tuesday night the left side of his face was 5 times the normal size and his eye was closing shut. He looked like the hunchback of Norte Dame! LOL! Straight to the ER where they gave him a heavy does of an antibiotic and pain reliever shot. Tuesday morning back into the office where he had to be seen by a dental surgeon and have the tooth removed by the root! Now he is the toothless wonder.

This picture is after the draining and before the real swelling!

Graysen went to HIS Graceland!

2007-07-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went away for the semi weekend. The we was: Graysen, Maddox, Marissa (I have known this woman for 10 years give or take, and she is 18 years older then me but we have a real friendship. She was there for me as a teenager when I just needed a friend to listen to me and now as a wife and mother when I just need someone to listen to me. She was my church youth group leader at one time, but we have always had a special friendship. She got married later in life, had her first and only child 4 years ago. ) Bella, and myself.

We went and stayed at the Marriot in Santa Clara; Thursday through today. On Friday we drove to Santa Cruz and went to the Day with Thomas the Train at Roaring Camp. We had the BEST time! They had different stations where you could get face painting, Thomas tattoos, bounce house, hay maze, story time, a meet and greet with Sir Topham himself! Graysen thought he was creepy and wouldn't go near him but Maddox ran to him with open arms hugging and kissing! But the crown jewel of the day was a real train ride driven by Thomas! We sat in Annie and Claribel while Thomas drove us on a 30 minute ride through the Santa Cruz forest.

After the ride the kids got to have their picture and got up close to Thomas. Graysen cried not cause he was scared but cause he was so excited. He needed to spend an extra moment with him and told him he loved him and touched the train. I wanted to cry to see my little one so happy. That smile on his face will be burned into my memory.

It was a really fun weekend in general. Stayed in a hotel....Ordered room service.....swam in the pool...saw Thomas...and went to Great America! I am tired! My boys are exhausted! I am glad to be HOME..But it was a great time!!!!!!

It will always be a bittersweet time of year

2007-07-11T00:34:00.000-07:00

Wow! It has been two years since my grandma passed away. I will always be able to count the days as I add another year on to my son's age. That hurts. It seems wrong. It's not fair. I try not to think about the fact that two weeks to the day Maddox was born she was gone.
There are times when it feels like she is still alive and I can pick up the phone to call her. There have been a few times when I have dialed that old familiar phone number and still after two years no one has it. There are times when the emptiness and pain of knowing she is gone is as raw and fresh as the day she died. And there is a guilt as I go on with my life where I don't think about her and it is like I never knew her at all. It is hard to think that I have the rest of my life without her. Or that Graysen and Maddox will never know her love for them. Will never hear her voice and passion as she prays for them or the soft shyness of her singing. Will never hear her potty mouth that made you laugh. Or will never play a April Fool's joke on her just to scare her. Or will never argue with her. Those are the same things that I will never get to do too.
It is true now that she is gone there isn't anyone who loves me enough cause she loved me more then anyone. I am grateful that I knew that love. That I was shown that love and I can love others with that same intensity no matter what they do, who they are, where there from.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport

2007-07-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Not really that is a quote from Henry Youngman.

I had 5 wonderful years without ever having to deal with a mother in law and now I have to deal with her all the time! I thought when we let her back into our lives that it would be baby steps not seeing her every weekend! Well, I lie I don't have to see her every weekend BUT every Sunday that I work Bailey and the boys have breakfast with her and then go to the park. I do want my boys to have a relationship with her cause I loved my grandma and have many happy and cherished memories of her and the relationship we had. BUT my mother in law is not my sweet,loving, kind grandma she is a passive aggressive evil witch who wants to take my ruby slippers and lock me in a tower!

It all really started Thursday when she called to tell me that Bailey asked her out to dinner and that she wasn't feeling good but wanted to take us out to dinner tomorrow "even though I would be there" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? Even though I would be there...

Then this weekend Bailey's dad made a surprise trip down here and wanted us all to go out to dinner last night. WHICH WAS WEIRD cause Bay's dad and I had a failing out after I go upset with him for only seeing Graysen once and never seeing Maddox 2 Thanksgivings ago, Joe and Lori ( Bay's mom and dad) don't " get along" they are nice but it is this fake when is this over niceness. And Lori and I have a forced relationship. While at the restaurant waiting for Joe I told Maddox he couldn't have anymore chips cause he wouldn't eat his dinner and Lori kept giving them to him. And guess what Maddox only ate 3 bites of his dinner!!! Lori suggested that we order the boys food first both Bay and I told her that it wouldn't be a good idea cause then they would eat and be finished before everyone else and be ready to go. 5 mins after telling her this she calls the waitress over and tells her that we want to order the boys food. I then have to tell the waitress ''No Thank You" and explain to Lori again that I don't want them to eat first. Then after dinner we are standing outside and Lori tells Joe that her, Bailey, and the boys should come up there to see him! I turn around to look at her ok to give her a dirty back off look and she smiles this overly sweet smile and says oh to give Becca a weekend alone. I then tell her that I enjoy spending the weekend with MY family.

Bay thinks I am being overly sensitive to the whole thing maybe I am but I do know that every time I am talking to Bay she interrupts us to ask us what we are talking and then has to tell Bay something and every time that I tell my kids something she does the opposite of of I have told them. It makes me want to scream LISTEN BITCH THIS IS MY FAMILY YOU CAN'T OUT WIFE OR MOTHER THEM!" and then loosen the screws of her walker.

Ok maybe that was too much!?!

Breaking up is hard to do

2007-05-29T14:38:00.000-07:00

Lyndley is moving out....It hasn't been this huge drama and it hasn't just gone quietly into the night either. I am unsure on how I feel about the whole thing.
This is how it started about the same time that we moved into our new place she found herself this new boyfriend. I really know nothing about him since I only met him once. Since they started dating she has spent every single moment of her time with him. She has only been here a few days since moving here. The month of April she didn't sleep here once. It has been a hard transition I feel like I am losing my best friend. She and I spent a lot time together and now that is gone...I feel used like she was only my friend cause she had no one else to hang out with. That hurts. It hurts me that she doesn't spend any time with the boys and they ask about her and ask to see her.

She is supposed to be out the first of July. It will be weird. I wonder how we will ever see her when we don't now and she still lives here....We had this little group of family that we had built and it is breaking...This is how it must feel when your children go off to college....

I hate the bank!

2007-05-09T20:15:00.000-07:00

So when we moved I ordered new checks from the bank. They get here finally after being delayed by a month! I write all our bills out and mail them not thinking anything. Get a call from the bank today informing me that they had to reject all my check cause the wrong account number was on the checks...That means my rent "bounced". So embarrassing....I had to call our landlord and explain to her the whole situation, luckily she laughed and told me to bring her the money by Monday and is nice enough to not charge us any fees and will still let us write rent checks. But now I have to deal with the 10 other people I wrote checks too!!!

Thank you Nanci Griffith

2007-05-01T17:51:00.000-07:00

I want a simple life
Like my mother
One true love for my older years
I don’t want your wars
To take my children
I want a simple life…while I’m here
The sun and moon walk hand in hand together
Trading places shining on the truth
The moon moves the bottoms of the oceans
So, the sun can bring a farmer’s hands to you
We all seek comfort in the light of day
And our tears can wash off in the rainEverything we need is all around us
In simple time and simple ways
Mother nature talks
Whispering her thoughts
So the paths we choose to cross
Walk one more day

"She's gone with the man in the long black coat"

2007-05-01T17:14:00.000-07:00

I haven't spoken to Corrina since we had that big huge fight and she opened her mouth and I had to open my back. Sunday is her birthday and she turns 21. Wow! It seems unreal that she is turning 21. My heart breaks for her. Where is she in life? Where is she going? She has no real support. She is lost in the wind and has no hopes, dreams, wishes, or wants. Makes me sad. This is someone that I shared my childhood with. This is someone who knew my dreams before anyone else. She knows my story. And I know hers. Ours are written within each other. We played for hours riding bikes, pretending, just being kids. Now that is all gone and she isn't that person. Hell I guess I am not either. If I could go back in time just one day from when we were kids and see us again so full of hope and love not knowing that there were people in this world that would hurt us and that one day we would grow up and be alone. I would go back to that day at the fair when we were both scared on the ride, but still laughing and making each other smile making up songs to sing on the rides. Being kids so full of innocence. That is the day I would go back and see us at. Before the fire. Before boys, Before my grandma was gone. Before life. I do miss her and I do love her but there is nothing I can do to change anything.

Stand Up and Make a Change

2007-04-25T10:33:00.000-07:00

I can't handle this administration anymore! It is enough to make me want to move to another country and never let anyone know that I am an American. Bush and his people are an embarrassment!! Something must be done! How can we as Americans stand by and allow Bush to continue his EVIL regime! WE talk about terrorists like they are men who speak another language and have mysterious beards, and lurk in dark airport hallways but NO they are white, speak English, and are where everyone can see them! How can we stand by and allow him to send another daughter, son, sister, brother, mother, father to a country to die! How can we stand by and allow him to wipe away our Bills Of Rights! I never thought going to Iraq was a good idea....I never thought Bush was a good idea.....I only can hope that we as Americans can make the right choice for our next president!

I know this special quite time is changing as you turn from baby to boy before my eyes

2007-04-19T15:42:00.000-07:00

I know that when I am an old lady I miss the way your head felt in the crease of my arm and how your little hand felt across my back as we shared a midnight snack
I know that when I am an old lady I will still hear the sounds of your lips in the dark
Your little naked body curled up next to mine breathing in sync
I know that when I am an old lady I will freeze under the covers but not from your toes that you race up my belly but from the wind that carries memories into eternity

When I am gone you will be an old man will you still remember that I cried when I looked down and saw you there peacefully sleeping not a care in the world knowing that your mommy was there?

And I think to myself

2007-04-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful life!

As you lay sleeping the couch your lil body snuggled up into a ball

I can hear your breath ruffling against the pillow

You chest rises and falls in time with the rocking on my chair as I watch you sleeping

I think to myself what a gift

What a joy you have been to me

You are everything I could ever want hope or need

I amazed still afer 3 years that you saved me like you did

You made me

2007-03-15T21:16:00.000-07:00

So I am loving our new set up! Bailey asked to be laid off so we could get unemployment and keep our health insurance (The Union will still insure us if he is laid off) We are all home together, co-parenting. I have taken a small part time job just so we will have some extra cash. I love it!! We are now in a direction where we are talking/dreaming about the way we want our life to go....Our dream right now is moving to some beach and being bums in a bungalow!

2007-03-08T13:54:00.000-08:00

Last night I was laying in bed: Bailey, Graysen, Me, and Maddox in that order. Listening to Bailey's CPAP machine, Graysen coughing, Maddox sucking and we were all sweating like pigs. I knew that all my hopes, wishes, and dreams have come true.... Everything my heart always wanted has come true.

Times they are a changing

2007-03-01T10:07:00.000-08:00

Bailey is rethinking is career and where he wants to be...what he wants for his family. He works sometimes 7 days a week, is stressed out from work. We want to have more shared parenting and a simpler lifestyle. We want to have time for each other as a family. I am scared....I want these things too but Bailey is the only one that works so that scares me! But everything will be ok cause I have faith in my hubby! I love him!!!

Graysen and Maddox are growing and changing so much each day. I am truly blessed to be their mother. Even though I am worried and a bit stressed I would never change my life with anyone else's. And I am grateful to be me!!

My life has changed!

2007-02-15T17:18:00.001-08:00

Graysen turned 3 and I have no idea who he is! He went to bed on the 7th my sweet, easy going loving guy and woke up this yelling at all times, must do everything himself no matter what bully! I pray every day while searching the internet for preschool boarding schools!
We found a possible reason to why Maddox is not talking. His pedi thinks he may have an ear/hearing issue and we have to go and have all these tests done. It is such a relief to finally have an idea why he isn't talking as much as other children his age.
We moved! It was bittersweet. Leaving the home were we had became a family, celebrated so much...But we will have new memories and new creations at our new house!
Bay is having a mini melt down and wants to get some sort of new job. He is getting burnt out and this Monday will be a nice mini vacation for him.
I am pushing my self out of this funk that I had been going through. I have been feeling depressed, missing my grandma, there is this tension inside me that I can feel building and building. Maybe it is the lack of sex???

Blowing in the wind

2006-12-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

So this past Tuesday I cut my babies hair and I am heart broken. The little baby fluff of curls are gone. I am hoping not forever and that when it grows it still grows curly. I didn't want to cut them off but the hairdresser did by "mistake". The difference is night and day, he looks so grown up. My baby is gone and there is a toddler in front of me. It makes me feel just simply sad. It makes me miss the little baby that he was and makes me want another baby so bad. Then last night, at Bay's company holiday party, I was asked if we were going to have any more kids and I went on for 10 minutes how I would love to have another one right now but the timing is not right blah blah blah. Hearing me say this some what upset me and I thought is there ever a right time to have a baby? Is anything ever picture perfect when you have a baby? No...things are always confusing, hard, lonely, scary, fulfilling, and the best reason blissful.

I have to brag about my darling hubby, Bailey. I am such a lucky girl to have found him. He is truly my perfect match...We have such a connection, such a draw to be with each other. To have him around me makes me so happy and I count down the time until I get to see him when he is at work. I wish we had tons of money so he didn't have to work so we could be together everyday. Last night I had way too much to drink at his company's dinner. Well it was more the after party at the bar down the street with just a few friends from work. And I drank! I get sick on the way home and puke with my head out the window. It was gross. He carried me in and helped me shower before sending me to bed. I woke up this working still all groggy and yucky!!! It really sucked!!! Bay took the boys to the Chiropractor with him and I asked him to get Togo's-cause only that will help my hangover! Not thinking that it was only 830 in the morning and Togo's is NOT open. After an hour and a half I called Bay asking him where he and the boys were, and he tells me that they are waiting for Togo's to open at Twin Pines Park and to go back to bed and sleep!!! I was never MORE in love with him when I hung up.

After re-reading my declaration to the world I noticed that I type SO a lot....Soooo does this mean I say SO a lot when I talk. I removed them all! I will have to pay attention to myself when I am talk to see.

Santa and the babies

2006-12-08T14:21:00.000-08:00

So yesterday we go to see Santa and the whole time we are walking there Graysen is telling Bay and myself how he is going to sit on Santa's lap and tell him he wants the Sesame Street tools and Santa is going to say ok and say Ho ho ho...Maddox is singing Ho ho ho...Bay and I are hopeful that we will get a pic of the boys with Santa. We get there....... Graysen's legs are stiff and we have to nudge him a little to walk up to Santa. Maddox is fine. Graysen gets in Santa's lap and is stiff as a board and can't/won't speak. Maddox looks at Santa gives this nervous smile looks around and starts to cry! He looks at me and stops looks at Santa starts. We get a few pictures. Santa asks Graysen what he wants and Graysen yells Elmo Tools then jumps off and runs away! LMAO!!!
We got three different pics the two where Maddox is not crying the boys look so scared and then the other and last one Maddox is crying. :)

Mystery Mom

2006-12-08T10:50:00.000-08:00

So my mother's anniversary of her death is coming up...It is crazy how much I miss her. I never thought since giving our history that I would...But my heart yearns for her, yearns for a mother I never had. The mother I dreamt and wished I did.
I was trying to remember her voice the other day and I can't. I can't think of anything she would of said. I can't think of the way she stood or how she brushed her hair. I can't tell you anything about her, but she was my mother and no matter what her mind was telling her or what mood she was in all SHE ever wanted was to be a mother, wife, and have this perfect life. And she loved me more then anyone in this world. Much more then she ever loved herself. And good or bad everything she did was for me.

Taking classes

2006-11-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

So I am signing up to take some night classes this coming up January. I am thinking about going two nights a week?!?! Maybe taking a computer class and a math class. I am also thinking about taking telecourses which I would watch at home do the work and meet like every few weeks on my own time with the teacher! I am really excited about this!!! I just have to figure out what classes, Bay's schedule and actually sign up for them!!!

Besides bettering myself ( which I always push everyone else to do) I think it will be good for the boys to have some daddy time and let Bay know what I do all day too!!!

Finally we are well!

2006-11-25T10:51:00.000-08:00

The boys woke up with laughter, screams, and songs! YEAH my boys are finally themselves! I was getting really worried about them..especially Graysen who pretty much laid in a pile all week and didn't move. But they are dancing and hugging now. It is so stressful when your kids are sick and there isn't a thing you can do to make them feel better.

It is crazy to see these two little boys grow from babies to toddlers. They are so amazing. They have games that they play, songs that they sing. And Graysen always knows what Maddox wants.

Right now they are wrestling on the bed; Maddox is on top of Graysen trying to push him off the bed. Ugh the joys of having boys close in age! I foresee my future!

Today is Thanksgiving?

2006-11-23T16:33:00.000-08:00

Hmmm? It sure doesn't feel like Thanksgiving......Graysen, Maddox, and Lyndley are battling the stomach flu and have been throwing up for 2 days. Corrina went to San Jose, and Bay and I are here.
It feels like a normal Saturday or Sunday around here. We are having shrimp and crab for dinner instead of a traditional meal. I usually cook Thanksgiving dinner for just us but cause of the flu going around, and we thought we were going to go to my aunt's. I didn't get anything. This was going to be my aunt's last Thanksgiving, there is a rumor that she is moving to Hawaii or something like that.

Holidays seemed much more magical when I was a kid. You had such a build up to each one....Each new holiday brought a new promise....A day off school, time with your cousin's playing, presents, candy....All that is good, and pure to a child. I miss that awe and wonder. It will be sad that all I knew as a kid my own children won't know. They won't know the happiness you feel when you turned onto Wisteria and you knew you were almost there.........The huffs you blew when you couldn't find a spot soon enough and the race to the front door to see everyone. The Hi's, the hugs and kisses from everyone. Your smile back. The sneak out to the garage to grab a coke even though your old one isn't finished. The games you played. The memories you only share with a handful of people. There are only a few people in the world that know I would always have to be the Queen in any game we played, and that I am really really scared of "Bloody Mary". There are only a few people in the world that know how to tell how long we have left by the sound coming from the kitchen...Sounds of laughter, singing, arguing, and love. Sounds you don't hear as often now. Makes me long for another time that only a trip in a time machine can get too.

Snake Maker

2006-11-16T17:30:00.000-08:00

Today the boys and I were sitting at the kitchen table playing play-doh and Graysen tells me that I am the best play-doh snake maker. The look on his face when he told me that was priceless...He was proud of me, proud that in his eyes I was the best snake maker! I said Thank you and that he was good at making them too.

I am lucky to be a mother. Lucky that my children are happy and healthy. Lucky that when they look at me I am the greatest in their eyes. No matter what I have done or what I haven't done doesn't matter to them I am just their mother. They see me as perfect. I never want them to know the truth....That I am just winging this! LOL I never knew how amazing it would be to be a mother. How connected to these children I would be....How I an love them so much no matter what! How much they are both wanted.

That is something with me being wanted........Growing up there were times when I felt I was a bother and that I never really had a place. That hurt....It hurt being a child in that situation and now being an adult I am still hurt by it. The loneliness and the shame I had growing up is still with me as an adult. It shapes everything I do..as a mother, wife, friend....everything!

I forgot to add cleaning!

2006-11-14T15:23:00.000-08:00

I have been on an OCD kick and super cleaning every day and it feels so good to have such a clean house! When my house is clean I feel clean inside!!! And I feel very proud cause I am not a cleaner! I was never taught how to properly clean or was made to clean up my home as a child. Growing up my house was never that clean either so it feels good to be a grown up and have my own clean place!

Babies, jobs, and cleaning

2006-11-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

I am really going through a wind whirl....I am getting the baby wants....I would really love to have another baby. I am starting to feel it in everything I do...I see pregnant woman and I yearn to be pregnant. I see newborns and my arms ache to hold them. But timing is not right...When is timing ever right to bring a new baby into your life? I think about money could we afford another baby? Could we afford one when we had Graysen? UGH! Maybe I am only feeling this way cause Bay doesn't want one right now...He feels it would be too much right now. Just when he puts the brakes on expanding our family I want too. Isn't that Murphy's Law??!?!?!?!

So with the baby wants out of the way: Maybe I will get a job? Like a small not serious one? Maybe a waitress? Could I do that? Hmmm? I hate to watch other people eat....But it is pretty easy and something I could at night when Bay gets home. I think it would be fun to go and have some adult time and make a few bucks while I am at it. Wow my own money what a thought! I haven't made my "own" money is 2 years....
I have a lot on my mind or maybe nothing at all. I think I have lost my mind!....

My Crazy Little Life

2006-11-08T01:38:00.000-08:00

So I just need to scream from a top of a mountain that I had the best day today! Everything went well! The bobys slept till 8 AM! WE had a great morning at home went out to lunch with NeNe then to the park and we played, ran and had a great time. Then I got to spend alone time with Bay!!! Ilove being ME today!!!!!

Deep thougts for today

2006-11-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever re think your parenting and wonder if you are doing a good job? The best job that you could do? Sometimes I get so confused.....I love the way I parent the boys. I follow my heart and do what I think is best for my boys but I also feel that I don't fit in anywhere with other moms. I think it is my age. That I am on the younger side of people who parent the way I do. I don't think it puts me so much off as it does that other older person off? They feel we have nothing in common...But we are not so different.I am having a day where I am second guessing everything!!! Are the choices I am making for my family right? Is home schooling right? Is it something I want? Will it cause my children to be "freaks"? Will they be missing out? And what about me? Just cause I have children doesn't mean ME is dead! Do I want to become that home schooling mother who has nothing but her kids and that is it? I had dreams and goals and wishes and I feel that sometimes I have put me on the back burner...I want to go back to school! I want to do something. Yeah I do want to teach preschool! Yeah I do want to work! Is that so bad? Then I think where does that put having more children in the picture? I want one more. I am done. I feel like I have all these LIFE POSSIBLITIES on my shoulders. I think I am feeling like I am in this middle ground not moving phase. Why does being an adult have to be so hard? Man......Ok, I am going to stop thinking and climb into bed and cuddle with my husband. Good Night!

Friends

2006-10-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here having trips down memory lane. I was thinking about friends and how they come and go....It is funny that people who I thought would be in my life forever are gone and the people I had written off are back and making an impact in my life....It is funny how life is like that.

72

2006-10-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

My grandmother's birthday is on Sunday she would of been 72....

My grandma was smart, beautiful, loving, and kind. She was the type of person that would give you her last dollar if she knew you needed it. I miss her so much. It is hard to think that she is gone and never coming back. I can't have one last conversation with her. Never tell her I love her, I did need her, I was sorry for anything I ever did, but most important Thank you. If it wasn't for my grandma who knows where or who I would be...She took me and never asked for anything from anyone. She never treated me like I was a burden. She was proud of me and loved me. She knew I was here for a reason and always believed in me.

I was the last person with my grandma before she died. I was sitting with her touching her hand watching her lay there. Looking at her face. Looking at every wrinkle..every crease....I told her that is she needed to go to be with God then to go....I feel guilty that I left to go into the waiting room and she passed as soon as I sat down. I wanted to be with her. I wanted to be holding her hand. Even though I told her to go I wanted her to stay.....

Brothers

2006-10-22T17:52:00.000-07:00

Today Maddox and I were sitting on the floor eating chips and stealing a few minutes together. Maddox happened to be sitting in a pile of chips eating, playing, and smashing them. Graysen came running into the room and says "UGH Maddox chips EVERYWHERE" Then Graysen grabs the biggest chip in the pile eats it and laughs. Maddox then laughs so hard that he fell over before I knew it they were both in a mixed ball of
Graysen and Maddox laughing screaming!

I was amazed that for a few moments in time two completely different people had such a strong connection. The connection of being siblings and being increditably comfortable with each other.

I have dreams for them...Dreams that they are best friends. That they included each other in their lives. That they call each other on the phone and miss each other. Bailey tells
me not hold my breath and they may not be as close as we hope when they are adults. That breaks my heart. To think
of a time they won't be bathing together. Riding the rocking horse together. That they won't share that connection and they will just be two adult men living life: one in his world the other in theirs.

Who knows where my children's paths may take them but I
hope that they always have each other.

Running on empty

2006-10-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

So for the past two weeks Graysen has been getting up before 4 AM! It is going to kill me....He is up and ready to start the day. It doesn't matter if he has had a nap the day before, what time he went to bed, or if he ran and played all day at the park. I seriously don't know what to do other then cry!

It isn't like he wakes up and quietly plays he has to wake up Maddox and then it is the two of them running around, jumping on the bed and rumbling through the house!

This morning Graysen ate a half tube of toothpaste in the dark on my bedroom. He got into bed and his whol eface was covered in this sticky yucky gel....I broke down and turned on the 24 hours cartoon channel and went back to sleep. Is that wrong? Should I get up and start my day at that time too?

My son the writer!

2006-10-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

Graysen today wrote an "e"! It is wobbly and was written on accident but it is the most beautiful "e" in the whole wide world and will always be kept....

So I must be exhausted cause I seriously became hysterical about this "e" and the greatness of it! When I told Graysen that he wrote an "e" he said ohhhh why? That make me chuckle!

Today we went to the California Academy of Science. We had a wonderful time with our friends. On the way home right before Graysen fell asleep he thanked me for taking him. Again made me cry...What is the date? I may be a little hormonal!?!?!

confusion and love with a dash of guilt?

2006-10-16T14:58:00.000-07:00

I am having a rough day today..The boys are being wild monkeys and not listening. I have no patience's and want to scream. I did....It wasn't nice and the looks on my boys face when I yelled made me want to cry and made me fell like I was the worst mother ever. But sometimes I just don't want Graysen to talk, and I don't want Maddox to scream, and I would like for them to just play in their room so I could have one minute to get dressed alone....Then I think I am all they know and one day they won't want to be with me every moment and I will be sad.... Motherhood is it always this mixture of confusion and love with a dash of guilt?

This morning when we were laying in bed Graysen asked me if I was going to throw him in the garbage and I told him no....I really need to re think my words and watch my mouth....Lately I have been telling Graysen if he doesn't put his toys away that I will throw them in the garbage...Poor boy what stress I have been causing him! I am going to erase that statement from my mind.

boys

2006-10-16T09:45:00.000-07:00

Ok I think I am going to lose my mind today! It is only 9:30 and the boys are jumping on the bed and screaming.....I have asked them to be quite 5 times and I think if I have to say it again I am going to SCREAM! Ok we need to get out of this house even if it is to run around the block.....

mother

2006-10-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I worry that I am not a good mother and think I never had a mother so how can I be a good mother? I miss my mother and wish I could have one last converstation with her telling her everything that I have thought about telling her my whole life. I wish I could of known her better. It breaks my heart that I can't think of her voice or the way she walked or her smile....Nothing. When I think of her a blankiness comes into my mind..There is nothing.

I am 26 now

2006-10-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

So I had a birthday this week...26 I don't' know why but it is hitting me that I am grown up. I am a mother..a wife...And even though I feel so whole and so complete as a person but there is apart of me deep down inside that remembers that list I had with all my hopes and dreams on it. I feel so behind in so many ways...I feel lame at times cause I don't have a college degree, but when I think about going back to school I think about where am I going to get the time and the energy?!!?

This birthday was so hard without my grandma....No one in my family called or sent me a card....NOTHING!!!! That really hurt. Makes me feel like not one member of my family cares and I guess that could be true? Maybe my family could care less about me and my children....That is a really sad statement! And I miss my mom more then I thought I ever would.

MILO

2006-10-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

So I have a few things to wrote about but first I have the greatest news! When Bailey and I got engaged we bought this little kitten, Milo, I love this cat! I like animals but I have never loved an animal the way I loved and still love Milo. Well when Graysen was 6 months old Milo ran away. We could never find him but for the last 2 years I have kept up his micro chip and then last night we got a call from the Holister Animal Control telling us they had Milo! My kitten..my first baby! He is coming home tomorrow! I am so happy!!!!

Pissed

2006-10-07T19:53:00.000-07:00

So Bailey has Sleep Apnea and the whole time we have been married it has been BAD! So bad that at times he would just fall asleep in the middle of a conversation. So Finally he got it taken care of and now has a CPAP machine that helps him breathe while he is sleeping and allows him to get a good nights sleep.

Before he got the machine things were bad between us. I was feeling like I was missing out on something cause he was always tired and falling asleep. He promised me that has soon as he got the CPAP things would be different and he would be able to be here more then sleep next to us. What a liar.....Things were great for the first bit but now he is back to his own self. Today I went out with a friend and told him to rest all afternoon and sleep so tonight we could have time together....Did he? NO! He didn't and now he is sleeping. I am so mad. I am sitting here online mad wanting to be hanging out with my husband but NO he is asleep. Pisses me off!

Meditation

2006-09-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

So I have started a new meditation routine and tonight was the first night doing it. Inside my soul I feel clearer and more at peace. It is amazing. I spent almost an hour in a pure, quite, and dark state. I feel clean inside. I am so happy that I have begun this....
I am also starting a new routine of talking to my children while they are asleep and thanking them for choosing me to be their mothers and to ask God to help me guide them as their lives grow and change.

Today was day one for my weight loss plan. I did well. I am proud of myself. Tomorrow will be the challenge when I am with Lyndley and we are out all day. I am also going to start writing short stories every night for 20 mins. I feel I am entering into a different place spiritually....I am very happy

Father In Law

2006-09-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

So tomorrow I am going to call my Father-In-Law and have a heart to heart and find out if some information is true.... When Bailey first asked me to marry him we went to Chico to stay the weekend and to meet him. He came to our wedding. After I had Graysen he came for a day about a week later. That is the last time we saw him. I have invited him to every birthday, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter....EVERYTHING!!! So finally I got sick of it. He has met Graysen once when he was a week old, and has NEVER met Maddox!!! It took him like 3 months to FINALLY ask for a picture. I was pissed and wasn't sending him any. And I called him and pretty much "went off" on him and told him off. We talked for about 30-60 minutes. Well, tonight Bailey in a blaming, nasty, hurtful tone yells at me and says pretty much it is MY fault that HIS father hasn't and doesn't come down here. What BULLSHIT my fault! I couldn't even give him a response cause I was sooo pissed. So tomorrow I am going to call him and ask him if that is true and if it is I am going to let him know that is ridiculous and he needs to get over it!!! WHAT A FUCKIN ASS HOLE PUTTING THAT ON BAILEY LIKE THAT....THE TRUTH IS HE JUST DOESN'T CARE!!!!